[maybeblue]

I’m trying to decide if I should tell my therapist something really personal about myself--specifically about my sexuality. I’m not ashamed about it, nor do I wish to change (if that change were even possible). But it is a bit unusual, and I live in a rural area and so I keep this very private. It doesn’t really have anything to do with the problem I am going to therapy for. But I’ve had to talk around it a little bit...lie about relationships for example.

What I worry about of course is that he will reject me. He is religious. I am not. He’s never tried to push his religion on me, and in fact promised me that he wouldn’t. But I worry that he will think that I am sinful or that this is a disorder. And I don’t want to spend a lot of time discussing something I have no intention of changing. But on the other hand, it feels like a big secret. And it might help him understand me a little bit better.

I guess I’m curious what other people think. Would you tell him? And if so how would you bring up the topic?

[CANDC]

Hi maybeblue. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry to hear you have mixed feelings about sharing stuff that your therapist may find difficult to remain non judgmental.

These articles may be of interest
https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-com...our-therapist/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/obser...ent-therapist/

[ruh roh]

Could you ask him if there is anything you or any client could share that he would judge negatively? That way, you can get a sense for how he receives sensitive information.

[fille_folle]

Tbh, I'm not sure I'd tell him. I'd probably at least stalk his Facebook first to see if he's not only religious, but also conservative. From what I can tell, one can be either but not both to be accepting of different sexualities.

[RaineD]

I think it depends on how attached you are to him. Will you be devastated if he responds poorly? Also, do you have other options--other therapists you can see--if he responds poorly? You mentioned you live in a rural area so I'm wondering how many therapists there are...

I really think you deserve a therapist who accepts your sexuality. So if you're not too attached, I'd say it's better to find out sooner rather than later. But if you're very attached and would be devastated if he responds poorly, or if there aren't other therapists you could see in your area, then maybe proceed with caution as some others have suggested.

Just remember, if he responds poorly, thinks it's a sin or a disorder, it's his problem, not yours. He should find a time machine if he insists on living in the 1950s.

[maybeblue]

Thank you. I wouldn't say I'm super attached to him--yet at least. He does seem to be competent and I like him fine.

I can't really tell without asking him if my fear of him judging me is my fear based on feeling judged by other religious people or if it is really a possibility. I'm leaning toward it being my problem not his. He never brought up the religion thing. I brought it up based on something on his website (he does Christian counseling too.) He really doesn't seem to be a Roy Moore kind of Christian.

It would be hard to find someone else around here...particularly someone who has a lot of experience with eating disorders, which is what I went in for. I don't think he has facebook or it's set to super private. I did a general google search on him before the first session...mostly to see if there were any red flags. There weren't. But I feel weird doing much other digging. Plus one of my problems is dealing with things directly, so I would feel better about myself if I did that.

At this point I would survive without him. So it might be worth the risk.

I personally never thought it necessary to tell everything, every little quirk and secret about myself, to a therapist. I did when I thought they were related to the issues I wanted to bring to therapy, or when I just felt motivated to share it. At the same time, I did not tend to feel afraid of the T judging me for anything, I actually would have been very surprised if they did, especially for something related to sexuality. On the negative side, I typically kept relevant info from them when I did not want to deal with the issue and wanted to avoid them getting into it and influencing me. But I did not feel too attached to them either and I think RaineD has a good point considering that aspect. In terms of living in a small rural community - I think I definitely would be cautious about what I let them know, not out of fear of judgment by the T or others but because I would not want to have some personal issues to be mixed into my professional image. So my view is that, if it is not crucial to addressing your primary issues in therapy, it is probably worth thinking carefully about potential impact on whatever you do in your community and endeavors.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

Thank you. I wouldn't say I'm super attached to him--yet at least. He does seem to be competent and I like him fine.

I can't really tell without asking him if my fear of him judging me is my fear based on feeling judged by other religious people or if it is really a possibility. I'm leaning toward it being my problem not his. He never brought up the religion thing. I brought it up based on something on his website (he does Christian counseling too.) He really doesn't seem to be a Roy Moore kind of Christian.

It would be hard to find someone else around here...particularly someone who has a lot of experience with eating disorders, which is what I went in for. I don't think he has facebook or it's set to super private. I did a general google search on him before the first session...mostly to see if there were any red flags. There weren't. But I feel weird doing much other digging. Plus one of my problems is dealing with things directly, so I would feel better about myself if I did that.

At this point I would survive without him. So it might be worth the risk.

maybeblue
the other thing that may be an issue is you said you live in a rural area. Maybe they are the only therapist your insurance would cover with not a super long commute. If so the risk may outweigh the possible reward. Maybe you need to write down (if privacy from others discovering it not a problem) what you think you might gain from telling someone else and then also what you might lose if that person you trust (this therapist) rejects you, possibly violates your trust, if you participated in a crime or illegal activity, report you to the police. Therapist confidentiality does not preclude them from reporting criminal activity or harmful behavior.

