Couch 162: Let's Play Ball! (The Baseball Couch)

Yeah, I journal

when I'm not well, I withdraw partly because I used to reach out but my bleak moods and anger drove people away. I understand why they left. And I got more hurt by the silence I would be greeted with, or the trite comments of "you're strong" from people who hadn't interacted with me for years. Felt like I was just screaming into the void to an indifferent audience. So I cut everyone in my old life out.

So now I withdraw and keep to myself. I try to savour the lighter moments. I text T a lot. I ask my partner (I'm so lucky to have such a loving partner, I know) to do enjoyable things with me so I don't obsess about work so much.

I tell myself I've the friends here on PC (I feel less alone reading the couch and the psychotherapy forums) and I do have a few local offline friends now. Everyone is struggling though, they've chronic stress and I don't want folks here or there to worry.

So I'm ranting a lot on FB and I delete the posts. And I keep promising myself not to rant here or on facebook.

I'm also afraid people will think I'm faking because my moods can really swing. Eg I can have chronic passive suicidal thoughts the whole work day but still laugh and feel OK once I talk to my partner on Skype. Or even feel peaceful and calm on the weekend. I don't want people to think I'm in danger when I'm not. But then the passive sui thoughts are a sign I'm stressed even though I'm 100% safe.

Lemoncake, those candies sound super comforting

Honestly your family doesn't sound supportive of you. I'm sorry they don't appreciate your presence.

Amitriptyline 50mg and sulpiride 100mg. Have been on them the past 3 years.

I had to google too:

verb
1.
rare
throw (someone) out of a window.

2.informal
remove or dismiss (someone) from a position of power or authority.

If it is rare, clients must be exercising great self-restraint around their therapists.

Training for cage matches takes discipline.

Upper body strength can be hard to come by.

The spirit may be willing but the flesh is weak etc?

Well, but one could approach the dilemma in several ways:

1. Rely on a surge of rage-fueled adrenaline at the time of defenestration.

2. Lift weights to boost upper-body strength. As more clients are female than male, therapists won’t expect significant upper-body strength and will be taken unawares.

3. Make sure the window is open (“I need some fresh air”), then lure the therapist over (“I need you to hold me”) and give a good push.

LC — I’m totally a fan of limiting contact. At least up to a point when you feel like you have actual choice in how and how much you’d like to interact (as opposed to routine habit).

I will say though that apart from the protestations I received in regards to boundary setting, the sense of grief and loss can be overwhelming.

And, the sense of emotional dependence on therapy / the therapist and the sheer inadequacy of hour long time slots (especially if stuff starts coming up) can be a bit much.

I’d suggest setting up some sort of support systems as you do it.

Also, this wasn’t the case for me (but earlier on, it was) if you do have financial / other types of logistically bonding stuff with them, consider carefully how you’ll work that out.

Any therapist stupid enough to come to an open window when I called to them would deserved whatever they got.

If they refuse, will you add ATAT’s wily macabre suggestion of “I need you to hold me”?

Perhaps it’ll help plumb the depths of stupidity, so to speak.

If I could choke out that phrase and if the therapist believed I meant it - we both should be plummeted out the window.

But they might think, "Oh, I have finally cracked SD!" and come rushing over with open arms.

It occurs to me that I once might have had an opportunity to defenestrate No. 3. Ah, well.

That would sadden me because it would mean I chose an idiot rather than a b****, which in turn would lead me to questioning my ability to choose a non-idiot - which is something I count on.

I wish I could figure out how to post pictures - this made me laugh
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d4/3f...89156fcf62.jpg

There is a little icon above the text box when you post which looks like a yellow square with blue mountains on it. Click on that then put the url in. The pic then shows up on the post.

SD, that is a wonderful image.

In life update news, H called me insufferable today. I have been insufferable today. It's the hormones. I hate the hormones. They make me very cranky

I don't think anyone here would really mind your rant posts- I've done my fair share and to be honest it did help to just get it all out. I have my brother but I don't have real friends either and honestly I do feel rather attached to the couchies here. I also withdraw when I'm very low.It's easier to just focus on me. I have BPD so I can honestly understand the moods changing rapidly , but anyone worth knowing would understand that your not faking. Sucidal thoughts are serious even if your not in danger.

I logged back in, spoke for 30 mins and turned it off when I said I would. I'll see how long it holds.I never really learnt healthy boundaries growing up,it was always an attempt to keep other people happy. Do what they want to. I did start saying no to more things last year and that helped burn my friendship with my ex best friends, but mainly I began to feel unappreciated and taken for granted.

For support I only have my brother. I had R but I'm not sure if I want to see him at the moment. Is skipping Tuesdays session a good idea? I really don't know- I'm just tired of trying to make things work.

On a side note exam number 2 = 10 days away.

Hormones really affect my moods as well. Period pain is painful.

This is brilliant SD!

Is it a bit evil if I laughed out loud to this post? I can imagine myself telling R "I need you to hold me". The worst thing is that he does have a large window in his office and we're on the second floor. xD

My RE is inducing a cycle right now, so the medication I'm talking is like, super PMS. Ugh. I want a nap and some ice cream.

It's an authentic Bohemian custom.