In session t vs real life t

When I was in therapy I saw her as a real person when she was having some peri menopausal symptoms. She started breathing heavy and I asked her what was wrong. She said “Jersey open the window, I’m ready to pass out from hot flashes. Menopause sucks” That’s probably the best example I have of her being real.

My T is very smart, and I get the good part of that : insight, perception. Once in a while though, he makes a snarky or dismissive comment ( not towards me) about a topic, and I can see that he might have a know-it-all side. The other thing is he tries to teach me to be more assertive, and I can tell in glimmers it would suck to argue with him- he would be a bulldog lol. He is the kind of person to whom an ultimatum would be like a double dog dare to do the opposite . I do think I prefer him as my T!

I really don't know what he is like outside of therapy. I'm not sure I want to know too much either. There's a lot that could ruin the illusion. I suspect he is a bit shy. I also suspect that he was into sports in high school. He tried to use a car analogy on me one time and I looked at him like he had gone completely insane. So maybe he likes cars. I doubt he yells very often. He has a very quiet voice with me and with the secretary.

I have gotten to know my (former) T a bit more after sessions ended. From what I found online, put together with bits and pieces of personal stuff she mentioned in passing, and now having access to her Facebook feed I have concluded that she's had some messy moments in life both happening to her and perhaps some of her own making, but come through them really well. I admire her all the more for it.

We have a mutual friend in common and that person "hypothetically" asked me if it would make me feel better or worse if I knew a therapist was a "a litte ****ed up". I said, "Better!" because it humanizes them. Only, of course, if that T is willing and honest to admit that they're all too human which My T always was. I loved that about her.

I have seen my t at a music festival he plays at and besides the dancing, socially he seems to be much the same as in session , open but reserved, friendly and jovial. I suspect his family would see another side altogether the tired cross frustrated t. Actually i have seen him at the parkwith his very young children he had his head resting on his arms on a picnic table and his wife was patting his back

I don't know how to answer this question, really but here's what I've seen --

She's been more than capable of getting really angry at me (using bordering-on-foul language that she later says she can't recall using).

That is real. However, that's real in the context of her interaction with me and my needling her -- so, who's to say if she's really like that in 'real life'?

I think the one significant (there have been lesser earthquak-y ones) glimpse I got of her (which I wish I hadn't gotten) was when she was telling me in excruciating detail as to how she decided on Xmas lists and who gets what and all that good stuff.

It was this really detailed hell-bent-on-adhering-to-super-rigid-social-norms (or that was my uncharitable explanation) kinda way of doing things.

It freaked me out a bit because it's so far removed from how I'd even begin to think about gift-giving, holidays and the like and it made me wonder how she and I actually manage to get along in session at all. And, reinforced the notion that we'd never even have made it on each other's radar, let alone tried to get to know each other, had we met in any context but therapy.

Other than that, my other slightly uncharitable observation is that she can be super school-marm-ish -- I've seen that in session too and from stuff she's told me about how she looks at her life outside of session.

I do believe that she's in general a person who tries to be compassionate and do her best to be kind i.e., that she's not deliberately malicious -- that seems like a low bar to cross but in all honesty, this is a new realization for me about a human being (given what I grew up with etc).

So many great insights here I have to go back and read again

Although I don’t think my t has a fake persona, I just recently had to opportunity to discover that in session he hides the messier parts of his personality.

Frankly, were we real life friends (wish we were btw) then I would take him aside and say “are you ok???” Getting a sense of either the imperfect life we all have or recent troubles. I don’t know which but he had me fooled.

In therapy they present their best selves. Most I have seen are not that way outside of therapy. I have seen instagram photos of my T doing things I would have never expected her to do. I have seen all of their dark sides at one time or another in session. I have had about 8 different therapists. The last one I don't know much about her, because I didn't see her for long.

I recently said to my standby therapist that my former therapist is the same person I knew as a therapist and now as my friend. Standby's response said with a smile, "Yes, what you see is what you get with FM." Her values are the same in and out of therapy and maybe thats why we've been friends for more than four-years now.

