[cold_nomad]

Hello, it's me again.

I want to start to tell you all what happened at my last session. For the last month i have been trying to talk to my therapist about the struggle of me being very attached to her, to the point where this attachment has become very, very painful. This topic is not easy, not only for me but also for her. So I tried to prepare her gradually, by sending her long and elaborate emails and trying to explain fragment of my suffering during our sessions. A few weeks ago, I wrote her, probably the most important email. I explained to her everything, mostly the information that i have been sharing with you all, the longing, yearning, jealousy. She chose to ignore that email. I was the first time that i felt ignored and neglected by her. So on the next email, i explained that it was not ok from her to "bypass" that specific topic. We agreed to talk about everything i want at our next session.

That particular session was last week. I noticed that she felt uncomfortable, it was something new to me. "What do you want to talk about today" she asked. I told her that i want to talk about the issues mentioned in that long email that i have send her. She went quiet, started thinking. She closed her notebook, removed her glasses and confessed that for the last four sessions she consciously and subconsciously was trying to avoid the topic of attachment, transference, love and pain. All this because she did not know how to handle it, how to deal with this issue, regarding me. She tried to explain that it is something that it is hard for her, because of me and that it includes her personally. She explained that she dealt with lesser forms of transference with other clients, and the method she used was not going to work for me, because my attachment is so deep, so powerful and she does not have the knowledge how to help without hurting me. She said she cared about me, genuinely, and does want to see me smile and happy. But she will not be able to help me overcome this obstacle . It was the first time that i saw my therapist (that i idealize, respect and adore so much) so "powerless". In contrast to other situations, i wanted to hug her because how sorry i was that i failed her, that i made her feel clueless.

My nightmare regarding her and therapy came true. Her, for the first time not knowing what to do with me, and saying that the thing we have now it is not bringing the desired results. She suggested that maybe it is for the best that i would see someone else, temporarily, until i dealt with this problem that has it's roots very deep. She said that she knows a male colleague, that in her opinion will be able to help me. During this "therapy" for the main therapy we can continue to communicate via email, if i want. Once i will be freed from this burden/obstacle we will continue therapy as always. I don't know if that will be the case though....
Or, she would try on her own. To start investigate, to study the topic more and utilize the help of a supervisor in order to help me. These are the two options.

Now it is up to me to decide (sigh). I'm will have to write her next week (she told me to), to let her know what i have chosen. I noticed that she somehow wished i would choose option one because it would benefit me more, which as you might have guessed, it is not what i desire. But i don't want to disappoint her again. On the other hand i don't want to start over with someone new, to build trust and all, and to not see her for a while. I started to miss her now, what would happen if i don't see her for a long time? And i have doubts that the other therapist will be able to help on the first place.
I am feeling like i am loosing something, like i am loosing someone very important. All this time in therapy, despite the pain of attachment, she created this safe haven for me, a second home, a better home. Now it seems like it is crumbling and i am feeling very insecure and anxious. I know she will wait for my decision, and i just don't know what to do. She said she will be ok with either decision, but it is very important to think it through, before making this important decision. I fear abandonment and i am scared of what will come next. All i want now is to be near her you know, to feel her love and compassion. I have no one else to talk about it.

Any suggestions? What should i do? Please help me.

In my experience, I am not sure that any therapist can actually help with transference at all. I think the client just either keeps going through it and finds a way out or gets stuck.

I see an expert in this kind of stuff and if you have such a deep rooted attachment, I find their usual methods wont work. Not if it's severly intense.

A client may find transference resolves itself but that its time more than anything I think. A therapist cant change your feelings for them. You will probably outgrow them or not. I dont mean to sound negative but I would rather the brutal truth than a comfortable lie.

[Elio]

First, I am glad that she was honest with you about her skill set. As painful as that might be.

Second, I can't tell you which to choose. They both have risks, challenges, and possible rewards. I am guessing the option of seeing both of them isn't available? Did she happen to say what her usual methods of addressing transference is and why she thinks that it won't work for you? Also, did she give any reasons as to her hesitancy around option 2 (her building her toolbox and seeing this as an opportunity for her to also grow)?

I don't know all the challenges in your life, so it's hard to say. I think if it was me, I'd push to see if option 3 (seeing both of them even if that meant every other week) was an option. I know when my transference was at the painful and longing stages, I thought about seeking someone to talk about it. I did use online for a trial run to talk about this. It helped some, to be able to talk about my T to someone else without the direct judgment of how crazy it sounds. I know several people that have left a situation where there was high transference and found the new T was able to help them with it. In my story, I do feel I am growing through my transference, growing up through it.

[growlycat]

Therapists like this really make me angry. Transference is often a key part of the work and if a therapist can’t handle it they did not get enough training or are not cut out to be therapists. Honestly getting another t probably not her colleague would be best for you. Starting over is hard but once you start working with someone who knows what they are doing you will feel so much better.

[junkDNA]

Please don't get into transference and attachment work with a therapist who is not trained and equipped to deal with it . It can be traumatizing .

[DP_2017]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I sometimes think, that my T is overwhelmed by me as well. He has had people attach and been ok with handling it but I'm not sure he is used to very attached with no outside support. Reading your story made me very sad, I hate when things like this happen and mess with our heads even more.

I personally would not pick another T, but that's due to my huge trust issues... I'd rather quit all together but it might be an ok option for you, at least she is willing to keep in touch through it and see you again later

Either choice has it downside, I hope you think it over and do what's best for you

Originally Posted by junkDNA

Please don't get into transference and attachment work with a therapist who is not trained and equipped to deal with it . It can be traumatizing .

I think a lot of people would say its traumatising either way

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Coming up tails

I think a lot of people would say its traumatising either way

Yes but more so when a therapist plays into and feeds these needy parts then withdraws

[Salmon77]

I think it would be worth trying the other T to see if you feel like you can connect with that person.

