In Session Today: Part IV

Yeah, that may be a bit of it. I haven’t done any behaviors in ages and he supports anything that doesn’t physically harm me. So he sometimes says that having the thoughts keeps me from other overwhelming feelings and from actually harming myself. Which is true! But perhaps I am looking for him to be a bit slower to acceptance and to see how the thoughts are difficult for me, too.

It’s such a difficult topic for me that we don’t often finish a conversation about it. We start it, and I freak out, and then the next time I refuse to continue the discussion.

Saw my T today after having to wait 9 days instead of the usual 7.

He asked me how my week had been. I mentioned I had written some things down for him to read later, but didn't want to discuss it right now.

After briefly discussing a few minor things that happened during the last week, we ended up getting into what he meant by a comment that he made a few weeks ago (that I had asked too much of many people in my life).

T thought it was best to cover it through talking about a specific situation, so he asked whether I had a recent example I could come up with. Since I could not, he suggested that a friend of mine who stopped talking to me almost completely after calling emergency services for me might be a good example.

We discussed for some time how we started talking to each other, how that friend more or less cheated on his girlfriend with me, and then stopped talking to me. We had covered that before, but we discussed it in more detail. T tried to guide me to understand the thought process of that guy, his motives and feelings. While I could understand that some people might have a reaction like this, I could not follow it emotionally. I couldn't really comprehend how some people might decide to hurt someone else intentionally.

Then, T mentioned that it's okay to be sad about what happened and that I could be sad, but still remember that it's okay that things happened this way. I tried to feel that, although I tried to not get overwhelmed by my emotions like I usually do (it was way too late into the session to have a meltdown). Due to that, my T asked me whether it just went in on one side and out the other, or whether I was actually trying. I reassured him that I did feel some stuff. Just not a whole lot.

When the session was over, I left, forgetting to give him my notes. Didn't feel brave enough to knock again to hand them over. After almost crying on the bus because I forgot about the notes, I ended up texting him whether I could send them to him by mail. He agreed to that, which made me feel much better.

I saw T for the second time this week today. That usually never happens, as I have once a week sessions and she's so busy that even if I wanted a second, she wouldn't have time for me. But I got in touch with her after a horrible argument with my (emotionally abusive) parents when they visited, asking if she had any openings at all to talk... it was a bit of an emergency session, I guess. T managed to squeeze me in. We mostly talked about the fight. How I felt about it, what happened, T validated me and assured me that what happened was not at all my fault. A lot came up about my feelings. How over my childhood, I'd slowly started to realize that my parents' behavior wasn't normal, and now that I'm out of the house I'm recognizing it for the abuse that it was. It was a really rough session. T was amazing, though, super responsive both verbally and emotionally (ex-T wasn't empathetic at all, we never really had truly deep/emotional conversations. She always just tried to give advice to fix my problem and then laugh it away or move on) and she even gave me a hug at the end.

Cross-posting Thursday's then yesterday's sessions here from LT's Dr. T thread (if you already saw them there, just ignore!)

T Thursday. I said I'd meant to ask him last session if he'd talked about the stone in his consulting group. T: "Yes, I was trying to figure out a good time to tell you about that, but we were on some other topics last session." Me: "No, that's fine, I just realized after session that you hadn't said anything. If you don't want to share any details that's OK." T: "I don't mind sharing." Me: "OK."

T: "First, I had to give a little background on you to the group, so they could more accurately assess what happened." Me: "Uh OK." T: "I told them how you had some boundary and attachment issues." Me: "You think I have boundary issues?" T: "Yes. You are often very affected by things I say, like they penetrate you in a way they wouldn't for most people." Me: "But I don't think of that as boundary issues, just being sensitive." T: "I would consider it a boundary issue, the letting things affect you, how you let what I or other people say to you penetrate the barrier. So the boundaries aren't as strong." (Me, in my head: "Stop saying 'penetrate'!")

Me: "But I thought setting strong boundaries was like, 'I'm not going to tell my mom about this because I know her reaction won't help me.'" T: "That's a behavior that's related to setting boundaries. But I'm talking about how what people say seems to penetrate and affect you." (Me: "I said stop saying that!") Me: "Um, OK, I guess it's just not what I think of as a boundary. So what did you discuss about the stone?"

I'm trying to recall what exactly T said here. He mentioned some questions that they asked him (I got the sense they spent a fair amount of time discussing it). Like one person asked if the intention had been for me to keep the stone just for the interview and then give it back. And T said (in the group) that we hadn't discussed that. I said to T that I had asked after if I could keep it a bit longer, and he said it was fine. I said my intention had been to hold onto it till I got news from the school, thinking it would take a week or two, not 2 months (which it ultimately did). I said how the note he'd written on the paper, I saw that as being interview-specific. And I reminded him that I'd said if he wasn't comfortable giving me a stone, he could have written note instead. T: "I had forgotten you gave me that option." Me: "And then you ended up doing both, which made me assume you were OK with it."

