[sinking]

I've been having issues with my T for a good while and got worse during the last month... i kept thinking i wanted to quit but i never really believed i would have done it for real and i surely didnt expect it would have been this easy.... well, not easy but without feelings except for a deep hatred for myself, for hurting soneone who helped me the best she could...

I had another T before her and it had been so much harder to quit. I kind of wonder what made this big difference... its a bit like how i feel about my Home and my house... and as soon as i was back on the streets after the session i only felt like seeing my old T. I think i kind of protected myself from feeling too attached to this T.

I also think i quit out of anger and hopelessness. But also to show her i didnt accept some of the "unprofessional" things she did, although her unprofessionality also was at my advantage sometimes... and i wanted to show her i mean what i say and i had not been talking and telling her things i wouldnt have done, cause sometimes i felt like she didnt really believe me... kind of invalidated or not taken too seriously. Not sure why. I think neither she believed me at the beginning if the session when i said i wanted to quit. I kind of felt challenged to actually do it.

I was also sure she had kept saying we had a reason to continue therapy but she internally felt like i was right and why did she waste her time and energies with me... kind of saying it didnt really matter or it was pointless, when she seemed to believe me about my plans.

I think she cried though today and i felt such a monster, so bad... and so sorry she has known me. I keep doing and feeling the same things over and over, year after year and im so tired of myself.

Lately, i was also feeling as if therapy was just another duty and often just another worry or source if problems... so of course i though about quitting, but the way i did it and the way it happened has disturbed me. I felt worse by imagining her feelings than by feeling my owns.

Im glad i got to tell her all that i consider necessary for a goodbye, like: thank you, i'll miss you, im sorry, i love you, what we have done was important and i wouldnt be here without you, etc... i dont know what to think and what to feel now. It seems like something big happened but i havent been able to feel it or to feel it real... i dont know...

[mcl6136]

Maybe more feelings will come in time. It sounds like you did have a perspective and feelings while in session.

[sinking]

Thanks... yes, but the feelings seemed more thought than felt, and they were more out of empathy for her than my own...

While i was there in the waiting room, i had not decided what to do yet. I was a bit pissed she was 5mins late and there was another woman there, waiting for the other T in their shared apartament. But when my T finally came out to get me, this other woman asked her to talk and my T let her in ignoring me completely. In that moment i decided to quit.

What drove me from the start was the certainty that she too had understood it was better for both if i quitted and she didnt feel like seeing me anymore. It was never expressed out loud, but thats what i got from her actions. Its easy to lie with words, but harder by actions.

I also wanted to show her and prove to myself she had not changed me. A part of me doesnt like it, as i hate myself, but a part of me is proud of being the same because it proves i am and was right about myself being a monster and about life being horrible.

And to say it all... a part of me thinks I'll miss her bad, but a part of me is sure it was pointless to go on and i dont need therapy anymore. I couldnt imagine going back another time, like you cant repair a broken egg...

Do you think i did wrong?

[here today]

I think it's great that you can be open here on PC. There may have been some things that you could have done differently, looking at it in hindsight maybe, but not in the moment. And that's where it counts. And that therapist hadn't helped you "change" the way you respond to things, to something that works better for you. It also sounds like you didn't trust that therapist very much. And, with good reason, I think, if you were more concerned with her feelings than yours. She was concerned more with her own feelings, too, it seems like, from what you have written. Just my opinion about that, though.