[Lrad123]

I’m relatively new to therapy and am generally polite, courteous and considerate. Last week, to my surprise, I decided to no show to my scheduled session without calling. It totally caught me off guard because it’s just not my style to do something like that. We talked about it this week and my therapist was very nice about it (I’m assuming this happens not infrequently), and it turns out that in part, I may have been testing him. He implied that I may continue to test him. I’m just not sure what this means and I’d like to be prepared. Maybe I even want to get ideas . . . . . What are ways that you have tested your therapist and how have they responded?

[DP_2017]

for me, i mostly would test him by seeing his response to "I'm sorry I'm bothering you" any time i emailed or something

i would test him by apologizing BEFORE i said something in session and then seeing how he replied

I've gotten to a point where i dont really do it anymore. i did one recently but it was when i was not myself due to grief issues.

i think its very normal

[LonesomeTonight]

For me, with my marriage counselor (for whom I have some strong transference), outside contact, like e-mailing or texting a fair amount, then apologizing, seeing if he'd still accept me and not tell me I had to stop. (He always still accepted it--would just say he couldn't always read or respond right away). Prying into his private life (he discloses a lot, but the stuff he didn't share, like about his wife's illness and eventual death). Sharing intense emotions with him, like, saying "If I love you, is that OK?" Also expressing anger at him, which is something I have great difficulty doing with people.

He said the testing thing is normal--that kids do it with their parents as a normal part of development. Like, "Will you still love me if I do this? Yes? What about if I do/say that?" So of course it makes total sense that if I have paternal transference for him, I'm going to test him, too... I think this is a common thing in therapy in general, particularly since many in therapy have attachment issues (myself included), generally from childhood.

[Lemoncake]

The old me was very angry. I used to tell him that I was mad at him and hated him, once that his face irritated me when he watched me cry. He just accepted it- personally I would have preferred it if he had become nasty back, but he never has or will. And I used to play up the erotic transference. Full make up sometimes with a low cut top then tell him that I wanted him. xD He just normalized all of that instead of shaming me about it.

[Fernwehxx]

I think I have and do test them.
This time, she did auch a good job that I didnt have to test her much. Bow, I have decided to be brutally honest, which I have never done before. If she passes this test too, she's my keeper. If not, its gonna kill me inside....

[fille_folle]

I have not intentionally tested my T. I think I'm difficult enough to deal with on my best behavior. I'm curious why you're looking for more ideas for testing your T. Are you trying to sabotage yourself?

[Fernwehxx]

I dont think I try to aelf sabotage, but rather try to find out if that's the person with whom I am willing to let my guards down. I kibd of test to protect myself, just to see if they can handle me. Does that make sense?

[Lrad123]

I’m sort of kidding about looking for ways to test him. Pretty sure I have not been doing it on purpose, but now that I’m aware of it I kind of just want to get it out of my system so we can move on and do whatever work I’m here for.

[atisketatasket]

I drop cultural references to see how learned they are. It’s not so much to see what they know as to see how they react to realizing they’re not necessarily the smarter person in the room.

Bad news if they get uptight about it. Better news if they don’t. Best news if they want to hear more.

[Sarmas]

I’m not sure if in my case it’s a called “testing”. I guess I have but only when my T has done something wrong or I have certain expectations due to circumstances. For example when my T double booked me I expected her to be more persistent in reaching out to me in order for her to correct the issue. Those were my expectations that I was hoping she would follow through with. That was my way of testing her wanting to continue to work on things. Im aware that I’m testing her at the time. Otherwise I don’t test her if there’s nothing really going on. I don’t set the stage.

[annielovesbacon]

I suppose I have dropped a few things about politics to see how she would react (to see if she agreed with me or had opposing views), but other than that I cannot think of any way I have tried to test her.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

I suppose I have dropped a few things about politics to see how she would react (to see if she agreed with me or had opposing views), but other than that I cannot think of any way I have tried to test her.

