[dalila]

<font color="green"> Like most of you, I have the extreme abandonment fears and even though I believe intellectually that my therapist is not gonna abandon me.... but the fear is so intense, the past has been so predictable that I find it impossible to believe she is not going to become fed up with me. Ok that triggered the panic but good. sigh.

It feels like being caught between a rock and a hard place. If I admit my fears I might hurt her feelings or our relationship but if I don't, we can never work on the problem. And all the while panic churns in my guts.

Why do I feel so fearful, ashamed and frightened about needing her? Why does it seem that I need her so much? </font>

[Mouse_]

.....because proberbly when younger it did feel frightening and fearful and shameful to need someone. The trouble with stuff that happened in our childhood is that the fears we had around that then were the fears that were normal for a child to feel. Now as adults we think we shouldn't be feeling this way, but this way comes from another time and live as unresolved energy inside us until we voice our fears and re-live them and see even IF were abandoned or rejected NOW that it wouldnt be the same. We'd survive but we need to experience that in the here and now. Once you've voiced these fears with your T you will see who you are today and understand why you were so afraid then. We forget we weren't adults with our inner child back then.

[Perna]

As you recognize, it is good to "trigger the panic". You have to be aware of something before you can do anything with it.

I mostly thought of my intense feelings as "being along for the ride" in my relationship with my T. Feelings change over time as other things get resolved. I don't think you'll ever stop "loving" your T or being appreciative of the work you and she are doing together but think of a teacher or other adult you loved in elementary school and how you think of her now? Anyone who "cares" for us we are positively attached to -- parents, husbands, good friends, therapists. As you become emotionally better able to care for yourself, you won't have such an intense attachment to your therapist.

[RACEKA]

I am feeling the same way. This week I realized T is my lifeline. I'm debating whether to talk to him about this in session tomorrow. I need him so bad right now.

I am also panicky and afraid for feeling this way.

Dalila,
I am right in the middle of this issue with my T. I have the same feelings of attachment to him and I was devastated when he told me that we would never see each other as friends after therapy ended. I don't think he realized how upset I would get. He tells me that it comes from my past and that we needed to work on it together. He actually called me this afternoon to say that and to see how I was doing. It is painful, and I know going through this is going to be extremely difficult. Unfortunately, sometimes the only way is through. Take care. You are not alone.

[dalila]

<font color="green">I feel so strange reading Perna's post, I sat here and thought and thought and I can not recall caring for a teacher or anyone but my dad like that or like I feel about my T.

My mother nearly killed me before my second birthday. I was saved by my dad but then placed with my godparents who were perverts until I was 5. I suppose I was a strange child.

I love my T but I am afraid that I care too much... I am not used to feeling so intensely. I still rarely feel anger - most of the time I have maybe two emotions: fear, neediness or nothingness. I dunno if shame is a feeling, for me it was a state of being. Now I feel flooded with emotions and I cling to my therapist as place of safety and sanity.

Thanks for listening, thanks for caring and y'all did help. I jkust feel overwhelmed and confused and scared. </font>

[Perna]

There you have it; your T is like your father to you. The smaller the "hoard" of care we have, the more we think that's all there is out there and are afraid it will disappear. That's an illusion; there's an infinite amount out there and all we have to do is learn to "access" it. You were never taken to the store to get fresh, new eggs so you cling to a rotten one (rotten over time and failure of anyone to show you how to nourish yourself with it when it was good and then go get more).