[DP_2017]

I've been feeling very depressed and even had thoughts of wishing I would die, although I'd never do anything, because I couldn't do that to my dog. I've been struggling with a lot of feelings for my T and its contributing to my mindset.

Anyway, I got and was so quiet today, he asked a few things and I answered and that was that. I kept all the pain in but I trust him more than anyone, now I am angry with myself I have to sit on this all again another week and hope that I am brave enough to speak up then. I don't get what came over me, why I just shut down when I was waiting days to talk to him.... sigh....

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I've been feeling very depressed and even had thoughts of wishing I would die, although I'd never do anything, because I couldn't do that to my dog. I've been struggling with a lot of feelings for my T and its contributing to my mindset.

Anyway, I got and was so quiet today, he asked a few things and I answered and that was that. I kept all the pain in but I trust him more than anyone, now I am angry with myself I have to sit on this all again another week and hope that I am brave enough to speak up then. I don't get what came over me, why I just shut down when I was waiting days to talk to him.... sigh....

Sorry DP, that has happened to me a few times and it's a really horrible feeling! I get so mad at myself when I feel like I waste a session. I'm finding that if I'm having trouble with a subject and just cant get the words out that if I type them in my phone and hand the phone over for my T to read, that helps to get the conversation started.

Other than that I don't have any other advice, but wanted to let you know that I feel you and support you.

[mostlylurking]

I've shut down like that too before. I've also done the whole "ramble about 14 different things, none of which are what you really wanted to say" version of not saying much.

Whatever caused you to shut down, whatever fears, or self-protection, or "resistance," or whatever it is, it's part of what's going on with you and it's part of your relationship with your T. And now he's seen it happen, and that in itself is meaningful information even though it isn't what you wanted. It might be a good thing to discuss next time and could lead to new insights. So it's not really a waste, seen in that light; it's just a point along the way. But I know that's cold comfort when you really wanted to connect.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

I've shut down like that too before. I've also done the whole "ramble about 14 different things, none of which are what you really wanted to say" version of not saying much.

Whatever caused you to shut down, whatever fears, or self-protection, or "resistance," or whatever it is, it's part of what's going on with you and it's part of your relationship with your T. And now he's seen it happen, and that in itself is meaningful information even though it isn't what you wanted. It might be a good thing to discuss next time and could lead to new insights. So it's not really a waste, seen in that light; it's just a point along the way. But I know that's cold comfort when you really wanted to connect.

"Intense shame" is for sure the reason, I can't talk to anyone about it, I feel so awful. It's funny cuz he actually mentioned yesterday that I seem to struggle often with feeling shame and he wants to keep reminding me that feelings of all types are ok to have, it's funny because I was feeling such shame, I had to keep it all in

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I've been feeling very depressed and even had thoughts of wishing I would die, although I'd never do anything, because I couldn't do that to my dog. I've been struggling with a lot of feelings for my T and its contributing to my mindset.

Anyway, I got and was so quiet today, he asked a few things and I answered and that was that. I kept all the pain in but I trust him more than anyone, now I am angry with myself I have to sit on this all again another week and hope that I am brave enough to speak up then. I don't get what came over me, why I just shut down when I was waiting days to talk to him.... sigh....

DP I can really understand. You're doing the best you can. Would it be possible to write everything down on paper and hand that to him or email if that would be easier.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

DP I can really understand. You're doing the best you can. Would it be possible to write everything down on paper and hand that to him or email if that would be easier.

Normally I do both of those things.... but in this case, I have intense shame because I KNOW I'd have to be kicked out or sent elsewhere and I can't bear to lose him, in my state of mind right now, it would make me worse than I am. I haven't even told my best friend the things I wanted to say because its just so bad. I am a horrible person for the things I have been thinking and feeling

[Anastasia~]

DP-- I totally get you with this, the shame feels so intense. My T pointed out when I said, "I think you are going to hate me," and he said something like, "That is how you feel about yourself. I also feel like a horrible person and I hope you are able to talk to your T, I think it will make you feel a lot better. It may take more than one session.

[PinkyDoo]

What you said about your dog... I feel you! As far as opening up, I have had this same issue. Like others have already said, I wrote down what I wanted to talk about, and then it was only a matter of courage to read those words. That definitely helped. I can't imagine being sent away for what you have to say. Is it really that bad? If it wouldn't be a dead giveaway, you could ask your therapist about what he thinks about certain things.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by PinkyDoo

What you said about your dog... I feel you! As far as opening up, I have had this same issue. Like others have already said, I wrote down what I wanted to talk about, and then it was only a matter of courage to read those words. That definitely helped. I can't imagine being sent away for what you have to say. Is it really that bad? If it wouldn't be a dead giveaway, you could ask your therapist about what he thinks about certain things.

In my head it is.... but its not sexual, although its about him...although not harmful either

The other piece is related to thoughts I've had with the holidays and my dog being gone....

I've read stories of both things being cases where T's refer people elsewhere and while my T has constantly reassured me he would not just randomly do that and he has put up with a lot of stuff I was worried about, I can't help but think this is the final straw