Hm, I guess I've done that with current T, come to think of it (I know how ex-T and MC felt about politics already). So far he hasn't taken the bait. And the other day, I made a comment about how there was just some random stuff I was curious about, like what kind of car he drove, thinking maybe he'd just offer it up, but he didn't. I mean, he's disclosed some stuff, but he also knows that MC's extensive disclosures have affected our therapy with him at times, so I think he's being extra careful. And I think he just discloses less anyway. Which I think is good.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't really test my T anymore. If something is bothering me, I tell her. If I want to know something or need something, I ask. And if I worry, I ask for reassurance. Reassurance is probably the biggest thing for me.

[chihirochild]

My first therapist said I tested her a lot, but I was never completely sure what she meant. (Could have been referring to the times when I dropped psychoanalytic theory on her to see how she'd react--she's an LICSW who isn't especially interested in psychoanalysis, and I was better-read than she was on the topic).

And then I *really* tested them by doing this: https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...d-my-boss.html

[InnerPeace111]

I do not test my T. I have zero interest in doing something like that. I want my therapy to be a positive experience given the time commitment and cost. I also think I’m just at a point in my life where my own healing and self-growth are too important to me to mess around with.

[winterblues17]

I don't think I test her purposely, but i think the way I am can be quite testing on her patience maybe. It has taken me a while to trust and open up. I think I needed to know she wasn't just gonna leave me if things got tough, we have both probably had some tears along the way. Maybe a bit of push and pull from me, and by staying around and being validating abd supporting in everyway makes me think she's in a way passed the trust test!

[junkDNA]

i spent years testing my T. threatening suicide, using drugs, excessive outside contact, eating disorder relapses and self harm, not taking my medications. they werent all 100% deliberate tests, but there was that component added to my usual pain and bad coping skills.

[amandalouise]

for me testing my treatment providers is not about missing sessions not following my treatment plan... to me testing my therapist means pushing them to their limits. my therapist and I have this way of pushing each other that ends up in a debate. it will start out me coming into the session in a bad mood. she will say something and I will say back something like what do you care have you ever.... and we will continue pushing at each other.... oh you think that compares to..... on and on until either of us reaches our boundary line, when she hits her boundary line I give the issue that one push over the line, she ends the session with ok that's it out see you week. and out the door I go. the next week comes and we talk about why I just had to push her to that boundary line and over, what was going on with me that made me want to see her pushed out of her comfort zone/ professional boundary line like that.

nope no simple skip a session or dont take my meds for me, for one thing that doesnt test my treatment providers, that just does harm to me and affects me, Im the one that would be out that money for the missed session, i would be the one that was having the mental and physical health symptoms due to missed med. nope I go for the things that will actually test/ affect my treatment provider

[Elio]

I have started to wonder if my recent ED behavior isn't in part a test.

[maybeblue]

The only thing I have done is get angry with him. I need for him to be able to handle my anger without abandoning me. I've also slowly started to share the deeper things with him...gradually with the stuff that would hurt least if he shamed me, then more intense stuff. So far he has passed.

T says I'm still testing her because I still fear judgment and condemnation or punishment from her. I feel those aren't me testing.

Like fillie, I think I'm difficult enough to deal with on my best behavior...so I really don't see what purpose a conscious test of me behaving badly would accomplish.

[Amyjay]

I don't think I test my therapist. At least not that I am aware of.
I don't expect anything of her except for her to do what I expect of her in her job... that is to listen, to not judge, to know stuff about dissociation and have similar treatment goals to mine, and to be there for the duration of our agreed upon session times.
I don't... expect bonding. I don't expect she will be loyal to me. I am definitely not saying those are "wrong" things to expect. I think it is healthier to expect something of the those sorts. But I don't. I don't think I would want to test boundaries because I -
Well I guess I don't think she would care what happens to me one way or the other. I don't mean that in a "poor me" kind of way. She owes me nothing.