Upset about what I asked T

hopealwayz · Feb 04, 2018, 08:03 AM

A few days ago, I emailed my T and asked if I were to ever quit therapy, could we stay in touch. He never responded and now I feel hurt and dumb for asking him that.

MoxieDoxie · Feb 04, 2018, 08:08 AM

When we put something out there and we do not get the response we expect it feels real iky! I am sure your T will discuss this with you face to face. It is not a dumb question to begin with.

maybeblue · Feb 04, 2018, 08:25 AM

That's too bad. I hate it when I send out an important email like that and don't get a response. The problem with email is you just don't know what the recipient is doing/thinking. He might not have even gotten the email yet...broken computer, out of town, etc. Or he might need more information about why you are answering the question and would prefer to talk about it in person. I'm sure he will talk to you about it. If he doesn't bring it up, you should. It isn't a dumb question.

DP_2017 · Feb 04, 2018, 08:39 AM

I would have recommended you not ask that because of what I just went through when I did, it was horrible and has greatly changed how I see him

Most T's will not allow this and if anything you could send an occasional email. It might be too soon in your relationship for him to think of any of it being ok

Right now, just let enjoy the moments you can with him, when then end comes if you still feel this way, worry about it then

hopealwayz · Feb 04, 2018, 08:46 AM

It took forever for me to trust him. I’m amazed that I actually asked him that.

He just genuinely seems like a good person to talk to.

I’m still thinking of adding a 2nd T.

DP_2017 · Feb 04, 2018, 08:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

It took forever for me to trust him. I’m amazed that I actually asked him that.

He just genuinely seems like a good person to talk to.

I’m still thinking of adding a 2nd T.

I thought he was fairly new for you??

Trust is hard for some ya. Again, he will probably say no and realize it's a standard for T's.... other than an occasional email update, after therapy contact with former clients is very rare

Anne2.0 · Feb 04, 2018, 09:49 AM

This might be one of those times when asking yourself the question, "why do I want to know this? why am I asking this now?" may be useful to you. This is a question that at some level everyone knows is primed to provoke rejection, because the standard trained
t worry is that saying "yes" even in a small way (particularly with someone who has had trouble overstepping boundaries with professionals in the past) will encourage the client to quit therapy in pursuit of the promised relationship. Think about what has happened in the past when you've asked other people this question. Saying "no" makes the client feel rejected, which may encourage her to leave therapy. Seems like either way, it's sabotage to the T relationship and may very well lead to the client quitting. Do you want to quit therapy, are you looking for an excuse?

I really encourage you to think about stopping email with your T about anything that matters to you. Save these questions or thoughts for your sessions.

DP_2017 · Feb 04, 2018, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I really encourage you to think about stopping email with your T about anything that matters to you. Save these questions or thoughts for your sessions.

Well said, I agree with this, I find it way more effective to do in person, even if it is tougher at times

hopealwayz · Feb 04, 2018, 10:00 AM

He said last time that he liked the emails and he takes the email content in using it in session.

I’ve been with him since June.

If this is going to be an issue and I need to switch to the other T, how would I express that in a letter?

Anne2.0 · Feb 04, 2018, 10:05 AM

Maybe consider the possibility that writing letters to the professionals you work with is not the best path.

DP_2017 · Feb 04, 2018, 10:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

He said last time that he liked the emails and he takes the email content in using it in session.

I’ve been with him since June.

If this is going to be an issue and I need to switch to the other T, how would I express that in a letter?

If he is ok with emails that is fine but it's also good for you to try and learn to not email about everything, take notes, journal, bring the notes or journal to session.

Trust me, I've been where you are, it's so much more helpful and healing to address it in person...even though it's scary

Are you talking about the contact after therapy as an issue or the emails? I would not switch T's for the first reason, as I said nearly ever T on this planet will say the same thing. Second....if you want to discuss the email frequency etc, ask him in person, you said you trust him now, so just be bold, be confident, do it in person. It will make you feel better about yourself

hopealwayz · Feb 04, 2018, 10:22 AM

He doesn’t mind if he knows that I have something that I want to talk about but have trouble saying it. I know I should just say it.

I’m scheduled for an appointment tomorrow but I don’t know if they will see me because I don’t have any money to take. They’re usually pretty understanding as long as I am paying something.

I really need to see my therapist and I don’t know what to do.

