With letter should I send of two? letter 1

Here I am again I am working this thing out in my head and with your emointal help just in listening and the post I have received.
My E-mail is Stoutj@wilkes.net not other yahoo account.
I spend all morning writing a second letter to my mom one that I do not think she can find faught with or get hurt over.
I hope you do not mind me posting both letters for any feed back any one feels like giving.
1st letter written hoping to communicate my real feelings.
Dear Birth Mother

I hope you are having a good day.

I hope many good things for you.

I want you to have good physical and mental health.

If you are not feeling good about your self at this moment you might want to put this letter down

until you can digest fully what I am saying.

Because it is not a light letter about the weather, my garden or the cat .

I tried that just writing light letters to you not giving much of my self to you.

So there would not be much for you to hurt.

Maybe you should save this letter until the next morning to read while you drink your coffee.

I do not want an answer to this letter.

I do not want a phone call.

I got your last three phone messages.

You sounded sad and depressing and

I could not understand some of your long rambling on the last message.

I know it is a bad time of the year for you.

I am sorry for that.

I have felt the sadness also ever since I have been a kid.

I have been aware of your sadness for years.

I remember you crying and crying when I was a girl.

I am sorry for that sadness that we live with

and share over a loss of your first son and my older brother .

You were not the only one who lost much when he died.

I lost not only my oldest brother, my first real friend

but a happy family life with a happy mom and dad.

His death changed every thing for us.

The two times you called recently on a Saturday morning we were not at home.

We rarely are at home on Saturday mornings.

The third time you called on Monday,

I did not hear the phone I was taking a shower.

I was glad I was not able to take your phone calls.

I even started to screen my calls after your third call to avoid talking to you.

I did not feel like calling you back.

I do not always enjoy talking with you.

You often have made me feel bad and hurt deep inside.

There was a phone call last yearr when you

blamed me for being an embarrassment to you

in front of the relatives when I was a tiny little girl.

I had a great deal of anixety over that phone call it made me sick for three days

after your call after the things you said to me.

I did not want to see you when we came to PA after that phone call.

You listed 3 things that made you embarrassed about me when

I was a tiny girl they were things I had no control over.

One thing you named is when I hurt my upper thigh on the swimming pool Grandpap bought me.

And you said how he was so up set that he never bought us another thing after that.

How he rarely ever bought us any thing before that and then how I ruined it by hurting my self.

He was not even there to see me hurt my self.

He would of never known if you didn't make a fuss out of such a small thing.

Another thing you said is how your uncle loved me so much and I made a fuss as you said it ane I was an embarrasment to you.

You said "he fainted or passed out on top of me " You said he was drunk and you said you were in the kitchen and you did not know he had come to visit and you had to run into the dining room see what was wrong with me.

That was as you said an embarrassment to you.

I explained my memory of it he didn't pass out on me.

He did worse. I was a tiny girl who was being abused by an old man.

Older men over powering and tickling tiny children until they fall down and can not breath is abuse.

If I had not had lost my breath and fell down my self and made a fuss he may of done worse harm.

I had anxiety over that incident for years.

This is not just a passing feeling not wanting to talk to you on the phone.

You should know that for a number of years.

I have your phone number hidden away in my husbands closet in only one place of my house so I will not be tempted to call you

So when I go through the trouble to search and find it so I can call you. I am feeling a need to talk to you.

I have your phone number erased from my address book's that we use daily.

I can not remember your number and will not try to remember it.

We did have a nice conversation one evening a few weeks ago when you called needing some one to talk with.

I was that person for you.

I was a good listener.

You sounded more mentally healthy than usually that night even though you were tired

your conversation was pleasant.

Those kind of easy conversations are very rare between us.

After those rare occasions I think maybe we can share more of our lives together

and I start to forget a little how much you can hurt me with words

and I think maybe you can be there to talk with when I want to share not only my joys in life but my bad days also.

So one day after you called me I needed a mother badly to talk with who I thought could listen and comfort me.

Who could understand.

Yes I fool my self thinking once in a while that you could be that women.

If you remember last time I called you I was in a very rare sad depressed mood.

And I tried to explain to you why I felt so sad and why I thought I needed your comfort.

You know I rarely call you so if I was calling I must of needed to talk with you. At least I thought I did.

I started to explain to you the sad people I was running into after I pushed my self to get out of the house because I was feeling low and I have read that when you feel that way you should push your self to get out of the house and see people and do things so I did.

