Couch 161: The Hexagonal Pyramidal Couch

'Ello Couch What have I missed?

But yeah, it's like MC has me in this particular role in his mind. The adoring patient who is dependent on him and idealizes him and also cares about him, who takes his word as gospel. He knows how to act toward that person. And that person poses no threat to him. He has no need to examine himself--he can put it all on me--stuff from my past, my parents, etc. But now I'm standing up to him and questioning things and being critical--he's threatened in a way. And he doesn't know how to act toward me now..

It was about the way adolescence affects a father/ daughter relationship sometimes for myriad reasons. I wonder if MC did foster some growth for you within his own paradigm and role of caring parent, and then you simply , inevitable, and naturally outgrew him in that role?

Even if it is romantic love, isn't it part of his job to deal with it? He seems to be really hung up on the nature of your love for him. He should deal with his own feelings on his own time and treat whatever love you feel for him as the transference that it is. I'm sorry you have all this turmoil to deal with. I'm glad you have T to help you through this.

This reminds me of an article I was assigned to read as part of a professional development day. It was about the way adolescence affects a father/ daughter relationship sometimes for myriad reasons. I wonder if MC did foster some growth for you within his own paradigm and role of caring parent, and then you simply , inevitable, and naturally outgrew him in that role? The problem is there isn't an easy way to recast him in a symbolic role as parent of an older younger you( if you know what I mean) because he is MC instead of a personal T.

I think this happens a lot and explains much of the mutual frustration of therapy.

Your willingness to tell MC how you felt about him amazes me. I'm a complete coward when it comes to sharing with my therapist how I feel about him. The most I've shared in 1.5 years is that I was rather fond of him (in an email) and that I'd miss him over his vacation (in person). After I posted on here a week or so ago that I felt love for him, I thought about sharing that with him, mainly because I wanted to get his take on what una said about it being transference after him reprimanding me. But I just couldn't gather enough courage to show him my post. I don't know how he'd take it. If he took it and reacted like MC did, I would be devastated. I think he's a little more self-aware than MC is, but I'm still scared to do it.

LT, your h sounds like my brother. No matter what kind of crisis is going on around, he's on his phone, checking scores or playing fantasy whatevers. I think it's how he deals with stress, so maybe that's the case with your h as well. He's way more supportive than anyone I know would be in a similar situation, which amounts to a kind of emotional love affair happening in front of him. The safety net is that it's with your marriage counselor, but it has always come across as romantic to me (I think I even asked you once if you were in love with him and you said you were expecting someone to ask that). It's not wrong or bad, but it's hard to fix a car by working on a bicycle just because a bicycle feels safer. Think about whenever someone has been attracted to you, like over the top attracted...you know it whether they admit it or not. People around you notice it.

To answer your question about your mc feeling the same way, I only have your reports to go on, and I would say there hasn't been anything to suggest that, especially with the illness and then death of his wife. You're kind of flirty, so that will color a lot of how you see your interactions, I'm guessing.

So yes...your mc has handled things wrong for you, and it created more anxiety and need for reassurance. I guess the main thing now isn't so much what kind of insight or internal work he is going to do, but what kind of insights into yourself has this brought about? Because that's really all you have control over.

This is the hard work, really (at least, it is for me whenever I've had therapy explode), to step back and say, What's going on with me and what can I do differently? Because even though your therapist is holding the boundaries you find helpful, it's just not a long term winning strategy to ask that other people do things to keep us from ourselves. At some point, we go, okay, I can limit myself, or I don't need someone to do or say X to make me feel better. This is sounding preachy and I don't mean it to be. It's more about what I've learned for myself over time. I hope you know that I get how painful this has been, and I don't mean to diminish it. At some point, though, there's going to be a path forward that you set for yourself. And you'll be glad to never go through this again.

I wish your T gave you out of session contact, too, BCM.

He says its not good for me, i don't know when to stop.

