T asking me to call her

My T is doing a phone session with me on New Year's Day. She offered for us to do it during our normal session time. The only problem is that when she was suggesting doing it, she was thinking aloud and said, "well, its New Year's Day, but I guess that's okay." Which automatically made me feel guilty and very uncomfortable about it. She then told me to make sure to call her because she would get distracted and forget. I'm very, very grateful for what she's doing for me, but I can't help feeling hurt by what she said. Am I being unfair? I really think I might be being wrong here, but I can't help feeling ashamed and hurt by it. I'm just wondering if others would be hurt by her saying this too. I don't feel like I can say anything to her because I'm so grateful and appreciative for what she's doing for me and this seems so petty of me.

I would be a bit confused and unnerved by this response too. If we're having a session -- phone or not -- I want my T to be on and ready, 100% in therapist mode, even if she is secretly wearing fuzzy slippers. I don't think it's petty at all to be upset by the ambivalence you are sensing. When this kind of thing has happened to me in therapy, I have often gotten a lot out of bringing it up (fixing a misunderstanding, seeing how I can misinterpret things, expressing anger or disappointment, etc.). Therapy is supposed to be the space where you can talk about anything. It shouldn't be about pleasing your T at the expense of you expressing your feelings.

I'd probably feel the same. Grateful for the call on a holiday, sad that she said she might not remember to call. It would have been kinder for her to leave that detail out and just asked you to initiate the call. I think it is fine to feel both at the same time. I probably wouldn't frame it as a complaint, but in a fact giving and curious way with T. "Hey, I feel grateful for the holiday phone session, but I also feel hurt that you said you wouldn't remember to call".

I do think that if T offered a session on a holiday, it's her choice. Unless you were somehow begging or manipulating to make that happen, she is capable of making that decision based on her schedule for the day.

I understand why you are picking up on ambivalence. But. She is okay with doing it. She offered it. It's okay for her to want you to call, especially if she is normally in at the office instead of being at home. She doesn't want to forget. But she prefers you to take it on you to call in at the right time. Just in case.
Honestly, I understand why you are reacting to it, I would feel guilty etc as well. But despite the oddness or the out-of-routineness of the arrangement, T is okay with having a phone session with you on Monday. Once you are on the phone together she is going to be with you and in for the session. It'll be okay, I think.

The deal is that when I do phone sessions with my T, I call. She told me before the very first phone call what to expect. I assume it’s also line how it’s on us to actually show up at their offices. Maybe your T was just trying to let you know how to do things?

I think if a therapist offers something that a client wants, the client does not have to worry about the therapist. They can take care of themselves.

The therapist should role mode good communication skills, and be clear. This seems like blurry boundaries- she wants the day off, but she wants to meet your needs. She should resolve that conflict behind the scenes, not give it to you like a hot potato imo.

I have never seen or thought of a therapist as a role model for anything. If nothing else, taking them at their word is a client role modeling for a therapist not to offer something they don't want to give. Otherwise, if you tend to believe therapists, take what they offer and go on.

Thank you to everyone for all the responses. I'm still really upset about this and trying to figure out what to do.

In a case like this, I would feel hurt too. You are not being unfair. She messed up by revealing her true feelings by thinking out loud. If it was me, I’d cancel the appointment for New Year’s Day. I’d cancel for a couple of reasons: 1) She’s human - we all make mistakes - there is room for error in relationships; and 2) I’d rather get a “better version” of my T on a day she truly wants to be at work. That’s just me, though.

My sister says that if I tell my T how I feel, he will never offer to speak to me again on a holiday. That I should just be grateful for what he is doing and that if I give him aggravation about it, he will never offer it again and I will regret it. Ughhhh.

Woebot would definitely call that all or nothing thinking, lol.

It is unfortunate he thought out loud as the post above put it so well, but it speaks well of you that you are attuned to other people and care.

Maybe you could just profusely & sincerely thank him for going out of his way to talk with you on a holiday, and let him know what a difference it makes for him to go above and beyond?

There is no way for your sister to know this for sure.

I wrote my therapist an email but I'm scared to send it. She is OK with email and OK with them being long.

