Couch 159: Aemilia, a Couch on the Asteroid Belt

Thanks, EM. I'm starting to think, from what he said last week, that he means more working through the transference with my T, but also continuing to see MC (vs. walking away), to see that he isn't rejecting or abandoning me. Like, for me to stay with him until transference is resolved, but for most of that resolution to come from T (or, I suppose, my own self-reflection), rather than him. That's part of why I changed T's, too, because ex-T certainly didn't seem to be helping with it--in fact, I almost wonder if she could have made it worse somehow, with the pathologizing of it? Because that made me less comfortable talking openly about it with her. I do feel T is someone who can help me more with it, but it's tough because MC *has* been willing to talk/e-mail about transference stuff in the past (and is to some extent now, I believe, it just depends on the topic). And when he's the one emphasizing the benefits to working through it and not running away, it's natural for me to think, "OK, you're telling me not to run away, so help me with it!"

I understand what you mean. It's the same reason that sometimes, like this latest love e-mail, why I wanted to process that, say, on the phone with MC and/or in person with my T before talking to H about it. Because I wanted a better understanding about what it was all about first so I could relay it to him. Of course, that got all messed up by the Sunday phone call with MC--I pretty much *had* to tell H what was up then, or else Monday would have been a very strange session to him. I had been trying to find out from MC if *he* was going to bring up the e-mail two sessions ago (he's done that before), because if so, I'd need to talk to H about it first. If he wasn't, then I would have waited to see T at my scheduled appt. Tuesday, talked to him about it, figured out (hopefully!) what was up, then talked to H that night or next day. But since MC wouldn't answer that question till Sunday afternoon, then the brief text exchange (where he'd misunderstood what I'd been asking about and then said something that was just total BS) led to him calling me, which...messed up that whole plan. I did say yesterday in session what I'd intended to do, that it wasn't about keeping things from H...just getting my head straight first, so to speak.

I think there is *some* benefit to having H there for discussions of transference in session--I think it helps him understand what's going on in my head better, because MC can kind of translate it for him. But then it also may be confusing for him to see how upset I was yesterday or, particularly, after the phone call. Because it's hard to articulate *why* it's so distressing. Like, why do I care so much about this guy and how he is to me? How can I explain my feelings when I can't fully understand them myself?

I also feel you on the shame in still working through some of this stuff. I wish I'd done some deeper therapy work in my teens or 20s (I'm 40 now), so I could have worked some of this out earlier, before getting married and having a kid (I did see a couple different therapists for about a year each at times, but nothing like this). Though...I'm pretty sure becoming a mom helped trigger some of the paternal transference stuff...so it may have resurfaced anyway...

True...that's what I was scared was happening with the call last Sunday. Like, "Now I've screwed up another relationship. This person is starting the process of rejecting me because I became 'too much'. I've done it again." Even though MC keeps insisting he's not rejecting or abandoning me (at least he seemed to understand more yesterday why it felt like that). I worry if I ultimately end up getting really hurt by him (this hurt a lot, but he's made it mostly better, I think--though only time can tell for sure), that will just make things worse for me...

Deep breaths...

I thought this semester was busy? In the spring I'm taking a graduate level class and my principal called me on the way home asking me to take on a student teacher.

How am I going to survive?

((((daisy)))) The class is probably mandatory but I wonder if there is a way to say no to the student teacher, like if you got a doctor's note or something.

Couchies! Just popping in to say HOLY CRIMONY THANK YOU for all of the huggage and the Good Vibage and smoke signalage.

Vacation with the parents actually went kind of okay? I mean, they reserved only one hotel room for the three of us (the two of them on the bed and me on the pull-out couch) not because of financial restrictions but because Why Would We Need Boundaries Or Anything Like That (e.g. mom refuses to close the bathroom door when she is moving her bowels for crying out loud) so I transplanted the couch cushions to the porch and there was a meteor shower and it was lovely. And we didn't get into any arguments about Why, Only Child, Don't You Want To Spend Every Waking Second With Us? (hint: the parentals make the only child miserable with the emotional vampirism and the Lack of Boundaries and their own hopelessness etc etc etc.)

Anyway. Basically y'all are wonderful and I <3 you

My principal explained his rationale as to why me (kind of) and I'm...uniquely qualified for a student teacher this year. My schedule lends itself to almost the full spectrum of responsibilities one may have as a special education teacher. Plus this is major brownie points for me, which should pay off when I apply for department head when it comes open.