The situation with my dad was horrible and he was beginning to say horrible things to me like that I was faking my disorders and using that as an excuse. I was horrified! I would NEVER choose this. The depression and panic attacks prevent me from functioning like everyone else. I have tried and tried to explain to him what my disorders are like and what it’s like to live with them. He won’t listen.

And he refused to give me any money for expenses. So I told him that he had to go.

hopealwayz · Feb 04, 2018, 10:24 AM

I already asked him if the emails were a bother and he said that they never bother him and he likes reading them to see what is going on.

DP_2017 · Feb 04, 2018, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

I already asked him if the emails were a bother and he said that they never bother him and he likes reading them to see what is going on.

Thats fine and mine says the same but for your own growth, I was suggesting in person.

I get that it's hard to say, believe me, I shut down a lot, but thats why I write my feelings and thoughts done and bring them in to share there.... you could even have him read them if you can't. Trust me, you will feel more empowered this way

So you made an appointment with a new therapist? I'm confused

hopealwayz · Feb 04, 2018, 10:32 AM

No the appointment is with the same T. But I’m having financial difficulties this week.

hopealwayz · Feb 04, 2018, 10:33 AM

I agree with what you’re saying.

Feb 04, 2018, 10:45 AM

I would like to go against the grain here and say that I feel it is unfair to ask such a question of your therapist. When you look at the therapist-client relationship, it is a working relationship and generally does not go further than that. Plus, they are being paid for their services.

To ask if you could keep in touch after the working relationship ends, free of charge, is to expect something completely unrealistic. 99.9% of the time, the answer will be no. Imagine if therapists agreed to stay in touch with every client that they stopped seeing, they would have a lot on their plate!

There is a clear pattern of you looking for something more in your therapist-client relationships, or with other professionals like your pharmacist. You are fighting a losing battle here, these professionals cannot be what you want them to be. And it is unfair to them to expect that.

I would encourage you to try and find friends elsewhere, who are not in a working relationship with you, and to keep your professional relationships where they should be - professional and nothing more. Otherwise you will continue to feel hurt.

stopdog · Feb 04, 2018, 10:51 AM

It is not unfair to ask a therapist anything. Even those guys say a client can ask them anything. They may not answer -but the asking does not hurt a therapist. Second not everyone is going to want do anything with those guys. Third keeping in touch with a therapist does not equal therapy for free. I kept in touch with the first one that I tried when I was in my 20s. We shared a hobby and got together a couple of times a month. No free therapy was involved.

Feb 04, 2018, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

It is not unfair to ask a therapist anything. Even those guys say a client can ask them anything. They may not answer -but the asking does not hurt a therapist. Second not everyone is going to want do anything with those guys. Third keeping in touch with a therapist does not equal therapy for free. I kept in touch with the first one that I tried when I was in my 20s. We shared a hobby and got together a couple of times a month. No free therapy was involved.

Fair enough, any question can certainly be asked. But it should not surprise the client if such a question does not get the answer that they want. All I am saying is, the OP has a pattern of seeking something more with people in professional roles and it is just leading to pain and suffering. There is nothing wrong with using therapy as therapy and then having a social life outside of that realm. OP seems to want therapy to be therapy AND a social life. It is not realistic.

LonesomeTonight · Feb 04, 2018, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

He doesn’t mind if he knows that I have something that I want to talk about but have trouble saying it. I know I should just say it.

I’m scheduled for an appointment tomorrow but I don’t know if they will see me because I don’t have any money to take. They’re usually pretty understanding as long as I am paying something.

I really need to see my therapist and I don’t know what to do.

The situation with my dad was horrible and he was beginning to say horrible things to me like that I was faking my disorders and using that as an excuse. I was horrified! I would NEVER choose this. The depression and panic attacks prevent me from functioning like everyone else. I have tried and tried to explain to him what my disorders are like and what it’s like to live with them. He won’t listen.

And he refused to give me any money for expenses. So I told him that he had to go.

I'm sorry your dad was so awful to you and that he refused to give you any money. Did you give him a timeline for leaving?

As for your T, do you have even a tiny bit you could pay? Or a credit card you could put it on? Hope you're able to go.

hopealwayz · Feb 04, 2018, 12:27 PM

Now I’ve totally screwed up. I emailed him and said I was quitting and he told the front office. He gave up on me so easily. He said that he would call me in a little bit but I’m laying in bed crying. I’m hurting.