[Bill3]

I had an appointment for December 7. On December 1, I emailed T to reschedule. No response. On December 4, I emailed again and specifically requested a response to my email of December 1. No response. Now I began to get worried.

Possible trigger:

The last time (in October) that a person somewhat close to me inexplicably did not respond to messages, it turned out that they had been murdered. T knows that.

I speculated for three days as to what might be the reason that there was no response. My mind ranged pretty far and wide as to what could have happened. I googled her to see if anything bad had happened to her. Finally, on December 7, at the time of the canceled appointment, T telephoned me to see where I was. I could not pick up. She then emailed a response to my message of December 1. She acted as if nothing was wrong, she made no apology and in fact no mention at all of the fact that it took her six days to respond to my email.

I now have an appointment for December 19.

What is your opinion of how T handled this situation? What should I say to her on December 19?

Thank you very much!

[awkwardlyyours]

Obviously, she handled it poorly.

I'd say everything that's on my mind, no holds barred.

I'm assuming this T is not someone you just started with -- in that case, I'd go by how she handled prior screw-ups.

[healinginprogress]

That would be very upsetting. Can you send her an e-mail before then to explain what you were feeling and why?

For me, it would be something we could work through, but it would require setting up expectations and understanding of what happened.

[Bill3]

@awkwardlyyours: Thanks!

I have been with her for over four years.

She has screwed up a few things in the past, but nothing near the magnitude of this one.

@healinginprogress: Thanks! I thought about an email but I am not sure whether that or waiting until the session would be better. What brings you to prefer email?

[LonesomeTonight]

Ugh, that sucks. I'd definitely share your feelings with her. If nothing else, she should have apologized and given you some sort of explanation.

Out of curiosity, how responsive is she normally to e-mails? Maybe she's better with texts or phone calls for something time-sensitive like scheduling?

[unaluna]

Im sorry about your friend.

A, did you check your spam? (Sorry, had to ask! Im an old computer programmer.)

B. It sounds like she went to the email when she realized her mistake, because spam or no, she was the one who failed to refill the spot. I think she is acknowledging her error by responding to the dec 1 email. If she HAD indeed responded, it would have shown on her side.

C. So she overlooked the email. How bad is this? Its worse because of your personal circumstances. But i think email has gone the way of snail mail and voice mail - you need to text or call to get a response from someone these days.

D. So i would just ask her what her preference would be, in order to avoid a future snafu.

[Bill3]

@LonesomeTonight: usually she is reliable with email. She has had a few slipups over the years, but nothing major. Thanks for your perspective on what to do going forward!

@unaluna: Thank you very much for your kind words and for your perspective. (Not in spam, I checked just now, but it wouldn't be because it was part of an ongoing thread in gmail).

[healinginprogress]

Originally Posted by Bill3

@awkwardlyyours: Thanks!

I have been with her for over four years.

She has screwed up a few things in the past, but nothing near the magnitude of this one.

@healinginprogress: Thanks! I thought about an email but I am not sure whether that or waiting until the session would be better. What brings you to prefer email?

I would email because I personally wouldn't be able to sit on those feelings that long. Plus I sometimes have a hard time talking about "negative" emotions towards my T, so being able to email, I could take my time, use my words, and not have to sit with those emotions.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What is your opinion of how T handled this situation? What should I say to her on December 19?

Thank you very much!

I don't think this was egregious behavior on her part, and that you both might own a bit of what happened. I mean, after a few days with no reply, could you have called her in the event her computer was acting up or out of service?

When you see her on the 19th, I would just ask what happened on her end (had she gotten your email and forgot to respond or not checked her email at all for some reason) and then how to prevent something like that again and find out how she prefers to get communications. It may have changed. Like unaluna said, fewer people use email.

For me, it works best when I start off a conversation like that trying to get clarity first. As I learn more information, I can adjust my response (say, if I find they were just blowing me off).

After getting clarity and working out a way to communicate in the future, I would shift to talking about how not hearing back was triggering emotions related to what happened with your friend a couple months ago. Of course, you could lead with this, depending on what's most pressing. But doing it after the other leaves more time to talk about the emotions it brought up for you.

[Bill3]

Thanks for your persepctive and plan of approach ruh roh. I did consider calling after no response to the second email. The reason that I did not call was that I would certainly reach her voice mail and I saw that, perhaps incorrectly, as amounting to simply leaving the same message a third time. I was also concerned about my ability to speak in a self-controlled manner (not come across as more calm, or more upset, than I truly felt) and say precisely what I wanted to say in real time.