The class is indeed mandatory, especially since if I drop it now I owe the district $900 that I don't have.

But not everything is bad in Daisy Land. Today was the last day of school until the 4th and yoga class tonight was really good.

Yay for yoga!

I'm struggling not to feel unfairly angry at my T (emphasis on "unfairly").

Last week, Sunday evening I asked if he had any cancellations, as I could use a second session that week. This is very unusual for me to ask for, but I've had a ton of emotional stuff rising up out of the depths lately. He said he didn't have any open time slots but he'd let me know. On Tuesday, when my daughter had her regular appointment with him, he said "Oh did I tell you I'm out of town Thursday and Friday?" I was like "No, but that's fine!" Because when I'm not actually in session, I will always say everything is fine. As soon as they went into his office I went and cried because I knew I wouldn't see him a second time. Then when I had my usual appointment on Wednesday, he told me he was not only going out of town, it was to a retreat where he'd be without any internet / phone access. If I hadn't asked where he was going, he'd never even have mentioned he'd be totally inaccessible.

This week I asked again, Monday morning, if he could let me know about any cancellations. He said he would, but I have reason to think he forgot. He opened the email several times yesterday, I guess in considering his schedule, before emailing to say "I will let you know." Today he hasn't opened it once. And when I again took my daughter to her usual Tuesday appointment, he didn't say anything about letting me know about cancellations. I wanted to remind him, but didn't want to seem needy or pushy.

On top of that there's been a billing screw-up -- he admitted it's on their side, but apparently forgot to tell his billing people -- so I have to spend time on that tomorrow and I don't want to waste even 90 seconds on it! I have so little time I feel panicked and he's off next week for the holidays.

It feels like I'm falling apart and he could not be any more casual or laid back. The thing is that while projecting "Everything is fine" outside of session (which should NOT fool him after all this time), I have grown to be very honest about my feelings in session, and to let my emotions come forward even if they seem irrational. Well, it feels like what's going to come out is a lot of anger. I don't want to do that-- I don't think I have rational complaints, I don't want that to happen right before the holidays, and the two times before when I've been angry, I truly thought I might have a heart attack. It was terrifying. But I feel like he should know from my two requests that I am struggling and should not be so ****ing casual.

I don't know what to do. My best guess is to try to spend an hour or two crying before I sleep. Writing this has also helped too I think (thanks y'all).

Hugs, MostlyLurking... Any feelings you have are worth bringing up with your T. I hope you have a good session tomorrow.

And by "billing people," do you mean he has office staff? Could you take it up with them instead of him before or after your appointment?

(((ML)))
Can you email him these thoughts/feelings tonight or in the morning (about his nonchalance to your stress, your billing issue) so he will be aware of how you feel and you'll have more time to process it without having to fully explain it. I can't help you as far as anger goes as I have difficulty expressing anger, I tend to mitigate it as best as I can using humor. BTW, your complaints don't have to be rational in therapy, and often in my case they aren't. I hope it goes well for you tomorrow.

What are you all reading? I am almost finished with my book, a book about emotions and the brain that I heard about in a podcast, and I'm looking for something new to read. I need distraction.

And reading A Christmas Carol aloud, because even though the boys are teens they still like it when I read to them. We're on the Ghost of Christmas Future tonight, and we'll watch the Patrick Stewart version when we have time.

They're immersed in holiday tradition right now. Youngest is singing in the Nutcracker chorus this weekend; brother already danced in his Nutcracker; they all had their holiday concert. I'm grateful. Last year, they all mostly stayed in their rooms and didn't want to do any holiday things. This year, they're pulling me through the holiday season. I put the Mom face on and say, "Sure!" and do all the things, but I really want to hide in my room.

So, when I got home today from the day from hell at work, I felt like just running nonstop, and not looking back. Instead, I went for a walk around my neighborhood but it was ALOT longer than I usually walk. Now, I have blisters on my feet and think I must need a different kind of shoes?. Is it possible for me to try to take a giant leap forward, or even a small step, without having a negative consequence?

Hi Anastasia ~

You have a PM

Keyplayer. 

(((mostlylurking)))

Could you email him and tell him how much you're struggling so he at least knows you really, really need an extra slot? I hope things get better soon.

Thanks LT and Anastasia-- especially for reading something so long. It didn't feel that long when I wrote it!