T: "It also occurred to me during the group--'Why do I have to explain why it makes me uncomfortable? Why isn't it enough to just say it makes me uncomfortable?'" Me: "Um...so you said that to them?" T: "Yes, and they agreed that I shouldn't have to explain to you why it made me uncomfortable." Me: ..."But I just wanted to understand?"

T: "Imagine you asked your neighbor or friend or uncle for something in their house, and they said no because it made them uncomfortable. You would just accept that and let it go, right?" Me: "Well, it depends on the person and the item. If it was my neighbor...well, I wouldn't really care. If it was my uncle and I wanted something that had sentimental value, but he said no, that would upset me. I might not push back, but I'd be upset and want to know why. Or if I wanted to borrow a book and they said no." T: "A book is a good example because it can be something personal, especially if it's on display." Me: "OK. Also don't ever let me borrow a book because I always forget to give them back." T: "But you did push back with me." Me: "Yes, but you're my therapist, it's different." T: "I don't think it's different." (Me, in my head: Then what am I paying you for?)

Me: "OK. So did you ask if any of them had given a client a transitional object before?" T: "No, I didn't ask them that." (Me, in my head, aaggghh, I thought that was one of the main points of bringing it up to them?)

I forget how we came around to this, but I think I was comparing myself to other clients? Yeah, I said I felt like an outlier among his clients. T: "Also, I don't feel I know you as well. You don't really talk about yourself that much." Me: "What????? I've shared a lot about myself. You know things about me that no one or else very few people know." T: "True, but compared to other clients, I don't have as much of a sense of your childhood or what's happening day to day in your life. When I look back at my session notes, they seem to be more about your relationship with me than about you specifically." Me: "Really? But I've spent lots of time talking about myself as well." T: "I just think you spend much more time and energy on the relationship than other clients." Me: "Well, yeah, but I till talk a lot about myself."

I told T I'd made appointment with p-doc in 2 weeks, did he want to talk to her? I could give permission. He said he would like to talk to her, that he trusted I'd be honest with her. but also how in prescribing medication, certain things work better for specific symptoms, so if he told her specific details about how he sees my OCD and anxiety affecting me, that could help her pick a med. Me: "You realize I've already tried like a dozen of them, right?" T: "Yes, you mentioned that." So I filled out the paperwork to let them talk.

We were talking about how my anxiety affects my relationships and interactions, how I'm always worried about what people are thinking of what I'm doing and saying. T: "This may upset you, LT, but once you walk out the door, I'm not really thinking back on our session. I mean, unless I realize I said something really stupid." Me: "Right, I mean, I know, you have to move on to your next client." T: "No, I don't mean because of that. It's that I don't think about the interaction that much, and I assume if there was some issue, a client would bring it to my attention and we could deal with it then." Me: "Right, I know you have to kind of compartmentalize in your job. And your clients spend more time thinking about you than you about them, because you have lots of clients."

T: "No, that's not what I mean. I'm not talking about in my role as a therapist. I mean in general. If I have an interaction with my neighbor, with my wife, with my son, when I walk out of the room, I'm not thinking about it anymore and wondering if they're upset with me." Me: "Oh, I see. While I do think about that stuff all the time, even just someone random I walk by on the street. And after I'm interacting with a friend or H." T: "Yes, that's what I'm referring to. That you use so much energy thinking about that. It makes me sad for you that you deal with so much anxiety." Me: "Um, thanks." T: "So one of my goals for you is for you not to think about that so much." Me: "Yes, I'd like that, too."

T: "What's that commercial they had with the red button?" Me; "The Staples Easy button?" T: "Yes, that. I'd like you to have something like that for worrying about interactions, that you could push it and not worry about it." Me: "When you talk to p-doc, tell her to go ahead and implant that when I see her." T laughed. "I don't think such a thing exists." Me: "I wish it did."

Confirmed Monday, scheduled for Thursday. T said he'd be out Monday and Tuesday of the following week, but if I wanted, I could see him Wednesday and Friday of that week so I'd still see him twice. I asked if i could decide later, and he said yes. I said how I kept getting anxious when i was time to schedule, thinking you'd say, "Right, next week is the start of my 4-week vacation." T: "I'd have to charge you and all my other clients 4 times what I currently charge you to afford that." Me: "And that would seem kind of wrong, charging us extra just so you could go on a nice vacation!"

The sky behind him was looking ominous the whole time. Near the end of session, the air conditioner kicked on. T said, "Did you hear that?" Me: "The AC?" T: "No, the thunder." Me: "Oh, no." [Rumble rumble] "OK, that I heard!" I commented on weather while paying, and he pulled up the weather on his phone, saying it looked like storms were north of us so I shouldn't get rained on when I leave. I said he says that, then I'll walk outside and it will be like "Gooossh!" (mimicking a downpour). T: "And then you'll be like 'Dr. T'!" (said in the way Jerry says "Newman!" on Seinfeld, complete with hand gesture.) I laughed. We shook hands, he said, "take care," I said, "You, too," then left.

Went someplace to do work for a while, thought I was OK, then had total meltdown in car ride home, and after getting home, which led to my e-mail and that I agreed to see T Friday morning, too.

