No, wait.... correction-- therapy with him hurts too much.

I am having a really hard time with the separation from him between sessions. I literally feel like I need him every second.

I spoke with him on the phone on Monday evening when I was feeling horrid from the Lithium and depression. The phone call made everything worse. As the end of the conversation neared, I started to get very anxious and sad. I can't handle the phone calls and I can't handle not having the phone calls. I want him to stay on the phone with me forever. I want him to call me back the next day to find out how I am feeling.

I have been writing nightly "letters" to him to really capture how I have been feeling in the moment. I want to bring them with me and read parts of them. I wrote how this week I could honestly say I wish I never started therapy with him....that's how much it hurts.

In the last two or three sessions, I have felt so far away from him. I feel so far away in between sessions.

Sometimes I feel as though he's right alongside of me for whatever I go through.... but lately I have been feeling alone and detached from him. But then again I have been feeling detached from myself.... it is very evident that it is not coming from anything he did or didn't do... it's just where I am right now.

I don't know how to feel close to him. I have shared so much with him the past couple of weeks-- how can I feel that we are so far away from one another?

My session is on Saturday. I have always loved Saturday sessions.

(((((((pinksoil)))))))

if you have shared so much recently.. could your feelings be a buffer that you've created, but that isn't representative of reality? If you are sharing then you are feeling close... but you tell yourself that you are not... or am i mistaken? (i often am)

i write my T letters almost every single week.. sometimes i share and sometimes not. i find it helpful either way. i too am worried about needing... i do 2xweek now, but i am finding the in between time has gotten worse, not better.

does this process really help in the end? is there an end?

[tulips30]

pinksoil.....it's sooo hard to know whether the feelings you describe are what we are "supposed" to feel. I have feelings just like the ones you describe and I'm not sure what to do w/them. I like Sat. sessions too. Mine are on Monday. I like this cause it gets me thru the weekend lots of times. I wish there was a "book" with a list that said "this column is for normal therapy feelings. This list is for abnormal". I am ALWAYS trying to define things as "normal" or "abnormal". Yikes! Could this be normal? LOL...

The thing is, I think he feels the connection... but I don't. Like last week I was going through all that little kid stuff in session... and then he said that he was right there with me, connected and all that... and I told him that I felt like I was going through it by myself... not because he wasn't experiencing it with me... because he definitely was... but because sometimes in session I get completely locked up within myself... and I want to be able to feel like I'm letting him in... like I am acknowledging that he is experiencing something with me, not just next to me... I see him right there, all empathetic... but for some reason I perceive him as experiencing all this stuff in a way that is parallel to me, rather than with me in an interconnected-type of way. I think it is just so hard for me to feel truly connected to someone. I am so used to feeling different from others, feeling removed.

[Perna]

I'm glad you have a Saturday session since you love them. I liked them too, easier to pretend one is going for brunch or other such outing with a good friend :-)

Hope you get that sense of connection back and a bit of "balancing" or stabilizing influence. The only trouble with a really good/nice session is the letdown afterwards, having to go back to "regular" life until the next session.

[Milkyway]

((((Pinksoil))))

Hope on saturday session you will feel the connection..& every session's different so I bet you will...

[MissCharlotte]

((Pinksoil))

Can you think of the last time you felt really really connected to him? What was the session like? What were you two talking about? Can you recreate that climate somehow? Can you "stage" the environment on SAturday? Does he need to wear his weird shirt? His T-shirt?

Seriously, though, I really get that "parallel" feeling. T and I had a discussion once about this feeling of being in a parallel universe. (like in the old Superman comics)

It can be very distressing--like window shopping with no money!

I hope you connect on Saturday and you and T are on the same plane, speaking the same language.

Peace

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sister said:
((Pinksoil))

Can you think of the last time you felt really really connected to him? What was the session like? What were you two talking about? Can you recreate that climate somehow? Can you "stage" the environment on SAturday? Does he need to wear his weird shirt? His T-shirt?

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The most connected I ever felt to him was in the couch-session. To this day, I maintain that it was more traumatic for him than it was for me. He pretty much agrees. But anyway, the connectedness came after I got up from the couch and sat on the chair again. I felt so safe, so taken care of. Like he was holding me. I told him this a couple of weeks ago. He said, "We calmed each other down."

Do I go back on the couch?

I don't know. Things are complicated.