Anyone here NOT attached to their therapist?

Ok lets see.....Those of you that are very attached to their T, painfully like it hurts, have needs to connect between session, want to know about their personal lives....What is your diagnosis?

Me: c-PTSD, Borderline (I do not meet that criteria anymore), Bulimia.

Those who are not attached and I will say have "normal transference" what is your diagnosis?

Officially just anxiety but my T thinks its very likely I have AvPD as well... and no official diagnosis here but I have bad issues related to childhood neglect.

Also I'm in the very attached category

I'm very attached to my T and my diagnoses are BPD and anxiety.

For those NOT attached to their T is your diagnosis not trauma related or an attachment disorder related?

I am not attached. If he kicked me out tomorrow or said he was going on a 3 month vacation I would be fine with it.

Dx: Major Depressive Disorder-Severe, C-PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I'm not overly attached to my therapist and my diagnoses is currently dysthymia. I have in the past been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent. I'm not in an episode right now though. We are also talking about Binge Eating Disorder.

I wonder if another factor might be if you have significant and reasonably healthy relationships outside of therapy. It seems logical that if you didn't have anyone else to trust, you might be more likely to attach to the one person who is healthy in your life.

That is me and my T is fairly new, only been working as a T a few yrs, I think he may be unsure how to help me. He says he has had people get attached but they usually have a big support system outside him. I sadly don't, so I could be the first real deeply attached no support client he has. I feel bad for him. It has to be annoying and creepy

I can't just "meet new people" and trust them and open up to them though, none of that is easy and I sadly see my childhood abuser on a near daily basis too so its not easy to progress with that either. I truly believe I'm hopeless.

My official diagnosis (at age 40) is Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I have managed it relatively well in my whole life, except when it became exacerbated by a serious and stubborn substance use problem in my 30's. Don't think I would have even seen a professional just for the anxiety when sober, my biggest evil was the addiction. I also had an eating disorder when much younger, which I think was related to defective nurturing my my mother as a young kid (expressing her love and care via feeding rather than by other means) and bullying by other kids due to my weight before age 10 - I would count these early life as somewhat traumatic, but the actual traumas never occurred within my family, although they provided zero help to resolve all that, I did on my own, but still have some lingering body image issues.

In terms of attachment, I have dismissive-avoidant streaks but not severe, I think, and these days more on the secure side. No surprise that I won't get strongly attached to a therapist though given that tendency and also what I said above, how the formal "nurturing figures" never helped to resolve my emotional issues in early life, then I just took it and managed myself mostly without involving anyone else. I had some adult traumatic experiences that were related to practical things and, again, when people tried to help me, it went wrong and I needed to sort it out mostly by myself or at least direct those that were helping.

Based on my history, one could maybe expect that I might develop the kind of intense longing for good maternal-type care that many people describe here on PC, but nope, never happened. Instead, I tended to avoid women when I was younger. I do tend to get somewhat attached to male mentor types that I respect for something specific but on its own that most often do not cause me emotional issues (see exception below), most often it is a more intellectual interest (similar to that with my father). Then, there was the extreme addictive romantic relationship with one of those guys in my mid-30's, which added significantly to my parallel issues with substance abuse. It took a few years afterward to free myself from seeking out "similar" people and that really gave me an understanding of how repetition compulsion is formed. Luckily I ended that one as well, without help.

So from all this, it is easy to see that I have had a very independent and autonomous kind of personality since early childhood. For me the challenge has been to learn to seek/accept help and to learn how not to reject social attachments. These days I feel that my attachment patterns are pretty normal and reasonably healthy for the most part but I need to be aware of what I am doing because the old pulls are still there in the background.

I personally think that there is probably no human on earth that never struggles with some form of trauma and attachment challenges.

That doesn't fit for me. I am very attached to my T even though I have several close friends with whom I share almost as much as I do with my T. I trust them, and they are healthy, reciprocal relationships. My mother loved me but my Ts all said my attachment difficulties came from some kind of mismatch with her. I was married for many years but I realize that I didn't have the kind of "heartmates" relationship with my H that I have with my T. Perhaps if I had, I wouldn't have attached to Ts so much. That's kind of sad. I think I shut myself off because I was unable to express my feelings to those close to me and to allow myself to love another person, and to love myself. That's why being heartmates with my T is so fulfilling. I've been able to make new friends with whom I have similar feelings, whereas I couldn't do that in the past.

