Couch 161: The Hexagonal Pyramidal Couch

Blondie is one of the Nancy Kerrigans of the world.

i know this sounds stupid but i worked a scrapbooking thing this weekend and i only had a five min stretch of feeling like i am completely horrible and hated . i some how was able to convince myself it didnt matter and i was not going to let that bother me . it worked and the whole weekend, even though i was working ,i had a great time . it just felt good

Oh granite I am so glad that you felt good and had a great time! I hope you can keep that feeling with you in your heart and be able to call it up other times when you need it!

You're Team Harding?

Why am I not surprised?

my h is finally starting to get it, i think. finally. this intolerable gas problem he gets in his stomach. i've told him forever he shouldn't drink so much soda. awhile back he started drinking more water and less soda and it got quite a bit better. so much so that he wanted to cut down his meds for it but dr didn't recommend it. anyway today he's more miserable than he's been in a long time and he just made the connection - last night he had 2 long-distance jobs and he said he drank 6 sodas.... i'm like well dear! i believe he is now convinced.

I felt good about what he wrote. The e-mail from Friday helped me get through the evening, and I've read it a few times since. The e-mail he sent before that, a few weeks ago, I've probably read about 20 times. I'm taking to heart the things he says, his faith that I can deal with these things and get through them--and also that he'll help me get there.

I didn't see it as a test...the session with MC happened on a Friday afternoon, and I was upset and asked T if he'd possibly be able to talk (or had a cancellation). I'd have done exactly the same on any other day. When he said he couldn't talk, but an e-mail would be OK, I said I might do that, then verified via text that it was OK if I sent him something that night. He responded, "Of course." So I don't think this was a case of testing him or trying to push boundaries. I don't think it was "Does he care enough about me to respond on a Friday afternoon?" It was...I'm hurting, so I reached out to my T. Within his boundaries. He could have very easily said, "I'm going out of town and can't do calls or e-mail till Monday." I would have accepted that. He offered me something, and I took him up on that. I don't see that as being a bad thing.

Well...(also, I did see the thing you posted a day or two to me on the couch that was pretty critical--thanks for deleting it.)

Oh, like you’re not?

Thanks for all the support on here. I know so much of this is stuff from my past. I think sometimes it's like I want validation on here. Like I don't trust myself in believing that T cares. Or that he's not going to want to bail because he doesn't want to deal with me. So I think I post e-mails in the hopes that people will be like, "Obviously he cares!" Because it's so hard to trust myself...which, obviously, is something I need to bring up with him.

What would Brian Boitano do?

It's good you caught it early. Mine wasn't diagnosed until after it spread to my eye, some ten days into it, so the antiviral was useless. I am now 3 months into eye treatment. Hang in there.

(((LT))) Why do you argue with me? Dont you know youre never going to change my mind? I mean that literally! Not meanly, really!

I will always see your weekend emails as a test, no matter what you say. I wasnt ASKING you if they were a test, i was TELLING you i saw them as a test.

And I dont mean it "critically". Its like scratching an itch. The outside contact has become your OCD equivalent of like constantly washing hands.

I think MC got caught up in it without realizing it. Now maybe T is too. I dont think paying for the extra contact is exactly ethical if he is not an OCD expert. Im not sure he realizes how much he says is not getting thru to you.

Cuz you are not paying attention to the content of ts emails. Thats what my whole post was about, and you completely ignored that aspect. But you wrote a novella denying the testing aspect.

I would really see about OCD meds. They helped me, and yes i realize thats not saying much, but i was way worse before!

I think this is why nobody commented, when you asked, why did nobody comment. I was digesting what your t wrote, and assumed you were too. But i dont think you were. You havent shown us if you did.

I got these cookies that are like puff pastry with cinnamon and that is all - these things are delicious.

I saw Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri just so I could experience a woman's anger, which I knew Frances McDormand could deliver in, all its richness and complexity. It was hard to watch, but satisfying to see a woman sustain a deep unapologeltic rage throughout a whole story arc.

But when i do it, everybody yells at me!

mmmmmmmm

[QUOTE=unaluna;5987939](((LT))) Why do you argue with me? Dont you know youre never going to change my mind? I mean that literally! Not meanly, really![/quote}

I don't know--perhaps that's a topic for therapy, why do I engage with Una?

