Couch 158: The Newberry Couch!

stopdog, whenever you write about her I am always struck by how you clearly treasured your person. I'm sorry for your loss.

If your significant other started a bonfire in your living room and you called 911 to report it, would you sound like a raving lunatic or would you be calm, cool, and collected or maybe somewhere in between?

ETA, I'm trying really hard to process listening to myself. I don't know if what happened to me is normal or I'm just overwrought. I really wish I could talk to my therapist right now.

NP, I think you are being too hard on yourself. He started a bonfire in your living room. Any one of those reactions is totally legitimate. There is nothing wrong with reacting one of those ways over another. At another time you might have reacted another way. None of them say anything about you, bad or good.

I'm just having a hard time processing listening to myself. In the recording, I'm basically sobbing and begging the operator over and over to send somebody to help me.

Maybe because it wasn’t just the bonfire, but the culmination of 20 years of abuse?

Your description of your side of the conversation sounds like a great many of the 911 calls that are played on the news. Normal, in fact.

If you were calm cool and collected it would have been due to being in shock. Being in fear for our life will make a lot of us sob and beg. I'm thankful someone got there in time. Be gentle on yourself, NP.

I was in the bathroom washing my face when he started the fire. He had been yelling "I'm going to burn the house down" several times that night, but he'd threatened that many times before, so I didn't pay it any attention. For some reason, I walked up the hallway and turned the corner into the living room and when I did I saw the fire that he had started. It was about 4 feet in diameter and probably 4 feet tall at this point. He was gleeful, laughing, like he was enjoying himself. Then he took a bottle of nail polish remover and poured it on the fire and it flamed up even more. I was scared. Then he tried to pour the remnants from the bottle on his own head, like he was going to immolate himself. Luckily the bottle was empty, but I was still scared he was going to burn to death in front of me. I tried to think what to do. The only thing I could think was to grab a towel, but after I got the towel from the hall closet I realized that the fire was too big for this towel and the towel would just burn. I can't remember exactly what else happened but I obviously got my phone and called 911.

(((NP))) I'm grateful you don't have to live that way any more.

NP - the whole thing sounds quite unsettling. I don't think there is any specific way one sounds on those tapes (and I heard quite a few when I was a public defender).

There's an organization called Sister Care here, DSS ordered me to attend group therapy there for a year after my S/O got arrested for CDV. I urge you to try to find a similar organization where you live. Those women all understood my situation and I was able to talk about things without fear of judgement. Listening to so many similar stories made me realize I was not alone. I think it might help you to know how others reacted to their abusers and to see how they might react to you.

I agree. You were fearful for your safety--totally expected time to be hysterical.

I'm curious, since you were a public defender, is there any reason you would stop a client from making a statement when he's pleading out? When I went to my husband's sentencing, I made my victim's statement and then the defense spoke and he was offered the chance to say something. His public defender can be heard saying to him "you don't have to say anything". I found it kind of hurtful, especially after the statement I made, that he couldn't even say "I'm sorry". There was no risk to him. There was already a deal in place with the district attorney. I just can't fathom why his lawyer would stop him from apologizing. Any insight you can offer on this?

I do attend a group therapy for survivors and I had been going even before all this stuff happened. I agree it's helpful to be connected with other survivors. When I had tried to talk to friends, I got a lot of judgement. It was very hurtful.

There is no guarantee that he would have apologized. He might have or he might have started attacking you or defending himself and giving goofy reasons or going off in some weird direction after apologizing etc. As an attorney - I don't like it when my clients just start talking into space and I don't know what they are going to say. Some of my clients have said some extremely nasty (and very imprudent) things to victims - particularly women victims of domestic violence. The attorney did not make him not talk - he just reminded him of his right not to talk.
Finally, there are post-guilty plea motions your husband can file and you don't want the client saying anything that will completely sink those if you can stop it (not that he has to file them -just that often they exist)

Ack! Splutter! Gasp!
I really, really don't think so.

You are something strange and rare.

Bad night! Didn't want to take muscle relaxant because I have to drive today. Been up since around 4, took 2 Advil. Tried heating pad, then ice, on my feet and ankles. Now it's 6 a.m. Tried leg lift for sciatica in bed. Whatever is wrong with me, it sucks!!! I wrote that to T yesterday and she agreed! If there's any upside to this medical problem, it's feeling closer to my T. But TBH, I'd rather not have the pain and hate T.

I think stopdog must have been joking of course!

LT, thanks for hug so early in the morning. Or isn't it early for you?

It was 7 a.m. for me--but pretty normal for me to be up then, since I have a 6-year-old

Sorry your legs were hurting again and that you didn't get much sleep. If you don't feel better after a few days, maybe consider a second opinion? Has anyone suggested magnesium, either orally or through epsom salt baths (absorbed through skin)?

It's so difficult to tell.

I was not joking about that. I am garden variety

I don't think therapists had garden variety clients, I think everyone is unique.

I am unique, just like everybody else.

I asked my T yesterday what she thought my mom would be like if she were my T's client instead of me. I was completely amused by her response ("passive-aggressive" was definitely in there). I think the "fit" between the therapist and the client is so unique and complicated that the garden probably has one of every vegetable and fruit known to man.

It's like when I wanted MC to say/think I was special. At first, he said something about liking all of his clients the same. Then he later said, "You are special, just like all my clients are." For some reason, even though he said it that way, it was what I needed to hear at the time (like a year ago).

And I agree on how complicated the fit is. It's amazing to me how different the styles are of ex-T, current T, and MC--and they all used to work in the same practice together! At one point, my mother-in-law was jealous that I was seeing ex-T, because she'd heard good things about her (and obviously couldn't see her because I was). I feel like MIL would have had many more issues with ex-T than I did--because ex-T would have tried to push, challenge, and question her, and I don't think MIL would have liked that. I mean, who knows, maybe they would have been a good fit, and ex-T would have pushed my MIL to change. Pretty sure my mom would never agree to see a T because she would deny that she had any issues...even though she clearly has anxiety.

Ex-T seemed a bit dubious when I told her I was going to try seeing current T (or at least that's the sense I got from the comments she made). Yet, so far, he seems a better fit than her. I certainly feel more open in talking to him and less judged--could just be a gender thing (specifically, that he isn't a woman my mom's age like ex-T is), but I think it's also a personality and therapeutic style thing.

I like how you said that, about being unique just like everyone else. And each therapy relationship is unique too. The fit is so important, I think. Complex in it's own way. The first two t's I tried the fit was just not there. It's almost too good w current t...