And in the course of getting out of the house to cheer my self up on a gloomy feeling day,

I ran into and listened to a man I know talk about his depression who is still depressed two years after his mother died while I was at the library searching for a book of poems.

Then still struggling with my own blue mood.

I took a book out a book of up lifting poems to a coffee shop and sat out side on a sunny deck that I had all to my self to have a very good mug of coffee and read poems.

It was lovely. The sun came out.

The sun was warm even though the air was cool and the coffee shop sits by a river that runs by.

Every one else choose to sit inside but I like the out side so I sat on the deck despite the cold.

I was discovering an old book of some delightful English poet.

But the moment of my peaceful thoughts didn't last.

I was approached by a young man who has a very high position of authority in a church. He was there with a women he works with and not his young wife.

His wife is pretty and has long blond hair and is very sweet but she is not strong she has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

That was the second time I seen him out at noon with a young women other than his wife and it was not a relative he was with either since he is not from here they moved here a few years ago from Florida.

The first time I seen him out with this women he came over to our table to explain to us he was having lunch with his work mates by only this women was with him the whole time.

The second time I seen him first and I was trying to pretend like I did not see him come with this women when he came over to talk to me by him self leaving her behind for a few minutes.

They left before I did and must of went out the back way because I went in to get my coffee refill just minutes after he talked to me and went to join her and they were gone already.

When he came over to talk to me I felt as if he was searching me out about how I felt about seeing him with this other women and I avoided the subject like a nice person should it is his ruin and down fall not mine.

I have not mentioned to any one that could carry the talk back to his wife.

But seeing him twice like like that had an effect on me.

We live in a small community and people talk if they see a man or a women with a person other than a wife or husband etc.

I learned this lesson hard from your behavior about the way people will talk.

It has even been told to me when I was visiting in PA last time by an older neighbor we had when I was a kid that a man that visited our house when I was young was the father to one of my younger siblings.

Do not ask me who this person is.

I do not want you to talk to them about it.

You will only up set your self talking to this person.

I do not know what man that could be.

But I know indeed there were man enough that visited our home when I was a girl.

I remember being angry at one man every time he came when dad was not home.

I must of been 10 years old and I did not know any thing about what went on between men and women but

his presence made me angry when he was around you.

He also did not like me because he knew I did not like him and you and dad allowed him to knock me over at a swimming pond when I was a girl and I did not know how to swim and it scared me.

You also use to go over to his house he was a neighbor who lived a few doors up.

I do not truly believe any of my brothers or sisters have another father than the same father I have.

We all look like dad in some way.

But I have do have my doubts about your faithfulness to my father

when I was a girl because of the men that visited out home.

But the point I am making is that people talk and gossip and slander others so when some one is seen in an area that is known as the Bible belt with another man or women their is suspicion.

So from what I have learned from your behavior is to be very careful about my own because I would not want any one thinking I have messing around with another man.

Even if the man was just a good friend.

Gossip like that could hurt my brothers or sisters if they thought they had another father.

And it is gossip I have heard in the year 2001 after 30 years.

Little did the man know that I seen with another women that their was another women who probably knows who he is she was having coffee at the same shop.

She greeted me on her way out and he is too new to know her but her mother goes to his church all the time.

And the daughter goes on occasion.

If talk leaks out and it gets back to him it could be from that source and he might think it was from me.

Then that same day after leaving the coffee shop I went to meet my wonderful faithful husband for lunch and I ran into an older women who eats out alone because her husband often stays home when she goes out to eat or to any gathering.

I would rather avoid this women and I do as often as I can she talks negatively about many things and about many people and is not a happy person to be around.

But the person I am, felt compassion for her sitting all alone.

So I joined her. My mistake.

She is the type who talks and acts as if is she is very healthy in thinking and she talked in a very negative way about some people entering the restaurant because they were over weight and she had some thing negative to say about pleasant things I would try to change the subject about.

Like the pretty pear tree blooms to her they "smelled bad".

John joined us but I still sat with her alone to finish my dessert he had to rush back to work or rush away from her one or the other.

Then I was not finished in my quest of good deeds to make my self feel happy.

I read it was better to give then receive.

I went shopping in two stores to buy the best ripe fruit of what I could find to made up a nice big gift of fruit and candy to take to the nursing home to see a friend and her family. I knew the friend was very sick and probably would die soon and I really went to see her daughters friends of mine also.

I knew the sick women could not enjoy the fruit basket but the relatives who had been sitting at her bed side all week could probably eat some fresh fruit.

The fruit and candy was for the women's three children and their families.