If a T told me they were not equipped to handle my issues, I would take them at their word. I wouldn't want to be someone's practice patient when it's my mental health at stake.

i wanted to hug her because how sorry i was that i failed her, that i made her feel clueless.

You're not failing her and you're not making her feel anything. Her lack of training is her problem, not yours.

[mostlylurking]

I think that transference can be survived and worked through with a T who has very, very consistent boundaries, regarding how much they self-disclose, how much verbal affection or physical touch they allow, their out of session contact, and how they treat their various clients (i.e. they don't exacerbate transference by making a client feel suddenly very special in some way). This is an impression I've gotten from reading many threads here and from my own experience with my T, where I had transference (several kinds, both positive and negative) but it stayed moderate and was actually useful.

If your T has been professional and consistent, then you may be able to stick with her, explore where these unresolved needs are coming from, and have the feelings lessen in time. To me her consistency would count for more than her credentials or training.

I guess I don't really believe there are experts in transference. I just think there are good, consistent, professional, committed T's who can stick with clients and work through it, and then there are others who can't. So if I were the OP, I might try to go by how she's been as a T so far. Going off her cold turkey seems cruel though, I would try hard to alternate with another T for support, or see two at once for a while if at all feasible. Her offer to maintain email contact during the interim was quite kind and seems a good sign to me.

[maybeblue]

I've read some of your back posts and I really feel for you. This sounds really painful and I'm sorry it happened.

Of course this is your decision completely. However, you did ask for advice so I'll give you my opinion. I think that you should transfer to the male therapist that your primary therapist suggested for the purpose of dealing with this attachment. I think that this option might hurt more in the beginning, but I think that the second option (of trying to work it out with her) will hurt longer.

I think that it is very nice that she is willing to email you during that time and that she will see you again when you are ready to work with her. Maybe remembering that you aren't saying goodbye forever will help. But I do think getting some distance from her might help you work through it more quickly.

I also think that the fact that even though you are hurting so much, you are still able to empathize with her uncomfortableness says something pretty awesome about you. I don't think that you should take her pain into account in your decision making. Therapy is a place where you are supposed to be selfish and do what is best for you. However, I think that you being able to feel for her is pretty good evidence that someone will be very lucky to get to be with you someday.

[cold_nomad]

Originally Posted by Elio

First, I am glad that she was honest with you about her skill set. As painful as that might be.

Second, I can't tell you which to choose. They both have risks, challenges, and possible rewards. I am guessing the option of seeing both of them isn't available? Did she happen to say what her usual methods of addressing transference is and why she thinks that it won't work for you? Also, did she give any reasons as to her hesitancy around option 2 (her building her toolbox and seeing this as an opportunity for her to also grow)?

I don't know all the challenges in your life, so it's hard to say. I think if it was me, I'd push to see if option 3 (seeing both of them even if that meant every other week) was an option. I know when my transference was at the painful and longing stages, I thought about seeking someone to talk about it. I did use online for a trial run to talk about this. It helped some, to be able to talk about my T to someone else without the direct judgment of how crazy it sounds. I know several people that have left a situation where there was high transference and found the new T was able to help them with it. In my story, I do feel I am growing through my transference, growing up through it.

We haven't talked about seeing both at the same time. I don't know if i should suggest this to her.
She did not mention anything specific about her methods, only that it would not work for me. I am guessing that she tries to strengthen her boundaries even more and that she says something that would hurt, but it would be the truth, a reality check.

Even if it's permanently, i still feel like i am loosing her, she is very important to me. I sought her because of my social phobia, depression and interpersonal problems. My option are very limited, as far as life is concerned. She did help me a lot, having her around all this time was the best feeling that i ever had. But then, transference happened and the relationship became complicated, painful. I am so scared that the duration of the other therapy will be to long, i know that i am going to miss her. But i need to end the pain somehow, i need to do something. The optimal solution for me would be to continue seeing her, and her being more capable to offer me the help that i need.

This is so hard....

[1stepatatime]

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I agree with those who believe that transference is a part of the work in therapy. It’s inevitable, especially if there is a connection between the client and therapist. What gets to me is when a therapist isn’t able to handle it or terminates because of it. Naturally I’m not talking about over the top stuff like aggression or violence or any behaviors that are inappropriate but the normal feelings that may arise during this work. If I were you I would seek out another therapist but before you decide to hire anyone make certain that they are experienced and understand transference. Best of luck to you!

[peaches100]

I know from personal experience that a good t can help you work through attachment and transference. However, your t has made it clear that she feels uncomfortable with the subject and avoided talking about it until she had to. She has been honest in admitting that she doesn't have the skills to help you in this area.

You have said that this issue is very important for you to resolve, and very painful. It then sounds like you need to go see a therapist who has knowledge and experience dealing with severe attachment and transference problems. It could be the male therapist your own therapist recommended, or it could be a different therapist that you find doing an online search. You can do an online search for a therapist near you, and in the search box, try adding the word "attachment." That way, you are more likely to find t's who specialize in that issue.

If you decide to see the male therapist your t recommended, don't assume that he is highly skilled with attachment and transference issues. Find out by asking him specifically how much knowledge and experience he has in this area. You do not want to start with a different therapist, only to find out that he isn't the right person for you either.

You are obviously emotionally attached to your current therapist, and don't want to stop seeing her. I get it and understand why. So why not seek out a new t with the skill and experience you need to work on attachment issues, and accept your current t's offer of keeping in touch via email during the process. If it doesn't work out with the new t, you can always go back to your current t. And if it does work out with the new t, and you get a better handle on your transference issues, you can still go back, right? So you would not be losing your t.

This is just my opinion though. You have to do what seems right for you.