I might write something out to have him read right at the start of session tomorrow. The appointment is mid morning, I will have time to figure out how I'm feeling after I wake up. Maybe I'll feel mad, maybe I'll be sad and clingy, hard to say. Whatever it is I think I'd better let it out because it's two weeks till I see him again.

LT, it's a very small practice, just two T's, so they hire an outside accountant to handle billing. The last check I wrote, my T cashed it but it wasn't credited to my account. He told me they emailed him, and yes, he sees the check and that it was cashed, he's not sure why it wasn't credited but of course it will be. But just before 5 today the billing person left a message that they hadn't heard from him today. He just needs to send a one sentence email. I'm just frustrated... it's not like him to not be paying attention.

Thanks NP, I'm his first appointment in the morning (he starts late Wednesdays so not ridiculously early). I think I will be able to tell him. Outside of session I revert to my natural "Don't mind me, I'm fine!" mentality but in session I can usually be more honest.

I met with substituteT. She was nice, but she really needs to speak louder. She was practically whispering. I could barely hear her. I asked her twice to speak louder and she would for one sentence, then right back to the almost-whisper.
That would be a deal breaker for me for a permanent T.

I asked what was said about me. Info was exchanged via email apparently. It was about what I expected. She also added that he enjoys working with me which was really nice to hear.

Unfortunately, the session ended up being exactly what I didn't want it to be - a retelling of my abusive relationship at a high level. It's really hard to have to think of the big picture of my relationship right now. It becomes overwhelming very quickly. I cried on the drive back home. I have another appointment with her next Tuesday.

Hey NP, I wonder if you could pick one very small thing -- if one comes to mind -- and direct your next session with substitute T toward handling that thing? Like a few hurtful words on one occasion, or a little detail that sticks in your mind a lot? I could see where the big picture is too much. Maybe tackling a tiny thing would help you feel cared for until regular T is back.

Do you have emails or texts with regular T? I re-read all my T's emails when I miss him. Even though his replies are all really short it helps.

something kind of amazing has happened recently. i got an email from my mom the other day and she signed it "I love you". She always just puts "love". And then she called this evening, to find out what my son wants for Christmas so he can have something under the tree (he's going to visit her for the holiday) and right before we hung up, she SAID THOSE WORDS. "I love you." I was so shocked I replied "I love you too" and after we hung up I stared at the phone, my h goes what? I said, "she said 'I love you'". he goes so? I started crying and said you don't understand. I don't remember her saying all three of those words before. When I'm leaving after visiting we'll hug goodbye and she'll say "love you" without the "I". I don't know why this is such a huge deal to me. I can't believe I cried.

Egad I almost want to email t to tell her!! and I'll be seeing her on Friday.

(((Artie))) my aunt (my mothers sister) always says that at the end of phone calls now too. Its not something i ever did with my mother, but its nice that my aunt does. She gives me a sense of place now that no one else ever did. Her grandchildren are using her ancestors names for the great grands.

This seems like a brilliant idea. I always thought backup T's were not really for getting into the gory details. If it were me, I might want to avoid the abuse story altogether and talk about daily living and stability things, given how much you have been struggling lately. Or maybe talk about how you feel about your T being away and/or the stress of your first holiday season after all that stuff happened.

I don't know if there's a lot of value in pulling out all the really traumatic stuff and rehashing it with a T you are only going to see a few times. Seems like salting the wound. And it's totally fine to pull her back if she wants to go there. It's your time to talk about what you want to talk about, and I think it would be a healthy choice to say "no" to big picture abusive relationship stuff.

I agree 100%. She asked about how our relationship started and it all went from there. I think next week I will pick whatever I'm currently struggling with and just talk about that. Rehashing the whole relationship is just too painful for me right now.

Decided to check the meetup site for a drumming/journey circle before I see t on friday, and they're having one tomorrow evening. i am so there!!

heading to bed now. have a good night (or day) couchies!

Most of my session time today was spent on current T telling me about this thing called "Elf on the Shelf", that I've been blissfully unaware of all these years.

(Don't ask how we got there.)

Wow i understand how much that would mean Art. Wheni was little i used to say I love you to my adoptive mum(my aunt) and she would lwys say 'you dont know what love is' i have alwys made aneffort to to say i lobe you to my girls both intially and in response to them. She lost my uncle who was the love of her life when i was very young, i think thts what she meant