Couch 158: The Newberry Couch!

I think you should use whatever it takes: a plant that needs watering, a book series you really want to finish, and yes, even a therapist you don't want to hurt. Pets can really help here, when it comes to having something gentle and loving that relies on you.

The point is not to live for your T or your plant but to use whatever that one thing is as a lifeline to hold onto until you can experience joy and meaning in your life again.

What if joy and meaning never come? That's what I'm struggling with.

Joy and meaning dont just appear out of nowhere for anyone. Its a choice we make.

That's the soul-crushing pain of depression. The very nature of it sucks all the hope out of you. Depression makes it impossible for you to remember a past or imagine a future without depression.

But I can tell you that there is a way out, if you keep working at it, doing the things to help yourself get better as you are able (therapy, medication, exercise, meditation, self-care things, whatever you can manage, even if it's just a little bit). You can do all that stuff without the hope that it will ever work, so long as you hold on and push forward. Sometimes all you need is time. It's impossible to say how much time, but it's certain that you won't feel this way forever. I can hold onto that hope for you, even if you can't feel it yourself right now.

This isn't helpful to me. That's like saying I chose to have my husband set my house on fire. I didn't choose that outcome. That's the last outcome I would have chosen. Yes, I'm depressed and feeling hopeless because some of my past choices led to this outcome, but I don't choose to feel miserable all the time. Now I'm back into that terrible loop that this is all my fault.

I agree. I am unable to choose joy and meaning and to be told that just makes things worse.

After YEARS of therapy I am finally occasionally feeling some joy. I guess you could say that I have made the choice to continue in therapy, to continue to resist suicidal impulses. I have done that. It sounds like you are doing that also. Your situation sounds painful and difficult.

I meant, if you want joy and meaning in your life, you have to create them. You have to act to make good things happen. Good things dont just magically appear. But little steps add up. They either add up going up, or they add up going down.

Eta - and then yeah shyte happens, even if you do everything "right". But thats the game.

I don't think it necessarily works this way all the time or for everyone. In NP's case, I would say that offering compassion and support to her is a choice other people can make to help her hold on. Often, it's just not possible to dig out on our own when we get dealt hardship that's too much to bear alone.

And sometimes it's really effing hard to create anything. Some weekends I can barely manage to sit up let alone go out and create joy in my life.

You do what you can, when you can. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks, and absolutely do not pressure yourself. That tends to backfire in my experience with depression.

Thank you for this. I do feel like I'm buried under rubble and can't get out sometimes. I appreciate your understanding.

I think therapists are both expecting to be used in that fashion by some clients and I think they like that they are. I see no reason why a client cannot do it if it works for them.

NP-
You are correct in that you can't choose how to feel. My T always tells me that I don't choose to feel whatever way I am feeling. He tells me to accept how I feel at the moment and I find that not fighting it is helpful for me. And he tells me ways to cope with feeling whatever it is I'm feeling, such as find something to distract myself. It helps me to be of the mindset of I am feeling ____ way now, but it won't last forever. I hope you feel better soon. You are doing something to help yourself by posting here, so keep doing that to help you through. Take care.

Its not exactly the 4th of july every day over here, ya know. This weekend, creating joy meant i finally took the trash down to the trash room. Probably two weeks worth. It was getting a little ripe. Its nice to have that space and good smell reclaimed. But its hard for me to keep that going. I dont know why. Im still one step forward, at least one step backward. I guess i sound like im lecturing. Maybe if i share more what i mean.

Have some chocolate?

Or more of the lemon yogurt?
Good to take out the trash.

I'm sorry if it feels like I was attacking you personally. That was not my intent. We all have our struggles. I feel for your struggles as well. It's hard to hear, though, that your struggles are your choice. Especially when you're prone to blame yourself for the things that have happened to you.

Thanks. I never meant to imply that anyone chooses crap. I think crap falls on everybody equally, eventually. But as to what gives life meaning and purpose - i talk about this with my t a lot - THAT you get to choose for yourself. You can try to get someone else to decide for you, like by choosing a very bossy spouse? Or always listening to your parents, but that is still your choice.

This is where life gets tough. Whats our second act? Old baby boomer ladies - theres gonna be a lot of us. But i think a lot just want to be left alone. No use looking for trouble!

Hugs NP and capt.

So H is home. They did an angiogram and everything was normal. So they think it was either the WPW or had an attack from low potassium (possibly caused by his bp med). He left a.m.a. We're going to find a cardiologist for him this week to adjust his meds and maybe do the ablation.

I'm so glad his heart is okay. That was super scary. I'm also glad he's home. He fell asleep on the couch, he was so exhausted.

I did call my T 3 times, but it's Sunday, so I knew there was a big chance she wouldn't get back to me today. She will tomorrow though.

Hope your H will be OK, Scarlet

all who want.

Well it's just about 3 AM and I'm up and feeling agitated. Haven't been sleeping well at all lately. I woke up the dog and she's back asleep already, I wish I could fall asleep that fast.

My car gets its safety inspection tomorrow and hopefully by Wednesday i will have a new car just discovered today ot has. 6 disc cd changer i am stoked!

Hugs to all having a difficult times.

What kind of car BCM?