OK, see them as you want.

Well, I do have OCD, so...and I am a frequent hand washer.

I don't see T being caught up in it. He knew this session might be hard for me. He gave me support, within his boundaries. I don't see how that's at all unethical. It might be different if he said he couldn't talk, then I called him, and he talked to me. But I didn't, and he didn't. I'm also not clear on why you say that what he's saying isn't getting through to me when I say it's helping...He's saying things like to have faith that I can get through this, and I'm trying to do that.

OK, example: I had a professional meeting today, like a 4-hour retreat for a nonprofit organization for which I'm secretary. I wasn't feeling well this morning (like, physically--GI issues) and contemplated not going. But I went anyway. Partway through, I started having a bad panic attack, like my pulse (via Fitbit) was 132 when I was just sitting there. I went to the bathroom to get myself together. I thought about telling the leader of the meeting that I wasn't feeling well and was going to go home. But I didn't--I stayed and got through it. I think that's in line with what T has told me. To trust in my ability to handle things.

How did I ignore that??? I said how the content helped me get through. How I'd read his other e-mail many times to give me support. I don't get what you're saying about not paying attention to the content. What do you mean? Like seriously, I don't understand...

Ex-T said the only med that really helps with OCD (beyond the various SSRIs and SNRIs I've tried--the SNRIs seriously messed me up mentally...) is one of the old tricyclic antidepressants (I forget which one). But I know it has lots of side effects. I'm EXTREMELY sensitive to meds--both psych and otherwise. I often have to take what's considered a subtherapeutic dose (thankfully, my current p-doc understands that and has other clients who are the same way). So I get scared about trying new ones (I've tried approximately a dozen different meds--maybe more--over the years.)

I still don't get why you didn't think I was digesting it. I read it, it helped me, it made me think about things a bit differently. I felt supported. I'm not sure what digesting exactly I'm supposed to do???

It's definitely now going on my list of must-watch movies.

You are probably not looking for an answer to this, but I'm going to offer one, which is that people sometimes get upset with your posts when you impose your personal life/therapy lessons on other people who are trying to find their own way, which is often different than your way and just as valid. It's like you don't actually see that what is true for you is not necessarily true for other people. It's like reformed smokers who lecture everyone else about smoking, even if they don't smoke. It took me a long time to see that you don't mean to attack. You're so happy with your own therapy, you want it for others, even if it doesn't apply and is assaultive in its happiness.

And for some unknown reason, I have the Edelweiss song from sound of music stuck in my head

This is a valid point of view, but not the only one. I feel you may be pushing too hard.

there are worse songs to have stuck in your head, then again i have been known to sing many of the songs from that movie out loud for no reason at all haha

Thanks, CE...

I'm not sure I see testing as a completely bad thing anyway. I've "tested" my T like a million times by reaching out to her (within her boundaries, in agreed upon ways, yada yada). She always passes. Maybe not always with flying colors (why must I wait so long sometimes?!), but she always passes. It's pretty destabilizing to my inner belief system about myself and the world that she keeps freaking responding to me. She isn't supposed to care and she does! What the heck is that about?!

I also think it's fine for you to ask for whatever validation you want here, LT. Eventually you probably won't need it, but it seems like needless effort to force yourself not to seek it. I used to desperately need my T to see things the way I do. Lately I've been noticing that I don't care as much if she agrees with me. Sometimes I even think I'm right and she's wrong. That's how confident I am becoming in my point of view. Therapy, man. It's weird stuff.

Aw, maaan. Why did I read that?

On the up side, it will annoy the bejeebers out of my boys as I unconsciously whistle Edelweiss nearly-but-not-quite-inaudibly under my breath all evening.

I think if you only want a specific sort of feedback on what you post - tell people exactly what you want. IF you only want people to say X or Y - then say so and that way people know. I don't really know what kind of feedback is appropriate or wanted when one posts emails back and forth. I admit I don't understand what use it would be. Wasn't this sort of thing also part of mc therapy - you had specific ways you wanted him to respond and when he didn't - you got all wound up about it.
I am not saying don't do it - just that I don't automatically understand it. And others might not either.