When I arrive the ones there were crying softly over her death bed and no other people besides 6 family members and the funeral director who was standing out side the room waiting to take her away were at the nursing home yet.

The door to my friends room was open to allow any one in who wanted to see her one last time. They were waiting for others to arrive and she had just died an hour before when I got there and I did not know before I arrived that she was dead.

While I was shopping she was dying.

Her husband laid close to death in a bed next to her bed.

It was the first time I ever seen a person who just died.

Her head was uncovered and still in the position she had died in.

Her mouth was wide open.

The family there all were glad to see me and I got hugs by the three women.

The husband of the one opened up my goodie basket and started to eat the candy.

They wrote me a lovely note to thank me for being there.

But it proved very sad for me I felt the deep sadness that settled in deeper in the night.

I think this would be very sad for any one to arrive after a friend just died and see her in bed uncovered.

I choice you to call in my deep sadness.

But you would not allow me to tell you why I was so sad you got hung up on asking me if I told the first depressed person I ran into if he prayed and then you started to quote scripture to me that I should of quoted to him.

I tried to tell you that you missed the whole point of my calling it was not about the depressed man I ran into.

But you would not listen to me at all you kept arguing with me about prayer.

And besides I feel when you ask some one if they are praying after they say to you "I am still depressed over my mothers death" you might be assuming they do not pray.

Or you are telling them if you would just pray you would not be depressed .

Or you were possible telling me that I was not saying the right thing to the man.

Or just maybe you were trying to say to me if I would go and pray I would not feel sad and blue so why call you.

What ever I did not handle the situation as you would of no doubt.

I felt you sounded cold and uncompassionate.

You defiantly were not going to wait and listen to hear what I had to say I also felt you sounded very self righteous.

You had nothing to give me in the way of words to make me feel better and the funny thing was I didn't need words so much as I needed a mother who could listen and understand.

I was very sorry I called and cried deeply that night again as I have before at times through the years.

The first time I was aware of these feeling as a teenager at the age of 14 after spending many hours in my couch crying for the lost of not having a mother who could truly reach out and love and nurture me as I needed it and still think I need from a mother on a rare occasion.

I will never for get that night I was so sad and lonely as a teenager when my mother was not home all night and I needed hugged and loved and I felt so deeply alone and cried and cried because you were not there.

You have removed your self from me piece by piece.

I have mourned parts of losing you already and you are still fleshly alive.

I can not risk the fear of losing more by giving you more of my self. Of my emotions to cut off.

I am afraid when you do die there will be nothing more to cry over.

The lost I have in not having a mother I have needed.

Leaves me empty to want to call again any time soon to talk with you.

I do not want to be hurt inside by you over and over again in similar ways.

I do not want to be on your roller coaster of ups and downs with you.

I am sorry I am not the daughter you need me to be.

One that can take any thing you say and not question it or not feel hurt by your words and never tells you I am hurt.

A daughter that only listens to you and never disagrees.

A daughter who can visit you and call you and write to you often.

A daughter who knows your bra size and buys you bra's.

I do not mean to hurt you by writing this letter but I think you should know how I feel so you are not wondering why I have not called you back or written you.

Jeanie

P.S. I wrote this letter risking that you will threaten me with it some way like you did before by telling me when you were up set about some thing that you have all my letters.

I also am in fear that you will laugh and poke fun at my letter and poke fun like you have done before with others.

I will have to take the risk.

I read both of your letters. I can't tell you what to do. I know that when I've written letters like the one you wrote where I did not hide my thoughts I felt good at first but then no one would talk to me especially those who are depressed or having a hard time themselves. That is not saying that you don't need to resolve this somehow though. One thing for sure that I suggest is to read that letter (the one not hiding anything) to a chair and picture your mother and really read it with all your emotions in it. You could also try this. After you are done go and sit in the chair where you pictured your mother and imagine what she would say back. Then go from chair to chair in a dialogue with her. This may help you some, I don't know. Just an idea I'll throw out.

I do understand how you feel hurt by your mother's comments and behaviors toward you and sorry she is not sensitive to your feelings. It can be so frustrating and sad. I also think that maybe getting a book on assertiveness may help you, too. But still, I must warn, not everyone will listen to our feelings and thoughts on matters. It doesn't mean our feelings or thoughts are not valid, of course. You deserve to be heard. I think you could use a counselor to see for support and more help with dealing with the people in your life. You may have some in your area that you could see for free. Some cities have free counselors.

I hope you'll keep posting and reading here and "talking" about things, too. Take care, CQ


<font color=purple>"In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule." Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil</font color=purple>