Another option might be to find an online support group for your sexual issue and get support that way from people of like mind using an anonymous account.

For me trusting someone takes time and if they are the only therapy option maybe that risk is too much. They are only human. Depends on them and how much the sexual issue triggers them.

If I were going to test the water I would tell them about a cousin that lives a 1000 miles away that has the issue (the one you know you suffer from) and I am not sure how to deal with them. This way you only risk a bad session that they may be triggered. But if this therapist is smart they may figure out what you are doing so be careful.

Here are other threads that struggle with the same issues
https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...verything.html

https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...therapist.html

https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-fo...erapist/?all=1

Frankly, if his religion impacts his ability to be a therapist or doctor he is in the wrong profession and he may be breaking the law. Many areas frown upon this (ie. a pharmacist is not allowed to deny a morning after pill regardless of his/her religion).

I have recently been arguing with others over the question of how much to tell. I am a hardliner when it comes to this believing pretty strongly that you tell everything. In my opinion it serves you no purpose to keep things silent from your mentalhealthcare worker. The goal is to get healthier and that isn't going to happen without honesty.

[stopdog]

I urge caution in telling one of those guys anything. I would not rush anything and I would wait until I felt comfortable telling them any specific thing. Rushing things with a therapist is not, in my opinion, a good thing to do. Some things take time. I do not believe in telling therapists everything. If you want to do so and feel it is reasonably safe, then sure, go ahead. But to do so without some feeling of trust and safety is not a smart move from what I have seen.

[maybeblue]

Nothing I have done would necessitate mandatory reporting. I am sure of that. I'm also nearly positive he would follow confidentiality rules. I think I'm reasonably safe that he wouldn't judge me. He didn't reject me when I pretty much told him that I thought Christianity had screwed me up in some ways. He even sort of agreed, although he didn't use the words "screwed up."

I'm thinking about telling because I feel like he's missing context. For instance, I might talk about "Janet," and say that she is a "friend," but she is way more than a friend. It gets weird and awkward.

[Moment]

Hey there,

People go to therapy for different reasons, and like different types of therapy....so, for example, if you had someone who was doing cognitive behavioral therapy who assigned worksheets and homework, maybe it wouldn't matter so much.

Personally, I wanted much deeper, insight-oriented therapy that related to my relationships with other people. I could not have engaged in that with someone if I worried they would judge me for something so basic as my sexuality. Change requires taking emotional risks, and I would not be able to take risks with someone I did not trust.

Maybe it's worth taking this risk. Or, you could say, "I'm worried about talking to you about something because I worry you will judge and reject me. I even worry that this space is not 100% safe in terms of confidentiality." And see what he says.

Honestly, though, if he is a decent therapist with a good bit of experience, and you are talking to him about "a friend" who is really more than a friend and you feel weird and awkward, he may already have guessed your secret.

[MoxieDoxie]

If he is an Evangelical Christine I would not tell him. They feel any stray from heterosexual is the devils work.

[maybeblue]

We have had more than one discussion about Christianity. He says that he is a Christian but that he doesn't believe that is the "only way." He also has had a lot of experience in secular counseling and even does hypnosis, which some Evangelicals are terrified of. He might secretly believe that I'm going to hell, but so far he's managed to not let that belief show.

I think that it's going to be harder for me to progress with this big secret, so I think I'm going to risk it. If he rejects me, better to know now. If he gossips (which I really don't think he will) I can always report him to the licensing board.

[kecanoe]

I doubt he will gossip. Most Ts are pretty good at keeping things to themselves. The rejection thing would be more scary for me. But it sounds like he has done ok with not judging you, so probably that will continue.

I would also be uncomfortable with feeling like I had to misrepresent relationships to T. I think I would take that risk also.

[maybeblue]

I told him today. It went really well. He didn't reject me or tell me I was going to hell. He admitted that he doesn't know a lot about it and didn't really understand it, but he wasn't freaked out. He told me that I could talk about it as much or as little as I wanted, and if it wasn't a problem for me, it wasn't a problem for him.

I'm quite relieved. I appreciate everyone's advice and support. This is a good place to be.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

I told him today. It went really well. He didn't reject me or tell me I was going to hell. He admitted that he doesn't know a lot about it and didn't really understand it, but he wasn't freaked out. He told me that I could talk about it as much or as little as I wanted, and if it wasn't a problem for me, it wasn't a problem for him.

I'm quite relieved. I appreciate everyone's advice and support. This is a good place to be.

Good for you, and for your T. You were both really honest and I believe this will make your therapeutic bond even stronger.

I'm glad that went well!