What is wrong with me that I'm even thinking about my job right now?

Pondering a few things egarding last night's phone call with MC--one about H and two about MC. The phone call was with both H and me, using my cell's speakerphone.

H question first: H was playing a video game on his computer during the whole call. Would this bother anyone else? I know he probably figured it was just between me and MC (MC had suggested all 3 of us be on call), but I'd also talked to H like a half hour beforehand and asked him to chime in on occasion, especially regarding something he'd said in our conversation about MC last week--how he was thinking during Friday's session that he wished MC had shown more humanity toward me instead of just being in therapist mode. I still had to basically whisper to him what I wanted him to say during the call. Yeah, it went much longer than we'd expected it to, but he was playing the video game from the very start.

MC question 1: The topic of the "love" e-mail from December came up. MC insisted during the call that, even though I'd sent an e-mail afterward clarifying that it was platonic, he still thought it was romantic love. And he also said he thought the same after the phone call from December, when I'd reiterated that it was platonic. So essentially, our marriage counselor, on a call with both me and H, was insisting that what I'd expressed to him was romantic love--and that it was a big part of why he'd wanted to pull back on contact. Is that...appropriate? I mean, it's one thing if I'm sitting in session with my individual T and he's pressing the topic. But for our marriage counselor to press it, basically like, "I know you feel romantic love for me"--that's weird, right?

MC question 2: MC told me that some stuff I'd said in past month or so had hurt him (like my being critical of things he's done). And that he'd felt frustrated with me on multiple occasions recently. I said I thought that therapists were just supposed to deal with feelings like that on their own rather than sharing them with clients. MC seemed to disagree (he has said in the past that I shouldn't worry about his feelings...). Should therapists be sharing feelings like that with their clients? Also consider that in this case...it's my marriage counselor...

Just trying to parse some stuff from the call--basically having a mix of "MC still cares about me" and "MC was kind of being a jerk" and "Much of this is coming from countertransference stuff, MC's issues, not so much me or something I did." Which...actually probably is a good balance to have...

Maybe a flat refusal is kinder in the long run and leads to better growth?

Starting to realise: when T says no, it gives you an opportunity to explore why you wanted it and what other ways there might be to get your needs met. Which won't happen if T says yes.

Artie - do you need to take the time as Family Leave? I dont know anything about this. Plus, please dont worry too much about the mandatory OT - remember, you already cleared the backlog in your section so much that you guys were helping out another section!

True. And i talked to one of my teammates and she said they've said our overtime is done anyway. It's that "good little girl" thing that because he's no longer in danger (apparently sepsis is not something you mess around with) I feel like I should run right back to work. Even though I haven't slept much since this started and am getting a bit run down. I need to take better care of myself too.

I just called my mom again and cried on her telephonic shoulder for a good half hour. she's really being helpful. and she said she wants to send us some money to help pay for the hospital bill because she still has money leftover from selling her house/land, that she's already given some of to my other siblings for other things. i can't believe she's the same mother i grew up with. i felt so much love coming from her just now on the phone i've never felt from her before and i don't quite know what to think. I've been holding it together so well at the hospital and with my son and when I talk to her and she's so helpful i just lose it and start bawling.

True. And i talked to one of my teammates and she said they've said our overtime is done anyway. It's that "good little girl" thing that because he's no longer in danger (apparently sepsis is not something you mess around with) I feel like I should run right back to work. Even though I haven't slept much since this started and am getting a bit run down. I need to take better care of myself too.

I just called my mom again and cried on her telephonic shoulder for a good half hour. she's really being helpful. and she said she wants to send us some money to help pay for the hospital bill because she still has money leftover from selling her house/land, that she's already given some of to my other siblings for other things. i can't believe she's the same mother i grew up with. i felt so much love coming from her just now on the phone i've never felt from her before and i don't quite know what to think. I've been holding it together so well at the hospital and with my son and when I talk to her and she's so helpful i just lose it and start bawling.