[Psychotic_Phil]

The topic I usually have to talk about is my diagnosis, which is still a mystery, one that I hope that can resolve itself soon. He always tells me the same thing. If I told him I had a personality disorder, (which is impossible at this point) he would probably say, "Those are very valid points." I feel like I'm talking to a recording. Certain things I never share with him, for my own personal reasons I have no intention of discussing. I've never shared with him that I still consider myself a coward for not offing myself when I had the chance. And my growing concern about God and what kind of character he is. Would he intentionally make me suffer? or his really kind and loving? I don't know anymore...

[sunrise]

Hi Phil, could you share those questions with a therapist instead of a doctor? Maybe your doc is really meds focused and doesn't want to do therapy type work with you? Are you happy with your doc otherwise? One thing I do like about my doctor is she makes me feel like she and I are a team, and she presents me with options--pros and cons, etc. And lets me have input. It can be hard to work a doc who uses the top down approach, even if they have your best interests at heart. Take care.

[(JD)]

I was wondering the same thing, is your doctor really someone who does session counseling??

Also, don't you think it's tougher to live than to cop out of life? I don't think living is cowardly, myself.

[Psychotic_Phil]

My doctor tries to help me, but the "help " he can give is limited as I feel that were I to express my true feelings that I would be put under close watch; I hate meds. If it were up to me, I wouldn't take theml. Also, I wouldn't be in contact with any of my family except maybe my dad, because they all desperately want to cure me. I don't want a cure. I want my life back. And if I can't have that, I may as well off myself. Don't worry, it won't happen anytime soon. I'm under suicide watch. Trying Prozac, the drug my dad's cousin was on for 30 years. 30 years. That is such a long time, I think 30 years later I'd be dead.

[ECHOES]

(( phil ))

So, what do you think the answer might be?

[MissCharlotte]

((Phil))

Why do you hate drugs? Is there some reason you think you should have to be without them?

The only reason i ask is because I used to hate them too. I thought they were a sign of weakness. Now I realize that we are all different, biologically, bio chemically, emotionally and environmentally (our life experiences.) When you combine our environment with our biology we each have a unique makeup.

Sometimes a toxic buildup of chemicals in our bodies prevents us from living life to the fullest and in a way that allows us just to be. Thankfully, there are some medications that can help. The operative word here is help. The rest is up to us, but often the drugs make the other work possible.

Good luck Phil. I hope you find some peace. Keep talking to your Dad, as it sounds like you two can connect.