T asked the same question as most of you!

I can give a more complete answer now. I was too reactive with the other answer because it seems like you're telling me what I feel and no one can know someone else's mind. I DO feel guilty when I have looked things up about my T and that IS one reason I tell her. I also tell her because I want help. I don't think it's right to do that but she says it IS, which is confusing to me. It's now all right to Google, just don't tell her! I do NOT desire to invade my T's privacy! You're stating it in black and white and it's not. I believe it IS because I want to be close to her.

You're right about not accepting the relationship I have with her. It seems more like friendship because of her personality. She's open and friendly, and kind of casual. That's why I can tell her anything! I agree I have trouble accepting that we're not really friends, but it's the baby and child parts who want to be in her life. I don't think I can change my wanting the relationship to be more than it is. In spite of that, I am so much better in regards to vacations and between session contact. I used to be miserable when I missed a week. Not anymore. T and I know I'm better.

I didn't mean I didn't want to change anything. I focus on attachment in this forum, but I have made a great deal of progress in other areas of my life.

I'm not sure that limiting information is helping me. It just makes me want to know more. I had one T who disclosed a lot more and I did NOT have this kind of attachment to her. Maybe there were other factors but I think the holding back triggers me.

I'm sorry if you think I'm being defensive. I just think it's not black or white. Some of what you think makes sense to me but not all. I will ask my T what she thinks.

Thank you very much. My T always wants me to have self compassion. She doesn't criticize me either.

I don't want to keep it the same necessarily. I just don't think I'm EVER going to stop wanting my T to be more than she is to me. I think radical acceptance is where I am now. I do a lot of good work with my T so I have to accept never totally seeing her as totally the professional she is. I've made progress in separating and becoming my own person so maybe that's as good as it gets. Personality disorders are difficult to overcome. I am doing my best. If it's not good enough, it's time to stop struggling and accept myself. That's kind of what I meant.

I've always obsessed over therapy! Maybe it's just become a way of life for me. My T doesn't call it obsession, rather early attachment problems. She doesn't judge me at all. Therapy has helped me learn a great deal about myself and has helped me get through difficult times in my life. It has helped greatly to have someone I can say anything to. T is treating me for anxiety also. Yes, the main focus is building up my Self. That has been a slow process but is happening. I'm satisfied with my T. I have a lot going on in my life. I agree often it's easier to focus on therapy. I like the experience and the connection. I always have.

Hi Rainbow. I’m much more of a lurker than a poster, but I’m a dedicated lurker. So I’ve read lots of your threads. A couple of thoughts spring to mind.

I know people have questioned you on IFS, and you’re happy with the way you and your T do things. I guess the thing that strikes me about IFS is that it doesn’t sound like the end goal is an integration of parts per se— as opposed to other ideas of integrating parts into one self. If I understand correctly, the goal of IFS is for that adult/rational Self to control/soothe the child/emotional parts. But that sounds to me like a kind of perpetual power struggle; the question of whether your adult Self can control those parts will always be there.

I wonder if it would be helpful to think about integrating those parts instead. It may sound like a semantics game, but from an experiential perspective, they seem very different to me. A lot of my life has been about my Self controlling those parts (young/fearful, adolescent/rageful) that seemed very split off. One of the things that has been most helpful in my therapy has been the idea that those parts are not separate from the rest of me. Fear, rage, maliciousness, are all as normal and human as love, compassion, and happiness. Over time, as those parts have seemed less “separate” from my overall self, the fear, rage, and sadness has also become less intense.

I also wondered how much time you’ve spent in your therapy dealing directly with your anger—maybe you’ve spent a lot, I’m not sure. I see you mention sometimes that you felt angry at your therapist, but I don’t think I’ve seen much where you talk about really diving into that with your therapist. It took me a while to get there. (When I first came into therapy, I told my therapist that I don’t get angry. Everyone gets angry, she tells me. Well, I don’t, I shrug. It took me quite a while to be able to identify when I was feeling anger, and that I had a whole lot of rage stuffed deep down!) But I have been talking about it / letting it out more in therapy over the past year, and it’s some of the most effective work I’ve done when it comes to abandonment / attachment issues. More so than dealing with the pain, emptiness, sadness, etc of abandonment.

Wishing you happiness and healing.

I don't get where you think Rainbow is writing for drama or book, i have lurked here for years and read Rainbows journey. This site is suppose to be supportive all i read from this post mouse is judgement from you. My post will probably be removed but i cant help it when i feel Rainbow is being attacked like this.

The interesting thing for me as I struggle to practice radical acceptance of myself is...My T says change becomes possible WHEN we radically accept ourselves.

My partner and my T accepts me as I am (they convey it often when I ask) and ironically, that helps me grow.

You're doing your best, and I hope you can be self compassionate with yourself

I appreciate your reply, QuietMind. I remember from DBT also, that radical acceptance is necessary before change. I am going to try to do that! It messes me up too much to be criticized about my relationship with my T. She's not complaining so I'm going to try to accept where I am like she does. I don't think it's ironic! Accepting ourselves as we are and having others accept us is therapeutic. Thanks for understanding. I wish you well too.