[Merope]

I've posted about this before so apologies for being repetitive, but today feels particularly hard to deal with and I'm really, really anxious. A few weeks ago I was snooping on the internet and I found out that my T *might* be moving to a new country. I say *might* because what I found out wasn't directly about him, but about his partner. I can't directly ask him about it because I'm really ashamed of having snooped and I'd feel bad bringing up his partner in session (he doesn't disclose much and I don't think he'd appreciate my cyberstalking).

Finding this out has pushed me to admit I see him as a father figure and I spoke about my fear of abandonment. He reassured me that he doesn't feel like he can't help me and ever since then he hasn't mentioned anything about leaving. He's also still taking new patients, so I'm hoping that even if he will be moving with his partner, he won't do so straight away.

I'm going through a really, really, really rough patch at the moment and the idea of not having weekly appointments with him make me so anxious, my stomach feels like it's going to drop out. I know that being too attached to him isn't exactly healthy, but at the moment he really is my rock. I haven't disclosed the extent of my attachment, but I guess he can tell. I'm worried that he might turn around next week and drop the "by the way, I'm leaving" bomb and I won't be able to deal with it. I don't want another therapist (I realize this makes me sound super childish). I think I'll give up therapy altogether if he leaves. I thought he'd be with me long term. I don't want the pattern to repeat again: me getting attached to someone and them leaving mewhen I need them most. I can't do it again.

The only glimmer of hope I'm getting is that he's still taking on new patients and he hasn't mentioned anything about leaving. Surely is his departure would be two months away he wouldn't start with new patients, right? Or maybe I'm just kidding myself.

This whole thing is making me super anxious and I don't know how to deal with it.

[SalingerEsme]

This is so tough. I have to hope he is a responsible T, and would prepare you in plenty of time in a full process . If he knows but isnt telling that he plans to move after being told you're afraid he will abandon you, that would speak poorly of him. Could he have broken up with his partner?

That is a tough one. Personally, rather than sit and stress over it, I would bring it up, even if just mentioning that you are afraid he is going to leave you and bringing up the attachment stuff. I do that frequently and it helps a lot. This is obviously stressful for you and worth talking about.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

This is so tough. I have to hope he is a responsible T, and would prepare you in plenty of time in a full process . If he knows but isnt telling that he plans to move after being told you're afraid he will abandon you, that would speak poorly of him. Could he have broken up with his partner?

Thank you. I hope so too. I don't think they are breaking up. I think it's likelier that they may do long distance/ he may go at a later date. I can't really know...and sadly there isn't a way to ask unless I reveal my creepy internet habits which I'm really not ready to do.

[DP_2017]

I can relate to this, I'm not much for attaching to people but I have this time and it's very intense and the fear of him leaving is constantly there and I don't even have a reason to really think it like you.. he has to reassure me often and I refuse to leave weekly and go longer between etc. he knows I'm strongly attached.

I nearly had a meltdown when he was on a weekend trip in another state, didn't even effect my sessions but I was terrified he would die or just never come back. I was sick all weekend, it was awful, so I completely get it

I also wont see any other T so I get that

I've been honest about googling my T but he has also told me I could. I guess, you could always just say "I'm worried about you leaving me, is there any trips or any big reasons you would need to be away in the next few months?" I literally ask this every month or so.

Good luck. It's awful

[Merope]

Originally Posted by besidemyselvez

That is a tough one. Personally, rather than sit and stress over it, I would bring it up, even if just mentioning that you are afraid he is going to leave you and bringing up the attachment stuff. I do that frequently and it helps a lot. This is obviously stressful for you and worth talking about.

Trust me, I really want to do that. I want to tell him I'm getting attached to him/therapy. It took me about five months to muster up the courage to tell him I have paternal transference.

How did you go about it the first time around? How did your therapist react (if you don't mind me asking)?

[Merope]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I can relate to this, I'm not much for attaching to people but I have this time and it's very intense and the fear of him leaving is constantly there and I don't even have a reason to really think it like you.. he has to reassure me often and I refuse to leave weekly and go longer between etc. he knows I'm strongly attached.