Again, this is cross-posted, so just ignore it if you read other thread.
Warning: really long! T bonus session Friday morning. I got there a little early, got an iced tea (which I initially typed as "Iced T"!) at the coffee shop downstairs, went upstairs to his office to find waiting room door locked (was 8:20). I stood awkwardly in the hall for 5 minutes till T emerged from the elevator. He opened the door, took a few minutes to get things ready in there, then retrieved me (on time).

I sat down and said I felt like I probably shouldn't have taken this session, that I was sorry. T: "Why are you sorry? You certainly don't have to apologize to me for taking it." Me: "Yeah I guess you wouldn't have offered if it wasn't OK. I guess some people just said I shouldn't take it. Or that you shouldn't have offered it due to my boundary issues. And I feel I should have just waited till Monday." T: "It's OK that you're here." Me: "OK, thanks."

I said how I'd gone to do work in a coffee shop after session, that I was fine at first, but then on the way home I got really upset and stayed that way much of the night. And some of my thoughts were going to dark places. That I was doing better now, but those thoughts were what made me feel I should see him today, because they concerned me. T (in a really compassionate voice): "I'm really sorry you had such a tough night." Me: "Thanks."

T asked if there was something specific from last session that bothered me. I said part of it was when he was sharing what he'd told the consulting group about the stone, the way he'd characterized me. That he'd told them I had attachment and boundary issues. So I wondered...is that how he sees me, what he thinks of me? T: "I could see where you would think that. But no, that's not how I think of you. When I was sharing with the group, I had to give a bit of background, some context. I wouldn't have time to get into everything about you. Plus, the more information I give, the more chance you could be identifiable, like maybe you'd be in a PTA meeting with one of them and they could figure out it was you." Me: "OK, I understand."

T: "I also had to give a sense of what you're in therapy for, why you see me." Me: "OK, that makes sense. Like...maybe if I was here say,solely for grief counseling, they might interpret it differently." T: "That's a great example. Because then it could be more that the stone would be something you'd need just temporarily, then once you dealt with grief more, it might not be needed."

A lightbulb went off in my head. "OK, I think I just had a revelation. I know this isn't the same thing as grief, but...when I asked for the stone from you, I'd just terminated with ex-MC around that time. I know it's not the same as the grief example, but...maybe I was grieving that loss, and it's part of why the stone seemed so important to me." T: "Oh, I hadn't thought of that. It makes sense though. Why you would attach so much meaning to it. Hm."

Me: "Yeah, and then when you were bothered by it and I had to give it back...it felt like a rejection. And I'd already felt rejection from ex-MC." T: "Rejection...hm, I hadn't thought of it that way. I guess it could feel like a rejection." Me: "And also...going back to childhood stuff...it was like a rejection because I was feeling something that I wasn't supposed to feel. Like I wasn't supposed to be feeling connected to you." T: "Like I said in the one e-mail, it is OK to feel connected to me. We have a connection. We're sitting in this room together talking, so that makes us connected. And I'm vested in your well-being."

Me: "OK. But again, it felt like a rejection due to my feelings, like inappropriate feelings. Kind of like when ex-T admitted that she did hug some clients--yes I know you don't hug and that's fine--but then when I asked she told me she didn't hug me because I had some maternal transference. So it felt I was getting punished for it. And eventually she did hug me, but then it seemed all complicated because I didn't know how often it was OK to ask for a hug, like if it was a tough enough session. I actually kind of just prefer the regular handshake at the end, it's expected and simpler." T: "OK."

Me: "This all brings up how my mom would say certain feelings for people were inappropriate. Like, I couldn't have platonic feelings of caring for a male friend, it had to be more than that. Saying with my gay male boss from [mall store where I worked in high school/early college], that she didn't believe me when I said I wasn't in love with him (I wasn't!), that 'Methinks thou doth protest too much.'" T: "Wow, that's almost...diabolical. Making little digs like that, not believing you." Me: "Yeah...I wonder if that could be part of why I have trouble trusting my own feelings and thoughts? Because my mom didn't trust them?" T: "That could be." Me: "Hm..."

He said how it was clear I looked for approval from my mom (we'd discussed that before), that I tried to follow her rules. But it seemed like her rules were really complicated. I agreed. That I figured out "doing well in school" met her approval, but then I'd get a C in phys ed or chorus and felt that wasn't acceptable. Or how she wouldn't stop reminding me the one time I forgot to turn in a homework assignment. But then other stuff, I wasn't sure how to meet her expectations. Like she had some image of who I was supposed to be, and many things didn't fit that image, like my being an introvert. And I'd still try to meet her expectations, there, but... T said: "It was exhausting?" Me: "Yes."

He said how it would be interesting if "Little LT" could have had "Adult LT's" brain in her head and said certain things to my mom during childhood. Like how I'm an introvert so I handle things differently and explained all that, maybe it would have helped alter that part in the relationship. (I'm amused, picturing 4-year-old me saying that stuff.) T: "I hope at some point, maybe 6-12 months from now, you can be talking about your mom and say, 'What the F*** did she know???' And really mean it." Me: "Yeah it would be nice to be able to do that!"

