[mcl6136]

Hi again
I wrote two weeks ago about the dreadful appointment when I brought up the obtuse email that I received from a guy...and my T sided with the guy who inappropriately contacted me at my work email in a kinda creepy way. Rather than support me or question the guy's action, T told me about how terrifying dating (and life in general) must be for white men these days. She said she was playing devil's advocate but it was really annoying and hurtful.

T also implied that I was to blame for my single status. I mean, if I wasn't interested in settling for Mr Mildly Creepy, then I could waste away, alone. You aren't open to this, so how do you expect to be in a relationship, she asked.

To say I was stressed doesn't come close to capturing it. I really benefitted from this forum.

Now I'm going back. T called me. I did see myself going back, at least to clarify but now I wonder if T is even capable of dealing with my issues of dating.

I am worried that she's going to make my single status proof of my failure as a human and I will feel worse than I did all week long. I feel like the damaging part was the fact that she blamed me for my lack of dating success because I had the nerve to question this one guys approach....

For the first time in along while...I feel fundamentally broken and it's because of...not in spite of...therapy.

Eek!

No real question here, just freaking out....alone.

[growlycat]

Not alone!

If I were in your pocket, I’d challenge your t....
“Why do you take the devils advocate position of a man you don’t know vs your client who you do know?”
“What in your own personal life makes you feel like you have to protect white men?”
“Where is your personal bias coming from? Something happen to one of your male family members?”
“Why are women expected to give a pass to some men’s creepy behavior and does that model good self care?”

Lemme at her!!!

[mcl6136]

Pocket reserved for YOU!
Damn those are some questions!!!!!

[SalingerEsme]

You're brave to go back and face the situation. Your T just crashed & burned in that session, and I hope she shows some self awareness.

My T never apologizes , and he was trained not too, but I hope yours does. Your boundaries separating work from personal life are sane and sensible.

Your T should read Gavin De Becker's The Gift Of Fear, about stalkers and men who push social norms etc little by little.

My T ( who has 2 kids) once told me (who lost a baby and got a divorce bc of fall out and has zero kids) that he thinks women biologically want children more than men do. After fake-calmly asking him if he was mirroring something I said or if that is his reAl opinion, I told him I didn't know if I could work on baby issues with someone so conventional.

It was just a really bad week/ communication day; we moved past it, and moved on. I didn't lose trust forever, but yet I recall it as not hour finest hour.

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

You're brave to go back and face the situation. Your T just crashed & burned in that session, and I hope she shows some self awareness.

My T never apologizes , and he was trained not too, but I hope yours does. Your boundaries separating work from personal life are sane and sensible.

Your T should read Gavin De Becker's The Gift Of Fear, about stalkers and men who push social norms etc little by little.

My T ( who has 2 kids) once told me (who lost a baby and got a divorce bc of fall out and has zero kids) that he thinks women biologically want children more than men do. After fake-calmly asking him if he was mirroring something I said or if that is his reAl opinion, I told him I didn't know if I could work on baby issues with someone so conventional.

It was just a really bad week/ communication day; we moved past it, and moved on. I didn't lose trust forever, but yet I recall it as not hour finest hour.

I once told my ex-T that I sometimes feel alienated from the rest of society because I have no desire to do 'normal' things like get married and have children. His response was "it's not too late, [Luc]"...

Which of course was basically proving my point in the most infuriating way.

Sorry OP, veering off your thread topic a bit there. I think your T handled that whole thing really badly, and I hope she has reflected on it and that you have a good session with her.

[mostlylurking]

Growlycat's excellent list of questions for your T has made me think of another list of questions -- the ones it sounds like your T didn't ask. Isn't non-judgmental curiosity supposed to be a T thing? This was the opposite -- it was telling you things instead of asking you, and in a judgmental way.

She could have asked-- What do you worry it indicates about someone, if they violate social norms when they contact you like this? What do you think might be different about meeting someone in person, rather than online? What kind of interaction would make you feel more comfortable about possibly going on a date? And so on-- a simple exploration of how you're going about this dating scene in hopes of happening upon some possible ideas or insights. It's going to be different for everyone, so how does she know how it will work for you?

Where was her curiosity? I agree with SalingerEsme's phrase "crashed and burned." I think your T got hijacked by her own stuff and really lost sight of her role as a T. I hope she has a bit of recognition of this and that things can be patched up!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by lucozader

I once told my ex-T that I sometimes feel alienated from the rest of society because I have no desire to do 'normal' things like get married and have children. His response was "it's not too late, [Luc]"...

Which of course was basically proving my point in the most infuriating way.

Sorry OP, veering off your thread topic a bit there. I think your T handled that whole thing really badly, and I hope she has reflected on it and that you have a good session with her.

Not off topic at all. I feel like therapy at it's best can help us affirm our best and deepest selves and also come to terms with life's choices and trade offs but that session just left me feeling blamed and shamed. My Therapist needs to convince me that she's not just like watching a bad television show full of tired roles.....I can get normal for free in my living room.

I'm a little nervous about this session and thank you for your encouragement!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Growlycat's excellent list of questions for your T has made me think of another list of questions -- the ones it sounds like your T didn't ask. Isn't non-judgmental curiosity supposed to be a T thing? This was the opposite -- it was telling you things instead of asking you, and in a judgmental way.

She could have asked-- What do you worry it indicates about someone, if they violate social norms when they contact you like this? What do you think might be different about meeting someone in person, rather than online? What kind of interaction would make you feel more comfortable about possibly going on a date? And so on-- a simple exploration of how you're going about this dating scene in hopes of happening upon some possible ideas or insights. It's going to be different for everyone, so how does she know how it will work for you?

Where was her curiosity? I agree with SalingerEsme's phrase "crashed and burned." I think your T got hijacked by her own stuff and really lost sight of her role as a T. I hope she has a bit of recognition of this and that things can be patched up!

Do you have a practice near me and are you accepting new clients? Honestly that would have been a much more productive line of inquiry!!! Thanks for supporting me. I'm actually more than a little nervous!