I nearly had a meltdown when he was on a weekend trip in another state, didn't even effect my sessions but I was terrified he would die or just never come back. I was sick all weekend, it was awful, so I completely get it

I also wont see any other T so I get that

I've been honest about googling my T but he has also told me I could. I guess, you could always just say "I'm worried about you leaving me, is there any trips or any big reasons you would need to be away in the next few months?" I literally ask this every month or so.

Good luck. It's awful

I'm sorry this is so tough for you! I wish this weren't so awkward for me to bring up...I mean if a psychologist can't deal with it then nobody can, right? How did your therapist react to the first time you revealed you are attached?

[stopdog]

If it was me, I would go see another one. For me, seeing two (sometimes interviewing more) at a time made a world of difference. I found those guys were fairly interchangeable and that it was useful to have one who was not awful at some things and another who was not awful with other things. I think having back-ups/spares/choice is good.

Originally Posted by Merope

Trust me, I really want to do that. I want to tell him I'm getting attached to him/therapy. It took me about five months to muster up the courage to tell him I have paternal transference.

How did you go about it the first time around? How did your therapist react (if you don't mind me asking)?

It took me a while to muster up the courage but with therapy I made myself a rule: If I am intentionally avoiding a subject, that probably means it's important for me to talk about regardless of how she reacts. Usually I will even state that whatever I am feeling or doing has feelings of shame/embarrassment attached to it and discuss that feeling first. That doesn't make it easy but it helps and talking about this stuff has relieved some of the stress and taken some of the guesswork out of my relationship with her which has helped me put the focus on my actual issues instead of on what is going on in that room. I started with little things and she handled them beautifully, she was kind and patient and normalized everything I was feeling.That has made it a lot easier to come to her with the bigger things.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by stopdog

If it was me, I would go see another one. For me, seeing two (sometimes interviewing more) at a time made a world of difference. I found those guys were fairly interchangeable and that it was useful to have one who was not awful at some things and another who was not awful with other things. I think having back-ups/spares/choice is good.

I wish I could, but sadly I can't afford more than one session a week.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Merope

I'm sorry this is so tough for you! I wish this weren't so awkward for me to bring up...I mean if a psychologist can't deal with it then nobody can, right? How did your therapist react to the first time you revealed you are attached?

Completely ok with it, just said its normal. Actually I used the word "Bond" I said I feel like I have a kinda big emotional bond with you... then he was like "attachment is normal" so he took the word and used it... then a month or two later we had been talking about "bond" again he outright told me "You are my most strongly attached client" and reassured me its ok and he's fine with it but just was saying most clients have a lot of support outside sessions, I don't so it made sense to him why the attachment was so strong, that was about 5 months ago and its even worse now, yay! LOL

[Merope]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Completely ok with it, just said its normal. Actually I used the word "Bond" I said I feel like I have a kinda big emotional bond with you... then he was like "attachment is normal" so he took the word and used it... then a month or two later we had been talking about "bond" again he outright told me "You are my most strongly attached client" and reassured me its ok and he's fine with it but just was saying most clients have a lot of support outside sessions, I don't so it made sense to him why the attachment was so strong, that was about 5 months ago and its even worse now, yay! LOL

Ah, I like that. I feel like "bond" would make me cringe a little less than "attach" if I were to disclose. I definitely don't have much support in real life, so I guess it's normal. Given how ok he was with the fact that I have paternal transference, I really hope he'll be ok with me "bonding". Thank you for this, DP! x

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Merope

I wish I could, but sadly I can't afford more than one session a week.

What if you saw each one every other week - so two weeks a month for one and two weeks a month for the other?

Maybe you could just partially disclose and tell him you've been having thoughts or fears about him leaving or feeling anxious or worried about the therapy relationship ending.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by stopdog

What if you saw each one every other week - so two weeks a month for one and two weeks a month for the other?

I haven't thought of that. It's a good idea...I think that if he tells me that he'll leave soon, I'll start to look for/see another therapist before termination just so that I don't end up without any support.