I wonder if being on this board would preclude that. Even if the relationship is negative, or even over, reading and posting here would probably suggest that one is at least thinking about T or therapy in the meantime.

It is true for me that I think about my existing therapy and also where I used to be in the context of reading and posting on this board. That is why this board works for me, in the sense that it helps me think about issues I wouldn't be prompted to IRL. Though I occasionally talk about things that I've been working on in therapy with close friends.

I am attached to my T in a way that works for me. Earlier in our 8 year relationship (when working on some trauma), I had some paternal transference that just kind of skated along the surface, informing me some about what I'd be longing for, but without causing me pain or obsessive thinking.

I am in a similar situation and need help. I have been seeing my new therapist for 4 sessions now, once a week. We talk about my depression and feeling of worthlessness. And how I crave intimacy, and don't feel it from my wife. Anyways I have fallen in Love with my therapist. I can't stop thinking about her, I feel great and bad at the same time when I think about her. I want to tell her, but am so scared to. I want to give her a gift for Valentines Day, so she can know I love her deeply. If I don't tell her, I can't live with this feeling and not telling her, and if I do tell her the rejection is to much to bear. Please Help!

I think I am attached to my T, but minus the transference stuff. Anyway I don’t think of him between session so will answer this question:

My DX is Bipolar, BPD, OCPD... I have trauma related issues I’m working through annnnnnd rereading your second question, maybe it’s got something to do with my attachment style (although I don’t suffer from an attachment disorder)...

I think much of this processing can go on unconsciously.

I came to therapy with former T actively depressed. In the course of therapy, remembered and recovered from trauma. My only diagnosis was depression. I currently have neither issue, nor diagnosis.

I though Borderline Personality Disorder was a form of attachment disorder.

I have seen some say they are attached to their T's but no transference. I guess I was not separating that. I guess what I meant then was transference.

I do not even know if I can be attached with no transference?

So I went through all my old posts from a couple or years ago with my ex-T that I would still have if I did not move. Here is an original post I wrote and then a response from a wonderful member that was on here.

My Post:
Help me write a note to give to my therapist in session. A note that quickly explains my pain, is educational with facts perhaps about attachment and how I need help with it. I can't move on until this issue is addressed and learn what will happen; like him dumping me as a client because he cant deal with it.

I can not bear this attachment I have. It is all consuming, I can't function without daily contact with him, I feel defined by him and non-functioning without knowing he is in my life to help. I hate how desperate this part feels whenever I decide I need to drop therapy all together because it hurst so much. I become depressed, destraught and withdrawn as well as suicidal. I need his help navigating through these emotions but everytime I sit to write this note I cant do it.

I fully understand why this attachment happened. I have read enough on my own and have read about peoples suffering with it on this forum.

I am not in love with him. It is not sexual. I do love him but I am not sure in what capacity, father, dear friend, something else. I have never felt like this before so I do not know where to file it in my brain.

I can not deal with how this makes me hate all that I am for feeling like I am nothing without his help and attention in my life. It makes me feel small and broken, weak and pathetic.

I am overwhelmed by this and fear I am going to end up in the ER from a botched attempt of easing my pain.