[awkwardlyyours]

It wouldn't as much (not to say, not at all of course) bother me if the T had just not responded -- as hurt as I might've been, I could at some level chalk it up to some sort of a technical glitch on either end.

It does bother me a great deal -- and, would seem almost insurmountable -- that when she chose to respond to the Dec 1 email finally, she did not in any way acknowledge and seriously apologize for the delay (and along with it, the obvious distress it must've caused).

That's a rather big issue from my perspective -- to pretend that nothing had happened and it was just a routine response. It would shake my trust quite a lot.

Bill3 -- I hope you're able to sort it out in whatever way allows you peace.

[nottrustin]

Does she normally return emails in a more timely manner? If she called during the time of the appointment to see where you were it tells me ahe didn't receive the emails. I would be upset also. I would discuss it and how you should handle such things in the future.

The first time I emailed EMDR T about something going on it took a few days to reapond. I was upset and the negative thoughts happened. She dis appologivw repeatesly and admitted sje can be bad at reading emails. I now am supposed to text her which is in uncomfortable.

[Pennster]

I can imagine this would be very upsetting. If it's any help, something vaguely similar happened a few times with my therapist. Then I just realized he is really bad at dealing with emails, and he is much better at keeping track of texts and phone calls. I still use email for some purposes, but if I need a response, I ring or text him. It really helps me to know how to handle this situation, and that I don't have to be stuck helplessly waiting for an answer, which is how I used to feel before figuring it out.

Anyway, not sure if that will help, but just sharing my experience in case it is useful.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I speculated for three days as to what might be the reason that there was no response. My mind ranged pretty far and wide as to what could have happened. I googled her to see if anything bad had happened to her. Finally, on December 7, at the time of the canceled appointment, T telephoned me to see where I was. I could not pick up. She then emailed a response to my message of December 1. She acted as if nothing was wrong, she made no apology and in fact no mention at all of the fact that it took her six days to respond to my email.

I now have an appointment for December 19.

What is your opinion of how T handled this situation? What should I say to her on December 19?

I would find what happened very odd and confusing. Her behavior is suspicious; manipulative perhaps. She obviously knew you emailed her and just as obviously never read your email. Seems the honorable thing for her to do would have been to apologize for whatever it was that happened in the response email.

I would ask her for whatever it is you want explained. For me, it would be why she didn't read my emails, why she didn't apologize, and what the guidelines around outside communication is moving forward.

[guilloche]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend too. I'd be worried about a non-responsive T, even without having experienced something that traumatic - but knowing your history, it's really a shame that she didn't respond more promptly.

I also prefer email (and generally try to pick Ts that are OK with using it). Email is my preferred way of communicating... but sometimes I've had to adjust. (My sister, notably, does not check email anymore - she only texts. I send her texts, from my email!)

I just wanted to chime in to second the idea that, if you don't get a response via email - it can be helpful to make a followup phone call. Just in case... just in case your T saw it, couldn't respond in the moment, and then it slipped down in their list; or just in case their email is down, or they're locked out of their account, or they can't access it for some other reason. Things happen... sometimes emails don't get delivered (it's true, I've seen it! They literally got lost in cyberspace!)

But, I understand the anxiety. I get like that too!

Do you think it would help to jot down notes before you call? This helps me... I make a little outline of what I want to say, and I make sure that I have any details written down, so I don't forget or mess them up (like, I might write down the date that I emailed the T and the date of the appointment that I'm rescheduling, and I usually write down my own phone number, because oddly enough - I can get confused about it!).

Good luck. This seems like it should be something that you and your T can work out. If she's good, I think she'll admit that she screwed up, show that she understands why that would be scary for you, and apologize.

[Bill3]

Update: I discovered that she left me a voice mail at the time of the canceled appointment. In the voice mail, she readily acknowledges that she did not get back to me about the cancellation. Her manner is friendly and breezy, not particularly apologetic. She obviously had no conception whatsoever of the significance of the situation to me. It will be interesting on the 19th!

[feralkittymom]

Nice to see your name, Bill3 (despite the less than happy circumstances that prompted your posting).

It appears that you're well on your way to addressing the issue. Must say, I'm glad I've never been involved with e-mailing a T--it just seems fraught with potential for conflict.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope that you're otherwise well.

[Bill3]

Great to hear from you feralkittymom! 😀 Thanks for your perspective. I hope that you are well.