[bostonlady2020]

I'm new here and what I want to talk about is in the title - that the therapeutic relationship between my therapist and I is causing me pain. I have seen this therapist for 4 years now and she has helped me immensely. During the years she has self disclosed carefully about issues she has had that I have also. This was done with thought and care and was always relevant and helped me. The focus always remained on me as the client. It turns out we have a lot in common both in the life issues we have encountered and our personality types.

The issue is I have become attached to my therapist now and care about her a lot. I do not want to loose her from my life now. Last year when I was very upset over an issue that was happening in my life, she told me I had experienced enough loss and she would be staying in my life, and she called her self "auntie" and hugged me tightly. It felt good as that is the kind of role I see her in and was reassured that we could stay in contact after therapy was terminated. However when I went to terminate subsequently she told me that she cannot have any contact with former clients. That is understandable but why did she tell me differently and call herself auntie? Why the sudden change? She said she would stay. Now she says that she is staying and it is I that chooses to leave by terminating the relationship. This is a play on words to me as she said something very different previously. I trusted what she said and now I feel like I can't give up therapy even though I have worked through my issues with my employer which brought me there initially.

We have very similar taste in music, movies, shows, books. She is an important part of my support system and I am able to call and email her which is a big help to me. Last year a stray dog had puppies in her yard and she wanted to give me one. I feel like the relationship is moving into friendship at times and then it's being pulled back. Is this normal in the therapeutic relationship and how does everyone handle it and cope when it feels like I'll need bereavement therapy if I terminate.

[growlycat]

Welcome to Pc!! The t relationship can be confusing and painful. They are supposed to be up front with the limitations of the relationship. Some allow friendship afterwards but not many if pc is any example. It sounds like she genuinely likes you but made the mistake of overpromising the relationship afterwards. You have every right to call her out on it.

[DP_2017]

your title says so much, if I learned anything so far, its that is very true indeed and given a chance, I'd never go to therapy in the first place, i think it does more harm than good to most and its sad

i am very attached to mine and its only 6 months in, i get literally ill at the idea of never seeing him again someday. i can't even think about it. its by far the most painful topic for me. however he has said i can stay in touch when it happens

friendship is rare but it happens, don't let people tell you it can't, it does and it can its just that if you do, you can't see them again in the future and you have to be ok with all they know about you. anyway idk why she changed her mind or why any do, the abrupt changes are awful and i feel for anyone experiencing them. i would for sure bring your concern to her

Welcome to PC!

And oh my goodness. Are you me? So much of your post I could have written myself. I have been seeing my t for 6 years next month and I am very attached to her. I struggle with the attachment on a regular basis. I talk about ending therapy on a regular basis also here on PC - I have been feeling like I need to for awhile now. (It doesn't help either of course that my husband also has been wanting me to end for a good year or more and so far I've dug my heels in with him and kept going because she's helped me immensely.) I'm going to be taking a break soon, of undetermined length, because I want to see how I do without her for awhile.

My session 2 weeks ago really did a number on my head/heart - it was very light, felt like we were friends sitting there chatting over coffee but minus the coffee... I sorta get why she let it be that way, I was sooooo incredibly hyper after a busy-busy day at work that we weren't going to get any work done anyway. But still. I had to do a lot of talking to myself to get over that one. Today's session was back to normal - and I feel settled again about the relationship being what it is, that we are not and cannot be friends. What helps me the most in being ok with that is that, if/when we ever do terminate, she's said her door would always be open if I want/need to come back and I want that option - if we were to become friends, she could not be my t again. And I really, really value her as a t, even with the rough patches we've gone through (maybe because we've always managed to work through them).

This, of course, until the next time my attachment gets the better of me.

Anyway I tell her quite often that this relationship is convoluted. I love her, I hate her, I want to be her friend, I wish she'd been my mother, you name it I have felt it at one time or another.

Convoluted, I say!!!

(((bostonlady)))

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by bostonlady2020

I'm new here and what I want to talk about is in the title - that the therapeutic relationship between my therapist and I is causing me pain. I have seen this therapist for 4 years now and she has helped me immensely. During the years she has self disclosed carefully about issues she has had that I have also. This was done with thought and care and was always relevant and helped me. The focus always remained on me as the client. It turns out we have a lot in common both in the life issues we have encountered and our personality types.

The issue is I have become attached to my therapist now and care about her a lot. I do not want to loose her from my life now. Last year when I was very upset over an issue that was happening in my life, she told me I had experienced enough loss and she would be staying in my life, and she called her self "auntie" and hugged me tightly. It felt good as that is the kind of role I see her in and was reassured that we could stay in contact after therapy was terminated. However when I went to terminate subsequently she told me that she cannot have any contact with former clients. That is understandable but why did she tell me differently and call herself auntie? Why the sudden change? She said she would stay. Now she says that she is staying and it is I that chooses to leave by terminating the relationship. This is a play on words to me as she said something very different previously. I trusted what she said and now I feel like I can't give up therapy even though I have worked through my issues with my employer which brought me there initially.

We have very similar taste in music, movies, shows, books. She is an important part of my support system and I am able to call and email her which is a big help to me. Last year a stray dog had puppies in her yard and she wanted to give me one. I feel like the relationship is moving into friendship at times and then it's being pulled back. Is this normal in the therapeutic relationship and how does everyone handle it and cope when it feels like I'll need bereavement therapy if I terminate.

It's really natural to feel what you feel. But sometimes the intensity or urgency of what you feel is actually created by the way it is being, or has been, received by others.

Sometimes, just the fact that you feel like you're being pressured or forced to let go is what makes you feel the need to hold on.

To me, it seems like you're afraid that maybe you're not "supposed" to feel this way--that your feelings might be rejected.