Dear T,
I'm really feeling badly about your comments about our speaking on Monday. I just felt like you were really ambivalent about the whole thing and I was really sensing that ambivalence. First your saying how it is a holiday but you guess it should be okay to talk. That really hurt. And then you kept repeating about how I have to call you because you'll get distracted and forget. Remembering that takes my breath away- it hurt and it makes me cringe in shame. And then what you kept saying about how you do sincerely want to speak, but after what had come before, it just felt a little bit- I just couldn't really get myself to believe it and feel okay about it, feel safe about it.

The whole thing made me feel super uncomfortable because it makes me feel like I'm infringing on your vacation and like you're doing something that you don't really want to do, and that's the last thing I would ever want. And how you kept saying that a lot would be going on around you and you would be distracted by it – it made me think that if so much is going on around you, that I don't want to interrupt that or pull you away from that. I would never, never want to do that to you. And then selfishly, in addition to my concern for you that I'm bothering you, what you were saying also really, really hurt me, really hurt my feelings and stung me, I guess.

It's also hard because I really do (did?) want to speak on Monday, given everything that's happening with me.

It's so ridiculously scary for me to send this to you. I can imagine my sister telling me that here you are going out of your way to do me a favor and I'm complaining and giving you aggravation and so you will never do it for me again and I'm ruining everything. That thought paralyzes me with fear and really, really upsets me because I cannot tell you how much I sincerely appreciate what you're doing for me with speaking on Monday and how much it helps and how much it means to me. I couldn't bear to lose that kind of a similar thing going forward just because here I am being a spoiled brat and complaining to you. I have a very strong feeling that I shouldn't send this to you because even if you reassure me about this piece of it for the future, I will probably still freak out and panic about it afterwards, and I just don't want to live through that torture. But then, I'm feeling so awful about your comments and so unsettled that I also don't want to just swallow it and pretend that I'm okay when I'm actually extremely upset. I also can't imagine actually calling you on Monday – I would cringe with fear that I'm bothering you.

Part of me really wanted to write you now and just say that I was going to cancel for Monday. And I know you've told me that I can write that and do that if that's what I need, that I don't have to be good and follow rules anymore. And I'm sure there will come a time when I will have to do that, where I won't be able to get myself to write it out like this and be open with you. But I thought I would try this time and see how it went and see if I can get up the guts to send this to you.

Please don't be upset with me. Please, please don't take anything away from me going forward because of this. Please don't speak to me on Monday if you don't want to and I'm bothering you. Please, I don't want to ruin your last day of vacation. And please understand that I'm upset with myself for being so upset about this. But the whole thing just felt really offputting and it really hurt and scared me. I'm sorry for feeling like this. And please also understand how scary it is for me to tell you all this. But I just keep remembering you telling me how you're so different from my sister. I'm trying my best.

I hope you get the courage to send this to her. You wish no harm for you, for her, for anyone. You are taking on so much responsibility here and it hurts you. I hope you send it. If I were your t and read this I would only wish to reassure you so that you could end all that angst.

How did it go, goatee? Did you send the email and/or have the phone session? Hope everything turned out okay...

ElectricManatee, thank you for asking! I told her directly my concerns and she wrote me back right away, explaining what she had meant. It was basically a misunderstanding. I feel so much better. It wasn't that she was ehh about talking to me. She was just concerned she would forget and I would get upset. She was trying to avoid that. Everything is OK now. Thank you again so much for asking and remembering!

You remind me of me. That's just the kind of mental conniptions I'ld be going through over the scenario you describe. Sometimes we just have to live with unsettling doubt, and let the passage of time reveal what it reveals. I understand you wanting some relief from your anxiety by wishing your T could put a more reassuring face on this.

So now The First has come and gone, so what was the upshot? What did you do, and what was her response? This may have taught you something positive, or not. Care to review how it played out?

Thanks, Rose. I shared my concerns with her and she was very reassuring. We had the phone session and it was a good one. I'm thinking I'll be able to take from this going forward to really trust her even if the situation seems unsettling.

Well that's good. I'm glad for you.

Why doesn't she just say she isn't working over the holidays. No one expects that anyways.