He brought up core beliefs. He said he felt like a big thing for me is wanting to be fully understood and accepted by someone. That he'd been aware of that since his first session with me. Me: "Wow, really, you knew since then?" T: "Well, I think you mentioned something about it related to ex-MC." Me: "OK, that makes sense." T: "I got the sense the you felt ex-MC really understood you. And that had a strong effect on you." Me (starting to cry): "Yes, I felt really understood and accepted by him. Even him just saying something like 'It's OK' could really affect me. I guess because I didn't get that from my parents?" T: "Yes." Me: "It felt almost...intoxicating. Not sure if that's the right word." T: "No, that seems like the perfect word. Because if you missed it before, to get the feeling can be really powerful." Me: "It caused a physical reaction at times, too." T: "Yes, probably a huge rush of endorphins."

Me: "I think it's especially hard when I think someone really understands me, then something happens that makes me realize they don't." T: "That's very black and white thinking, that someone either understands you or doesn't." Me: "Yeah...I think some of that is what happened with the stone, where it felt like you were accepting and understanding in giving me that, then it turned out to be the total opposite." T: "I'd like to be able to get you to a place where it's not so black and white, how you can realize that someone can be very understanding about certain things, but maybe not other things. And that's OK." Me: "Yeah, it would be good to get to that place."

I said how maybe it helped him to understand more why I react this way, in explaining stuff from childhood. That I was sharing the source of my issues. T: "Yes, it's like your origin story, like the point where you were bitten by the radioactive spider." Me: "Except my superpower is wanting to be understood and accepted? That's not very useful!" We both laughed. T: "Yeah, kinda bad luck there, I guess!"

T said that I also seem to have an intense fear that people are angry at me, especially if they're angry but don't tell me. That I'll bend over backward to avoid that. Me: "Yeah, that is a big fear of mine. Hm...I wonder if part of my reaction to the stuff from yesterday could be related to your saying that...why couldn't I just accept your being uncomfortable with the stone? I think that made me wonder if maybe you were angry with me about that." T: "No I'm not angry or irritated with you at all about that. If you and I were friends, and something like this happened, and you kept pushing me to explain, then yes, I might get irritated. But this is therapy, and these are issues coming up that you need to work through. So it's different." Me: "OK, good. Plus, I guess...if you were angry at me, you'd tell me?" T: "Yes, exactly, I'd let you know." Me: "OK."

I said something else that bothered me from the previous session was his saying the he felt he didn't know me, that I didn't talk enough about myself. Me: "Yes, we talk a lot about the relationship, but that also gives you lots of clues about me, how I interact with you." T: "True, it does." Me: "I hope you realize that so much of this, the way I react to things you say and do, isn't really about you--it's about stuff from my past." T: "Yes, but some of the times before when we've discussed it, it's been more about the present, like about our relationship. But I feel like today, we're digging deeper into the past stuff. Like, in my notes for today, I'd say we talked about your mom and childhood, not about our relationship." Me: "Oh OK. So we should be doing more of that, delving into past stuff, like if I'm triggered by something with you." T: "Yes."

I said how I'd heard a rupture that's repaired can make a relationship stronger. T agreed and said not just about therapy, but with friendships, marriages. But how ruptures that aren't repaired leave a wound that affects the relationship. And he gets the sense I have many of those with my mom. I said yes.

I noticed we were almost out of time. I said I had one insight from being awake at 4 a.m. that I wanted to mention really quickly, that we could address in a future session. That I wondered if his implying I should give back the stone was kind of like my mom taking away a toy when I expressed an OCD-related fear (that food had gone bad). Like something was being taken away because of mental health issues. T found that interesting. I said I guessed there was a lot of stuff that came up today that needed further exploration, and he agreed.

T: "I think this was a very productive session. I'm glad you came in today." Me: "I'm glad I did, too."

It was 9:25. We didn't need to schedule, so I just went over and paid. Shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend." Me: "You too."

Hi LT!
I'm a bit uncomfortable with your T. He seems to be pushing his own interpersonal ethics onto you and I'm not sure he has the right to do that, any more than he has a right to sell his religion.

I'd go, "You say it's bad manners for me to ask for a reason. I say it's bad manners for you not to answer my question. And more importantly, in therapy I should be free to say anything I like. Otherwise I'll clam up and we won't get anywhere."

t wants me to apply for obamacare so I can pay for my invega until I get health insurance thru my employer

he said I need to do something quickly because these things take time to sort out

I said... that's a lot of money ($170/mo). he said yes but it's better than going off your medication and ending up in the hospital

later in the session I talked about being devoid of all positive emotions. not enjoying things ever and not even really enjoying being around other ppl

t said that might be my meds. I thought (to myself) so why is it so importAnt that I keep taking invega if it makes me horribly depressed. I've told t before if I had to choose... I would choose psychosis anyday over depression.

t also said that I probably have brain damage from my heavy drug abuse.

