Should I ask T to go with me?

In case you haven't read about it elsewhere on this site, my husband was arrested back in July for setting our house on fire and he is either going to attempt to make a plea deal or go to trial within the next few weeks. I want to make a victim's impact statement when he gets sentenced because what he did has really affected me and I want the court to understand that what he did was related to his abusive behavior. Even though it's not required, I'd like to read my statement myself because this is the only chance I will get to speak openly about what he did and I want him to hear me. Writing this thing is really stressful and I imagine reading it in court will be a highly emotionally draining event.

My therapist and I are talking about why I want to do this and what I want to say and he's told me that he supports me in this. I'd really like to ask him if he could go with me to court when I read it. I have no idea if it's ethical for him to do that. When I had to testify in front of a grand jury, he said to me that he would go with me if he wasn't going to be out of town, but I wonder if he would have actually gone or it was just something he said but didn't mean or hadn't really thought through. When we talked about getting a restraining order, he told me he would write me a letter of support, but then later told me he couldn't do that after talking to other therapists about it. So I guess I suspect he'll say no. But I need some support to do this. My support system is really limited. Right now, it's my therapist and the four other women that I go to a domestic violence support group with. I don't know when the sentencing will happen but it will be during court hours which are also work hours so it's doubtful the women would be able to go.

Should I ask him if he could go with me? Should I ask in person or send an email so I don't put him on the spot? Should I offer to pay him for his time? How do I prepare myself for being hurt by him saying no?

It seems like this is something some therapists would do. It isn't a social event and it's definitely related to your therapy, so I don't see any ethical issues. If you want him to go, I definitely think it's worth asking. I don't know if he would be willing or able to go since he presumably works on weekdays, but it does sound like he offered before, so I would tend to take him at his word. If it were me, I might ask via email just because I know I would be nervous to have to wait while he thought about it and responded. That also gives him time to think and to consult other people, if he needs to. I don't know that there is any way to minimize the potential pain of a no. But if you don't ask, then you know that the answer is already no, right?

I would ask. He may have to say no, but I doubt it would be because he doesn't want to support you, and I'm sure he'll be thinking about you even if he cannot go for whatever the reason.

I def think it would be worth asking him to go with you. If you asked him in person, I don't think that would be putting him on the spot at all. I assume he would have to miss work to do this, so I would offer to pay him for his time. I guess if he doesn't have to miss work, I would hold off on making the offer to pay him. It sounds like he wants to support you. If he cannot go with you due to ethics, client load, previous commitment, maybe knowing the "no" isn't personal won't be so hurtful??

I think if he offered to go to the grand jury trial, had he not been out of town, he probably really meant that. I don't think therapists would say that as lightly as a casual friend might; they ought to be choosing their words a bit more carefully and meaning what they say.

If for some reason he can't go with you, can you ask him for something of his you could borrow to take with you? Something from his office, perhaps?

He doesn't work on Friday and he doesn't start before 11 am, so it's possible it would fall outside his normal hours. I don't think I would ask if it was going to be during his normal work hours, but I don't know when it will be scheduled until it's scheduled. Part of me is hoping he will offer to go, but maybe that's not the best approach for me to take. If I need something, I suppose I should ask for it. I need to think of other options to get some sort of support. Maybe a phone call or schedule a session after court?

Yeah NP, do ask. I don’t feel it’s an inappropriate request especially as it’s such a huge thing for you to do. That’s an incredibly brave thing for you to do, so I really hope your t can support you on the day. Good luck NP.

Yes, definitely ask. Definitely. This is an appropriate thing to ask for. I know I would.

Definitely don't sit back and hope that he offers. In the face of you not asking, he might not offer because he assumes you don't want him to go. Or he doesn't want to impose support where it's not needed. Or he thinks you have someone else to go with, otherwise you would have asked him. Or a million other reasons which arise in misunderstandings.

I think if you would find it helpful then asking the therapist would be a good idea. The one I hire went to court with someone to support them in a divorce

It looks like this might be happening on Friday, a lot sooner than I thought. I sent my therapist an email asking him if he would go with me. Hopefully, he will answer me at our session tomorrow. I'll update the thread when I find out. Thank you for all the input.

