One issue too many?

Hi all
I've been working with my T for more than two years now. She saw me through an escape from a toxic work situation, the ending of several lackluster and draining friendships, a refocusing on my health and weight issues and all kinds of spiritual growth. I felt safe and supported through it all. I am the kind of person who challenges myself to change and I've made so much progress that in some ways I don't recognize myself...in a good way!

But this week, things with T took a turn for the worse. I've wanted to work on my relationship status. I'm single and wanting to find a boyfriend. I had been doing some online stuff, then quit that over lots of dead ends and disappointments. It wasn't really a huge deal until a man wrote me a note at my work email saying he had seen my profile on the online platform. It was kind of a strange little note, somewhat opaque and I brought it up to my T. Kind of as an example of the general exasperated feeling I'm having about meeting men, dating, the world of online possibility but also the chances for misunderstanding and a sort of inorganic, disembodied hurt.

At this point, T launches into what she calls the Devil's Advocate. She explained how terrifying it must be to be a straight white guy in today's world, climate for dating etc. I was kind of flabbergasted as she continued to stress how women's anger might be causing this guy who emailed me to feel. I told her that I wasn't there for a session to engage around some other person's feelings that I had no connection with and how I was not in therapy to deal with the confusion and terror of white men at this political moment. At this point the discussion went completely haywire, ending with my long time therapist declaring that "with an attitude like yours, how are you going to be open to finding a relationship anyway?"

I'm completely blown away. I ended the appointment being angry and confused. My T suggested that we could decide to end the work together... another big surprise...or to have further discussion. I basically stumbled out the door, returned to my job and had a surreal afternoon.

I can't believe I'm at this point after two years of life changing progress.
Thoughts?

I'm not a big fan of therapy, but it sounds like this therapist has helped you make some changes for the better and maybe she is trying something to help you, in a different way, with a different kind of problem. You wrote:

There is nothing you can do about the guys who are out there. There IS maybe something that you can do about, I don't know. . . interacting with them. I think that's what she was trying to alert you to. Seems not to have worked very well, maybe it was too "shocking". But, still, maybe something to consider -- is there anything that YOU can do, which is all you have any control of, to help yourself find and make the life that you have said that you want?

I think without knowing what the guy emailed to you. It's hard to make a comment.

I dunno- is it possible she had a lot of emotions and reaction to that aziz ansari stuff that came out last weekend? It sounds like she had a lot of stuff going on in her brain, and misdirected it at you.

I would feel really violated if someone wrote me at work to announce he had seen me on a dating site. That sounds really invasive.

I think I would have a very difficult time hearing how tough it is for white guys who are dating right now. I am not too empathetic that way. I also have difficulty "allowing" people to disagree with me, and working on that for the past number of years has been really helpful to my relationships and myself. There is a thing where you can listen to what people have to say and if it's not helpful to you, let go of it and move on. Prolonged arguing or position taking or shaking heads about how they could possibly think that. People see things differently and have different ideas about them. So what? Doesn't mean you can't have a marvelous time together. If I eliminated everyone from my life who had major disagreements with me, I'd have no one.

I might understand about feeling like not going back to T. A few years ago, I walked out of a session after 20 minutes, not angry so much as feeling like "you don't understand and you can't help me." I thought I might not go back. But I did, and I'm glad I did, as I've come some distance since then.

I'm a few years past the death of my spouse and I'm still not close to being open to dating. I was married a long time and this whole online dating thing is just not something I'm into. The last time I was dating, people had to call each other on landline phones. So I think you're really brave to be willing to date-- in fact, I think being willing to risk another relationship after whatever kind of relationship loss you've suffered, incredibly courageous.

I do think a PP is onto something by pointing out that you can't do anything about the pool of potential dates, but you can control how you interact with them. I would like to be empathic about what the recent political events have done to how men feel about dating, I would like to understand their sense of vulnerability and not scoff at it or be sarcastic about so sad for you and all that or lecture about male privilege and the shine's off on the patriarchy. I'm not there yet, but I think in general that learning to understand how other people can see things very differently and being okay with that is good for being a partner or a friend. Unless you're into that whole mind-meld thing.

I told my T that I'm not coming into therapy for others feelings as much as for my own. I am really sorry it all went this way, it seems like a departure from how therapy has been I don't need T to agree with me but I do need her to be focused on helping rather than blaming, T sounds like she made some blame statements. I wish yo7 luck.

From what you described I would be really taken aback too. Ending your work together because you had a rupture? That doesn't seem right. I can almost understand talking about the distorted thought process of others and how they might affect you and how to deal with that (although coworker emailing you about finding you on a dating site = creepy). But if that's what she was going for, it sounds like she missed the mark.

