[lauren_helene]

I really do not want to send this now because I WILL regret it. I always do. It isn't a mean letter but I need to get these horrible feelings out about last night's session.

But as I read it I think, why bother...should I be in therapy anymore. Maybe that is what I need to decide...anyone ever feel like this after almost two years? I think his expectations of me are too high or he is just giving up on me. I can't face that if he is, I have too much of that already...

[Mouse_]

I dont feel its wise for anyone to just give up on therapy. I feel each problem brings a new oppertunity. If you don't deal with this situation then what about the rest of life when stuff happens? I'm not sure what exactly is going on for you? I may have missed something?

[lauren_helene]

I posted about it last night. I am really freaking out this time and don't know what to do...

[Mouse_]

ok I just went back and read. I'm not sure what to say. I will say that I agree with the no spanking rule. For what its worth, I feel it would be beneficial to you to work through this with your T before you make a decsion on leaving, because you will always carry this around with you.

I'm not sure what to say either. I do think you need to see if your T is going to get you or perhaps look for another one. Just b/c he doesnt get it, doesnt mean no one will.

I would be carefully with sending a letter, particularly an angry one.

See, one time I wrote T a letter and when I saw him in session I told him how I had wanted to send the letter. He told me that it was better that I didn't because of how things can be easily misunderstood through writing-- because there is no emotion or tone of voice to attach to it. Instead, I shared parts of the letter with him in person.

I think you have every right to be angry-- but if you intend to con't working w/ your T, I think you should share those feelings with him in person.

[lauren_helene]

I didn't send the letter thank god. But I did call and leave him a desperate message. How idiotic is this?

On one hand, I am in pain thinking that he has given up on me, is disgusted by me and wants me to quit therapy. Then he doesn't need to terminate me.

Then there are bits of clarity in between where I think aren't these my issues talking? Where is the evidence that he wants me to quit? He did look disgusted and I don't think I misinterpreted that. He certainly didn't look neutral or happy.

Maybe I pushed him? Maybe I'm trying to get him to terminate me. Of course, if he did that we won't discuss how that would feel to me. I don't think I did anything perse to make him do that.

Well, I know he isn't going to call back. It scares me to feel so out of control like this.

I'll share my feelings with him but it won't be until next Tuesday and honestly, I'm hoping I can hang on until then...

I am trying to do this and be strong but it is so hard...