NP, I hope he can go with you so that you can have your say with a supportive person in the courtroom.

He said no. Then in true therapist style wanted to talk about how that made me feel, which I basically refused to do. I told him I'd deal with how I felt on my own time.

Ugh, I'm sorry...Did he say it was because he was busy, or because it crossed a boundary, or some other reason?

He said it was a boundary issue and mentioned something about dual role, which I don't think applies to this situation if I understand dual roles correctly. Just, whatever. I was already feeling like I don't really matter after dealing with the criminal justice system yesterday and today. Now I feel like I don't really matter to him either. He says I matter and he cares but I don't feel it right now. I don't think the boundary thing is a cut-and-dried argument. This event is a one-time-only deal. I would have felt so supported if he had agreed to come. I feel completely alone right now. I'm not sure I even want to attempt to do this now. What's the point. Nobody I'd be speaking to cares that he hurt me.

I'm trying not to feel anything right now. I just don't want to care anymore.

I am sorry to hear this. I think he is grossly mistaken and misguided on this point.

NP, I'm sorry, that just stinks. I agree with stopdog, that decision is grossly misguided. Is there a victim's advocacy group that you can call to ask if they can send someone with you? Just having another person along to be there just for your support might help, even if it's not your t.

I'll bet you'll have tons of people from here in your pocket if you end up needing to go to court.

Oh NP, I'm so sorry.
Did he offer up anything that he could do instead?
I mean, ok, he feels he can't physically be there because boundaries -- it'd help if he said "not because I don't want to; only because I am not allowed to" and maybe, idk, offered to schedule a phone call immediately before and after? At least expressed his care and concern by offering as much as he can give.

((((NP)))) You do matter... you do.

I don't know if that's available or not. This is happening Friday afternoon and I have literally 3 sentences written so far. I don't know if I can write out what I want to say in time. It's emotionally draining for me to even think about the events leading up to the fire, let alone write something that's coherent. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have therapy again tomorrow and I don't know that I want to even discuss Friday with him because I feel kind of abandoned by him. I don't want our relationship to suffer because of this but I also don't know if I can discuss how hurt I feel with him. Maybe I should try. I know he's doing what he thinks is right, but it feels wrong and hurtful to me. I'm pretty sure he knows that. He said he would be angry and hurt if he was in my shoes. I just don't know if I can discuss my feelings around this with him.

He didn't offer anything. It sounds like he is leaving town that day too. It might have been easier to take if he had just lied and told me that. I'm glad he was honest about it though. I don't like being lied to.

He tried hard at the end of our session to make me feel important and cared for, he said he was very invested in me. But honestly, I was feeling too abandoned to absorb everything he said. I even left a little early. He kept trying to tell me we had a few minutes left, but I had nothing left to say.

Oh, NP. You do matter, and what happened to you matters, and your voice matters.

I think you're brave to go to court and speak your piece, even if you only manage those three sentences.

I will be thinking of you on Friday. I wish I could go and sit next to you in the courtroom.

I’m sorry he felt that way too. I dearly hope you can connect with a victim advocacy specialist for guidance through the judiciary process and beyond. Your situation would challenge anyone, and would seem to require very practical support in addition to emotional support. Wishing you peace and strength.

Though I’ve long been a writer, it still can be tough. I’d expect condensing a deluge of fraught, frightening, complicated events difficult for anyone.

Practiced writers sometimes use a technique of writing as quickly as possible, without self criticism, editing or filters, giving themselves permission to write “badly.” If whole sentences don’t come, there are always just words, points or clusters. Or maybe imagine you’re writing someone specific and sympathetic or you’re telling the story here or otherwise online.

Once the thoughts are on the page, they can be shaped more easily.

While I can’t imagine the pain in this process, I hope it might grant the comfort of self advocacy, separation and the beginning of distance.

My writing was the beginning of having a “voice” in the world. You have a great deal to say.