I told him the anhedonia is a huge trigger for me to use drugs. I sAid "I'm bored!!!!!"

I felt anxious around t during session. I didn't feel it was going well. I felt that t was sitting too close to me and staring at me. I wanted to hide

t asked the question he asks when he doesn't know what to do anymore... "how can I help you"

I said idk of course.

t looked at me and said "what happened to you is not okay". I said that doesn't even matter. he said why not. I said because it doesn't change anything. he said he thinks I need to hear that and really accept it. and heal.

he said yes it's not fair

I felt mad and said so. I said fck it fck you and fck all this. time was up. t looked scared

I had been holding a book the whole session that I grabbed from his waiting room.. I wanted out of there so left quickly with the book still in my hand. when I walked thru the waiting room a guy that I know from game night was trying to say hi to me. I said hi but he prob didn't hear me. I walked out with the book in my hand

I'll just put it back on the table next time.

I opened the session by informing the therapist that she makes me angry when she says I've been abused. I noticed throughout the session that this information had no effect. She continued to insist I had been abused, even after I told her she seemed fixated on abuse. She also called me abusive towards C. All of this really angered me, but she was unphased. She wanted to know why I was so angry at C. I tried to explain. I don't feel she understands. I also told her that C has way too many emotions and they are very messy. The therapist didn't understand and I did not want to give too much away. I didn't want to say that C is too needy and has major attachment issues. That might have clued the therapist in too much that C is attached to her, and I don't want her knowing that. So the therapist ended up thinking I was just talking about C's depression, which she blames me for, apparently. The therapist thinks I'm going to ruin C's chances of becoming friends with the new roommate. I told her I don't want friends, but I'm not going to do anything to stop her. I don't think she believed me. The therapist quite clearly dislikes me and favors C. It's not fair.

I was also tricked into telling the therapist something embarrassing about C, and now I regret it. I'm thinking about sending an angry text or two (or three or ten).

I hate the new waiting room, and mildly hate the new office. It isn't T. He's renting the room from another therapist. The other therapist has great taste in furniture, though. The couch is very comfortable.

At the beginning of the session he asked if anything of note happened during the last week. Had I needed to take my new PRN? I said that I had but I wasn't interested in talking about it.

"We had discussed continuing EMDR last week. Should we dive into that?"
"Yes, EMDR."
"Are you excited about the EMDR or are you just avoiding the other thing?"
"Why not both?"

So we did EMDR. That took up most of the session. We closed my first incident, which feels nice.

After that I talked to him about positive reinforcement and authenticity. I've felt recently his praise of me has been hollow. We talked about that a bit.

There were about 15 minutes of session left and nothing to discuss. I looked at my watch, then out the massive floor to ceiling windows behind T's chair.

"What are you thinking about, Daisy?"
"Nothing. I'm distracted by out there. There are people."
"You're not distracted. You're avoiding. Are you ready to talk about the thing?"

I told him no, that it wasn't important. He said my feelings about whatever it was were important. I said sure, but I couldn't discuss it with him. He asked why not. I said it involved him. That I hate the internet. I was looking for his new address and found something else distressing. But after reflection, it wasn't important. We've developed a good working relationship, and I wasn't going to jeopardize that. I came in. It's done.

"Good job for coming in? I think? Is there something wrong with the building?"
"No. It involves your other place of employment."
He paused, obviously trying to put the puzzle together, before finally muttering an "okay."
"Look. I'm done. I don't want to discuss this again."

Discussed a couple of logistic items, and then wished him an enjoyable vacation. I'm glad that there's a week off. I didn't feel well heard in our conversation about positive reinforcement and I was very upset that he pushed me about something that I didn't want to discuss.

T hinted at his age and it kinda freaked me out. I don't want to know! It's one piece of info I don't need or want, it can only lead to negative things

T said "part of T1's abuse was to invite you to love him, then reject your love."

Spot on.

That's eloquent. I'm so sorry you were in such poor hands before.

Agreed that it's very eloquent. And makes me think of ex-MC...

Today, I started my second week of trying to take responsibility for and "contain" my emotions that well up in therapy, and make me scared and feel exposed when the session ends and I need to return to real life.

Over the years, I've protested the strictness of your boundaries and pinwheeled through many responses, overtures, negotiations, and for a long time not understood the whole ethos behind the strict frame. Since none of that budged you or really did more than get you to raise your right eyebrow in this expressive way you do, I finally at long-length gave up.

Now what I do is take the elevator down to the lobby, and sit quietly looking at your name plate near the statue of the tall ship, and think about how you are my psychologist and not a friend, coach, teacher, professor, lover, husband , or sibling , and find a way to value that, your singular role. It helps to see all the professional offices together; it helps with perspective.

All of a sudden, some gratitude reached me- I realized you never reschedule, are never late, are always imaginative and quick-witted in a way that sits right with me as far as joked go, you understand me and the life I live inside with its monster person and its many beauties.