Personally, for me, I would go back to my T and explain what was going on in my head during the session and see if we could come to an understanding giving her the benefit of the doubt that she was having a wierd day.

Yes! There are some things I'd like to try...but I couldn't get a word in edgewise in Ts discussion of how hard it is for men right now. And then it was about my attitude. When I tried bringing it back to dating, all she would address was the fact that she didn't do online dating! It just went downhill from there. Thanks for taking the time to write.

[QUOTE=Mouse_62;5984761]I think without knowing what the guy emailed to you. It's hard to make a comment.[/QUOTE
It went like this:
I didn't know you were on match but I saw your profile.

This helps me so much. I feel like you heard me

I would feel so pissed if someone tried to tell me how hard white men have it right now, and particularly a therapist that I liked. Besides my belief that it's about time they lost some of their power and privilege, what she is saying is kind of stereotyping them in a bad way. I know at least three white men...my husband and two friends who are not frightened or confused at all about how they should approach women. They should approach them the same way they always have, with respect and with the understanding that if the woman says "no" it means "no."

It really sounds like something in that letter or something about the topic triggered something in her. If so she needs to handle it. I'd be hesitant to give up a therapist because of one mistake on her part (which I believe this was) simply because finding good ones is hard. But I'm not sure I'd let it drop either. I'd have to talk to her more about it. I hope she is able to listen.

[QUOTE=mcl6136;5984868]Yeah don't think I understood your first post properly. Thsts way Creepy. I can see why you'd be upset. Yikes.

My questions would be: so do you know this guy at work? Like have you seen him around? Is he at your employment level? Does that matter to you?

Instead, you seem to have put up this big vague wall that somehow he tried to contact you in this imperfect way, and so must be banished to the netherworld.

Is the door open or is it closed? I think thats what your t is saying to you. Only instead of saying that you in particular are being extremely closed off and picky - i mean, really, all the guy did was basically say hey - your t is saying youre being a feminazi, biting this guys head off at the same time that youre swearing you want a boyfriend. I would be frustrated too. You cant have your cake and bite its head off too?

What choice does this guy have? Hes letting you know you work at the same place. If he told you thru the app, then what would you accuse him of? Guy cant win for losing. He only had two choices. He picked one. So shoot him. Sheesh.

Btw, welcome back, nice to see you again!

Ranting at you about a social or political issue of which she feels strongly was very unprofessional. It doesn't matter what he position was. She needs to apologize to your for going off the rails.

Ranting at you about a social or political issue of which she feels strongly was very unprofessional. It doesn't matter what her position was. She needs to apologize to you for going off the rails.

Whew! Your answer -- and those from everyone else who took the time to answer too -- is really helping me!

Can I hire you all as my therapist? You could share billing somehow and I am on time for appointments! Let's work something out...LOL!

This is exactly what I'm grappling with...a bunch of blame and the shock that someone I had been so simpatico with had shifted into a very different role as "devil's advocate," which I'm not really sure what that means. Thank you for you kind reply. It comes with zero judgment, which I need right now.

Like the other replies, this is so helpful and I read it last night and the wheels started turning. I do think there are things that I can do to help myself and possibly find the life that I want. The first one is to confirm a decision that I had already made -- which was not to proceed with e-dating. There are some other more In Real Life things that I am going to be trying. I really value the input I've gotten here. I don't know what I'm going to do about the therapy relationship going forward, however. And that is really painful today.

Thank you in a big way.

The guy is not someone I know beyond knowing his name. He sent me an email at my work address but he does NOT work with me, he merely KNEW where I work and contacted me here.

Also, I never bit his head off and don't intend to do so. Nor did I banish him in any way! I simply used the example, with my therapist, of the email at my place of employment as a downside of the e-dating world. I was using this to describe why e-dating is probably not the way forward for me. In the therapy space, my comment triggered a strange "it's-tough-out-there-for men" lecture and a "you're not open" judgment from my therapist, and I found it very jarring.

I don't think it's accurate to conclude that I'm a feminazi (why the name-calling, anyway) or that anyone is getting "shot." Sheesh right back at you. Your reply is full of invective and undeserved put-downs.

Im sorry, i know my post sounded like a drunken rant, but i didnt mean it to be hostile.

I appreciate that...and have always loved your biting insight. I just had too many holes in my arm already. I hope you are doing well!!

I would not pay someone to make me see the point of view of how hard white men have it these days.

ugh, agree. that is ridiculous she took that turn and doesn't even make much sense in this context.