Hello MD
I am so sorry to hear how confused and frightened you are by the very powerful and painful feelings you are experiencing. I find that it helps a lot, when in such a place, to understand what might be happening to you. Once you have some understanding it will be easier to speak about your experiences.
I don't know how much you know but will try to explain it abit to you anyway. I think the feelings you are experiencing don't come from an adult place, which explains why the adult part of you isn't sure if the feelings belong to the adult. The feelings are from the baby/infant part of you and you are in what we would call a regressed place - your mind is taking you back to a very young place so something can be worked through that you couldn't do back then. This is what therapy is often about and us quite normal but scary if we don't understand it. Try not to be unkind to yourself because actually your body is very clever and is telling you what you need to do.
Try to imagine how a little baby/child feels. We are totally dependant our main caregiver (usually mother) to stay alive. When a baby cries it actually thinks it is dying. To be left means to die. That's how serious it is. A baby has no concept that mother is there when out of sight - there is no object consistency and the baby is just a ball of primitive impulses. Those very powerful feelings you describe, and sometimes feeling suicidal, are about those primitive feelings. It feels you might die if you are left? That is where you are and it is very scary. I hear that. The baby needs the mother to be available and consistent and to 'hold' both physically and psychically, with her body, her voice, her eyes and mind. This is what you are desperately seeking and needing right now and it needs to be talked about and understood - this can really help to hold you. It is very important that you and your therapist can understand this together and I hope he has the knowledge and experience to be there for you. Some reparative work needs to be done in therapy.
Your post is beautiful and explains it so well - you have already written the note to your therapist!
Your pain needs to be understood and treated with the utmost respect, both by yourself and your therapist.
I wonder if you could use the words you have already written here, alongside my words too if it helps, to tell your therapist? I hope he can hear you and has the ability to help you through this very important work.
You are in my thoughts.
Moon

Attachment problems or issues are definitely linked to BPD, but it’s two separate issues, the former usually precludes the latter...

Ahhh yes, Moon! What a wonderful, caring person... I’ve had some wonderful conversations ( on here) with Moon. Sure do miss seeing her posts

Do you think she still comes here?

Whats moons username... Id like to talk to her

I am not attached to my therapist.

My diagnoses are : C-PTSD, DID, Anorexia nervosa, MDD
I had disorganized attachment as a child, now my style best "fits" dismissive avoidant.
I think there is probably a huge amount of attachment pain in here but it hasn't ben activated yet or we are not "close enough" to T yet. Have only been seeing her for 4.5 months. I think all that lovely emotional torture will come.

I went back into my messages and found this.

It's really great to hear you found the courage to tell your therapist and that he was so reassuring for you. Well done!
Thank you too for your kind words. They are appreciated. It's good you could reach out for some help.
I know you asked how it gets worked through. Perhaps it's ok to just let it unfold? Baby steps. It needs time.
I know that as a therapist, if one of my clients shows such distress and difficulty coping between sessions, I put in an extra session so the space between sessions is halved. I also work with more padded boundaries due to the distress, but still keeping a safe and secure frame. Mother has to adapt to the baby and no two babies are the same. What works for one can be of no use to another. It is the therapists job to feel his/her way and to find, often creative (!) ways to stay connected.
As therapists we have to be prepared to be idealised but even more prepared to be denigrated - we have to be able to withstand attacks and not retaliate and that is often where inexperienced therapists come unstuck and cause harm - because they take it as a personal attack rather than seeing it is an expression of pain. I hope your therapist can resist the urge to be flattered by your idealisation and can understand its symbolic meaning. And that he is able to withstand the rage when it comes. That is the most important thing - that both of you can survive it. Winnicott, the famous psychoanalyst, said that the most important job of the mother is to survive! You need to be able to have the early 'love affair 'with mother that is so vital to our development. But it must be safe - no acting out sexually in the part of the therapist - to do so is incestuous. It is that early relationship with mother that is the blueprint for all relationships to come. Hence why you are needing to go back and get what you didn't get. That is where the relationship with the therapist can be transformative. This is psychoanalytic theory. Not all therapists train that way. I find it very grounding as a therapist and as a client. It gives a frame for understanding the transferential relationship that is unfolding right now for you; who the therapist represents for you and the work you need to do.
I hope you can continue to tell your therapist how it feels. I am very glad to have been able to help.

Take care
Moon

no one has her username then?

I’m not sure... I haven’t seen any posts from her for quite some time now. She was a wonderful person to talk to ( on here). She has so much knowledge to offer... sure do miss her

Her user name was moonlitsky, and she helped me too. It looks like she last posted in 2015. I hadn't thought about her until you posted her response, but I miss her too!