I hope I can keep this, this feeling of luckiness for finding you instead of deprivation for the times you are off limits to me . I need to keep this feeling that within two sessions a week you are changing things, changing me, for the better, and you just won't be one of the men in my experience to waver. You made me cry with what you said, but different textured tears, tears new to me and healing ones. I said my stats are pretty bad as far as prognosis goes, and you said you were never any good at statistics, and that together we will never ever ever ever let the monster beat us. I felt this iron commitment from you to me, that doesn't express itself in privileges or getting to text, but it in how you didn't go away for the holiday and you haven't missed even one session since Christmas.

This sounds like a profound realization. Also, I love the phrase "different textured tears."

You said earlier (here or another thread) He seems to have some fear that I will feel the same about him as I do about T1.

I wonder if he also has some fear that he will feel the same about you as T1 did, which was polluted with mixed messages--leading you on, shutting you down, and then the grand finale of trying to woo you back. It would be a big enough fear to create a kind of barrier, something to make him pause or retreat. At its heart, it's not a fear about attraction, but a fear about manipulation for his own gain or benefit.

That's an interesting point. We were talking about dual relationships and he said "I'm going to say it...that applies to us too". (I'm not sure exactly to what he was referring but I'm going to assume it's that we work in the same field in a relatively small community).
I said "the difference is, I trust you.". Then he said "Oh... I think I just got closer to what is happening for me, because my first thought was 'You trusted T1 too, until you didn't'" We went on to discuss the difference between earned trust (for T) and naive trust that T1 would be trustworthy because he's a therapist.
So maybe this is about trust and although I trust him completely, I suppose he could be struggling with self-trust.

That was sometimes my experience, but I always assumed I had some kind of attachment disorder...

We started off discussing my week, which was: everything's stupid, my supervisor for my thesis didn't do his job, our neighbor (who's also the janitor) doesn't do her job properly and on top of that T is going on his longest vacation since I've started seeing him.

I had to decide which of the topics we'd focus on, so I chose him being gone for so long. I said I was scared that he'd not come back. He asked whether I wasn't scared of being so dependent on someone? Me: "No, why would I be?" - "Because you're not living your own life, you let it be dictated by other people". He said the goal would be that I'm independent and don't need him (or anyone else for that matter). We discussed some strategies to handle my feelings during the weeks where he'd be gone. Which was actually me listing all the things that everyone always recommends and then saying that I already know all this stuff, I just struggle with applying it.

Somehow we got to the point where I was switching through three or four emotions constantly and couldn't concentrate. T asked me to try and stay with them, which I did, but whenever I concentrated on one feeling, it would immediately change. I said I had trouble doing that. He said he felt the same way.

Around this point I started crying. My nose decied to start bleeding and I had nosebleed until I left, when it suddenly stopped again. Had about 5 tissues soaked in blood at some point, but T didn't even comment on it.

At some point of trying to sit with an emotion, I started getting angry at T. I said he didn't want me to come back or to share stuff with him. I should be independent, not need him and just leave. What point was there even in talking to him about anything? "Is that the way you interpreted what I said before?" Yes, that's what he said. He said that wasn't what he said. That I was a specialist in provoking people to get mad and then when they do get mad, I'm like "okay, you apparently want me to leave forever". He said someone getting angry is normal in some situations and that it doesn't mean that people can't talk to each other or like each other anymore. That sometimes he's annoyed with me, but that he knows that that's okay and normal and that he doesn't hold it against me. That he still likes working with me. And that he'd be very sad if I just suddenly left. That he knew I wasn't okay and that it would bother him if he couldn't help me. He probably said more, but I had trouble remembering what he said after the session (normally I can write about 3 pages on my sessions in my journal, this time it was much less).

Then he mentioned I hadn't looked at him in months, in a very sad voice. I said that wasn't true... he agreed that okay, I looked at him maybe once every three sessions. He said he still feels like he's doing something wrong. That communicating with each other is easier when you look at each other, that you can see what the other person feels. Whether I would want to look at him or sit up straight, it might help with my feelings? I said okay I can look at you, but I'm for sure not going to sit upright. Took a minute or two starring at his feet and knees, then I looked at his face for a second. Got scared and looked away. He said to ignore the part that tells me this is not good or okay. Just ignore it and do it again. Which I tried and it worked very well! I managed to look at him for the rest of the time while he explained some things related to the stuff before.

Then we had to say good bye. He told me again from when to when he'd be gone and when we'd see again and I left.

My T pushes me quite a bit, but he is always very calm, considered and warm about it. He also has a very reassuring voice. Today was one of my most difficult sessions ever.

Me: I’m very fond of you, I like you and I trust you. I think we’d probably be friends if we met in the real world.

T: I feel exactly the same way, but we have already established this quite a while ago. We’re past that point now. What I’m wondering is, what is keeping you from showing anger in this room?

Me: But there’s no reason for me to be angry with you.

T: Isn’t there?

Me: Well, I don’t see the point

T: Those answers mean two very different things

Me: I mean I would rather not be angry

T: It sounds to me like you are forcing yourself to make a choice, and you are choosing the safer option. What is it that you are afraid of?