The one I dated is definitely a different in person in real life from in the office. The lawyer I dated who became one was (hopefully not as any more) batshit crazy and I cannot imagine her containing her temper or need to control with a client. The ones in my circle of friends all have their own issues and quirks and dysfunctional ways of being in the world which I do not believe they show clients although they may tell clients about it.

I often wonder maybe her home life isn’t great. I know she’s married and I facestalked her once just to be curious... I know she was this smiley person but now she’s grumpy and moody which in my scenario I just picture her and her husband constantly bickering back and forth and naturally when you life your home life sometimes you bring it into your work life which could explain the moody behavior. I just wonder what goes inside her head and what she thinks about me.

I have a gut feeling my t might have something like this going on. Or I could be completely misreading the situation.

I've only seen a glimpse of T's real life, from her instagram (which is now private) and from a few asides she's made in session. It seems like she is very sarcastic, likes to goof around, and likes to drink socially.
So, aside from the drinking, real-life T seems exactly like in-session T.

I think one way to see the "real" therapist while in session is when you go off-topic, not talking about therapy related things. For instance, one time I was very excited about new makeup I bought, and she made a joke about one of her friends who was also excited about the same makeup. That was how I learned that she appreciates makeup but couldn't give a rat's *** about it in her own life. That's something that isn't relevant to therapy but is a detail about her "real" life.

I've seen my T interacting with her colleagues and she seemed very friendly and laid back. Lately I've noticed that she sometimes goes out for a smoke break on her own or with another therapist. Very strange to know she is a smoker, because I've always imagined her as this "perfect" human being. I guess that's also part of her "real life" personality.

I also feel like I see glimpses of "real T" in session. She appears authentic to me and I like that she sometimes self-discloses (very carefully and strategically).

Another time I mentioned not too long ago I was going through a tough time time with my constant migraines and even seeing a neurologist because they were bothering me but she really wasn’t listening I thought wow.. Instead she focused about my medication instead how testy she got like well now this is how it’s going to be. I know like someone else mentioned there is a caring person there but instead she would rather be harsh rather than caring. I often wonder if I ran into somewhere how’d she react would she run the other way pretend she doesn’t see me and act like she doesn’t know me say hi hmm she’d probably ignore me because doesn’t want me to know her personal life even though I’ve kinda seen it through online stalking.

I'm not really sure how much of my "real" T I see in session. From working in an agency with a lot of T's, it seems to me that irl, they are much more judgemental and impatient. Not abnormally so, just more like the average person.

I have the sense that had our paths crossed in some other way we could be good friends. My T is smart and a bit of an academic. Our political and social beliefs align well, despite being unusual for this area. From how she briefly talks about her kids I get the sense that she allows her training to inform her parenting style. She has a good sense of humor when she lets it out.

My T has also disclosed that she and I can have similar thought patterns - she is inclined to anxiously obsess about (perceived or actual) criticism. She says she can be pretty self-critical too.

I very very rarely swear (but don’t care if others do and am in fact surrounded by it at work all the time). When T is pushing something, usually validating a feeling and trying to get me to feel it more, she sometimes swears seemingly without thinking about it (and apologizes when she realizes what she said, even though it’s never something extreme or crude).

We spend a lot of time with her telling me I’m not unique, even as she acknowledges my approach to life/people is unusual. From this I’ve learned that she is thoughtful and attentive to people all the time (though perhaps less than and/or differently from in session).

My favorite therapist decided to let down the Professional facade in our last session. It was much better. We talked like two great friends. I even got a short and ethical hug.

T is pretty consistent in therapy - attentive, doesn't move around much, takes a lot of notes. Regardless of all of that therapy stuff, T is easily bored - either has ADHD or is just restless.

Outside therapy, T is the drummer in a band that plays soul and rock. All of the band members are in their 60s. I get the impression T is fairly genuine in therapy and home. Married with grown kids.