Me: *silent*

T: *very gently* Say it

Me: You.

T: With everything that has happened to you, that makes perfect sense. I want to tell you something, and you might not hear me right now, but I want you to know that I am here and I can hold your anger and not retaliate. I will be here to listen to everything you need to say.

Me: *silent, head down and using all my energy to hold back tears*

T: If they need to come out, let them out.

We’ve never discussed my general fear of men and it looks like that’s where we are heading next.

The week’s session was one of those that stirs up a lot to process afterward.

We talked about the clarity of being away from home and what it’s like to come back. For me, this inertia sets in, I feel like I am moving through glue. There’s a lack of clarity, and also the inertia muffles the grief.

I told her about my dream, about answering her: I don’t think I remember how to be taken care of. I was shaking.

We talked about caring for others and putting one’s own need aside to meet greater needs from others. I’m still not sure how I think or feel about this discussion.

I said, I heard myself saying at my last session, I want to live a joyful life.
But when t asked me whether I can live a joyful life where I am now, I dithered. I made excuses. I couldn’t (wouldn’t?) say it.
Finally she said it for me: You cannot live a joyful life this way.
I am so grateful, grateful to tears that she said it for me. It’s true.
Then all of the yuck surfaced. I heard myself saying: It feels like I am not trying hard enough. I should just find the joy. I need to be content with the joy there is to be found. I should be able to reframe, shift my perspective so that I can be what my family needs me to be.

Will cross-post in LT's Dr. T thread.

T Thursday. I'd gotten new tires the day before, and they'd seemed a little weird driving home that day, but I just figured was my car adjusting. However, on the 15-minute ride to T's, my steering wheel was shaking violently, and my car just felt like it was about to fall apart when I went above 40 mph (much of the ride there is highways). I was scared they'd screwed something up and that the tires were just going to come off my car. Feared I'd either get in an accident or that my car would just die and I wouldn't make it to T's. And he was about to go out of town, so it made things feel more urgent.

Made it there (a couple minutes late), and was kind of shaking walking into his office. I shared with him what had happened with the car, he seemed empathetic, and I commented how I'd been anxious about session anyway. T: "Why were you anxious?" Me: "Because you're going out of town." T: "Oh."

Talked more about car thing and the restaurant/bar where I'd waited while they worked on it day before. I mentioned I'd walked there, and T was like, "Wow! That's like a mile!." Me: "No it's not...maybe a half mile?" T: "But you walked there along the road?" Me: "Well, there were big grassy areas next to it, so I walked on those." T: "But still!" Me: "Yeah. Also, that reminds me, I went on a walk around the neighborhood a couple days ago. It was hot, and I was only going to do one loop, but then... I was feeling good and decided to do another loop." T: "How did it turn out?" Me: "Well, I took a bit of a shortcut near the end, but still did most of it. It was just weird, because I felt good. I wondered if you or H had sprinkled athlete powder in my water." T laughed and said, "Well that sounds like a good thing." I mentioned I got really itchy afterward, and how that often happened when I exercised. T: "Can you be allergic to your own sweat? Is that a thing?" Me: "Actually, some people can be. But there's also exercised-induced urticaria, which I think I have. Like caused by histamines. Because it also happens if I do yoga or something, where I'm not sweating much." T: "Huh."

T: "So how is that [restaurant where you went while they did your tires]? I've driven past it a bunch but haven't gone it." I gave brief positive review. Car thing came up again. T: "I was trying to talk about other things to distract you." Me: "Thanks, I think it helped." T: "This is probably a bad comparison, but often if you're feeling a certain way, you can get stuck in that, like a computer having a certain window up. So it's hard to change to feeling another way." Me: "Is it like the other windows are minimized?" T: "No, because then you could open them quickly. This is more like they're closed. So it's much easier to stay with what you're feeling. Like if you're anxious. And I was trying to draw you out of that. " Me: "Thanks. It helped some"

I had coughed a couple times and told him, "This is from allergies and anxiety, I'm not sick" (since I didn't want him to not shake my hand at end). He said, "OK." Then I cleared my throat. T: "Why are you clearing your throat?" Me: "Uh, because I had to clear my throat?" T smiled and said, "I know, I was just messing with you." I smiled.

Me: "So I feel like this is really silly. But I see p-doc next week for the first time in a long time." T: "Oh that reminds me, I talked to her briefly this morning" (I'd recently given them permission to talk about me). Me: "Oh? Can I ask what you talked about?" T: "One thing I said is that I think she should see you more frequently till you can get some of the OCD symptoms more under control." Me: "Um, OK."

Me: "So OK the other thing with p-doc is...this probably seems so silly. But, it will be the first time since I've terminated with ex-MC that I'll be turning into that parking lot (she's in a different building in same complex). And I know, you're right across the street, so it's not like I haven't passed the parking lot and building. But I'm still afraid that turning into it will affect me." T: "That's not silly. LT, loss doesn't have a timeline." Me: "OK, thanks. You mean like grieving a death?" T: "Yes, like that, random things can make you think of the person or feel sad. It's normal." Me: "OK, that makes me feel better" (also thinking, "Good, he finally seems to be classifying leaving ex-MC as a loss, with me grieving it.")

Then I said I'd struggled with figuring out what to schedule for next week. And I was sorry about the e-mail to change the times, that I worried it was annoying. And, while waiting for him to reply to my scheduling request, I considered writing back and saying "never mind, just keep it as it was," but figured that would be even *more* annoying. T said that wasn't an issue, it wouldn't have been annoying--well, unless I did it for every single appointment--andthat scheduling e-mails don't even really register for him as e-mails.

I said I was annoying myself. That I hated that I felt unable to stick with a decision. How, I thought this was an OCD thing, but sometimes it feels like I have to pick the exact right time for a session. T: "What do you mean? What do you think would happen if you picked the wrong one?" Me: "Well, switching to Wednesday, I'd worry that you were just back from your trip, so maybe you'd be tired or off your game. Or what if you or me or D was sick that day, so you'd have to cancel, but then the next day would have worked?" (Which led to my confirming that, if it was an occasional thing, he wouldn't charge me for calling out sick. He said he wouldn't charge me if it was a one-time thing or, like, once every 30 sessions. Only if part of a pattern, where it seemed like I didn't care at all about his time.)

I said how it wasn't just about scheduling sessions. That I was that way with, say, picking out a restaurant for lunch with my friend, doing tons of research. How I thought of all the ways it could go wrong. T said it sounds like I worry so much about the future, that I'm not living in present. I said yes, plus thinking about the past. T said maybe what I should focus on is being more in the present. Me: "So how do I do that exactly?"

T started talking about different ways to stay more present, and I suddenly started crying. T: "What's going on? Why are you upset?" Me (not being entirely truthful): "I think I'm just still stressed about the car thing." T: "OK, I can understand that." (It was really more about his going out of town, but I was afraid to talk about it because of how it had gone last time he'd been out of town, back in February.)

Talked about my trying to read into what people are doing, like hypervigilance. I said, for example, part of why I was concerned he was annoyed at me for sending the e-mail confirming schedule change was that he just replied with "Correct" followed by a period. That generally he uses exclamation points in those sorts of e-mails. But that I realized he probably was just in the middle of something, and he was just typing quickly, so it probably didn't mean anything. He said I was right, that there was no hidden meaning behind it.

I said sometimes I read into how he ends sessions, since he says all different things as his parting words. With ex-MC, he nearly always said "It was good to see you" when he shook our hands, so the times he didn't say that, my mind would automatically go to "Was it not good to see us this time?" T: "Wow." Me: "Yeah, I know, it probably didn't mean anything then." T: "I feel bad that you have so many thoughts like that in your mind." Me: "Thanks? Yeah, I wish I didn't think that way."

We were at 25 after. T pulled out his phone. Me: "I thought we'd already confirmed the scheduling?" T: "Yes, but I just like to confirm at the end." Me: "OK." He confirmed the next week ones (Wed. and Fri.), and I went over to pay. Me: "So...will you be checking e-mail while you're out?" T: "I have no one covering my messages, so that means I'll be checking a couple times a day." Me: "OK, good. I mean, I'll try not to email, but...And what do you mean about someone covering your messages?" T: "If I couldn't be checking email, I'd have to have another therapist checking my messages, or else it would be client abandonment." Me: "Really? OK."

We shook hands as T said, "Stay in the present." I said "I'll try." I turned to leave, and he said, "And good luck with the car." Me: "Thanks. And...uh, have fun? wherever you're going or doing."

Because of our very heavy session yesterday, T asked me if he could do a phone check-in today. I said yes. Here’s part of the conversation

T: How are you doing after yesterday’s session?

Me: tired, but okay.

T: Based on my experience, that is EmeraldHeart speak for “I feel horrible but I will pretend like everything is peachy”. Is that accurate at all?

Me: *pause* 100% accurate, yes.

T: I could feel you rolling your eyes through the phone.

Me: again, 100% accurate

T: I know that since we opened this box, things will be difficult for you for a while. If things get too much, please consider reaching out and contacting me. I also think it would be helpful if we continued to explore this next week when we meet. Is that okay?

Me: What if I said no?

T: If you say no, then I will say it’s okay. It’s always your choice. But I will wonder what’s keeping you from talking about this with me and see if we can try and get past it.

Me: Well I’m not someone who gives up easily

T: I know. That’s why I try to push. Gently but persistently.
——————-
Ugh. Therapy is hard you guys

It’s like pulling teeth with my therapist when it comes to scheduling appointments.

Her: I really don’t have anything this week.

Me: you don’t have anything? I don’t need a full session

Her: no. I don’t.

Me: even 15 minutes?

Her: I can see you for half an hour on Wednesday.

If you had an opening why in the world did you go on for 2 minutes how you didn’t have anything available? Maybe if you had called me back when I had first called you, 3 weeks ago I wouldn’t be so upset.