[DP_2017]

OP

Yep, no problem. Bond is a good, I felt less weird saying it too, I just laughed that he always said attached back to me. Kinda like how recently I gave him a note saying I have uncomfortable feelings for him similar to how I feel about my dogs but I would not say specifically and he was like "Love feelings and caring are normal" and now says love often in our chats, it makes me cringe LOL I still can't say it out loud.

Good luck with it when you share, your T seems good about things so far

[LonesomeTonight]

Does he know you're on PC? One way I've brought things up before is saying that I read someone's post on here and it made me worry about x. You don't even need to name the site, can just say a forum about therapy. Like you could say you'd read a thread about another client's T who moved away or retired. You could even ask something like, "If you were to move or retire, how much notice would you give clients?"

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Does he know you're on PC? One way I've brought things up before is saying that I read someone's post on here and it made me worry about x.

I have done this too LOL

My T got to the point where he was like "Their experiences are not ours, you need to just worry about what we do." However he is completely ok with asking questions I find off line, he just doesn't want me in a panic that everything will happen to me as well.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I have done this too LOL

My T got to the point where he was like "Their experiences are not ours, you need to just worry about what we do." However he is completely ok with asking questions I find off line, he just doesn't want me in a panic that everything will happen to me as well.

I'm tempted, LOL. I haven't mentioned I'm on here to him, but maybe I should.

I think T’s know they are going to be “cyber stalked.” How could they not expect this? I do this before signing on—I check Facebook and LinkedIn, and google him/her.

I would just bring it up and find out what is going on.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by key tones

I think T’s know they are going to be “cyber stalked.” How could they not expect this? I do this before signing on—I check Facebook and LinkedIn, and google him/her.

I would just bring it up and find out what is going on.

I wish I had your courage lol. I'm naturally awkward and I know that even if I tell myself I'll do it, by next week when he's seated before me, analyzing me like a hawk, I'll chicken out. I have issues with revealing stuff that I think would present me in a negative light....the idea of rejection/abandonment is very debilitating.

Hmm, I see. Well, therapy is supposed to help you...it’s all about you. Now you have something you’re worrying about, and the source is your T!

I think you do need to do something about it. Maybe you could leave a voicemail to say you want to discuss this at your upcoming session. This way, it isn’t an ambush. Your T needs to know you’re in distress and you need help with this.

Maybe you’ll learn about a transition plan.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by besidemyselvez

It took me a while to muster up the courage but with therapy I made myself a rule: If I am intentionally avoiding a subject, that probably means it's important for me to talk about regardless of how she reacts. Usually I will even state that whatever I am feeling or doing has feelings of shame/embarrassment attached to it and discuss that feeling first. That doesn't make it easy but it helps and talking about this stuff has relieved some of the stress and taken some of the guesswork out of my relationship with her which has helped me put the focus on my actual issues instead of on what is going on in that room. I started with little things and she handled them beautifully, she was kind and patient and normalized everything I was feeling.That has made it a lot easier to come to her with the bigger things.

I like that rule. I think it's a necessary rule and I will try to stick to it next session. I mean what's the worst that can happen, right? It's not like I'm setting camp outside his office...it's just attachment.

Famous last words.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Merope

I wish I had your courage lol. I'm naturally awkward and I know that even if I tell myself I'll do it, by next week when he's seated before me, analyzing me like a hawk, I'll chicken out. I have issues with revealing stuff that I think would present me in a negative light....the idea of rejection/abandonment is very debilitating.

Sometimes in therapy I have talked about the thing to be talked about. For instance, you could say T, I want to talk to you about something but I'm afraid. It's difficult for me to reveal something that I think will present me in a negative light. I'm afraid that if you see something negative in me, you will reject me, or abandon me.

To me it seems like if you turn it around and listen to what you said, particularly how you fear rejection if he is presented with something negative about you, you can see some of the logical problems with your thinking more clearly. As in, hasn't he even seen one negative thing about you in the time you've been seeing him-- you've never done or said anything that showed you might have at least one flaw as a human being ???

Taking this just one step in another direction, is abandonment really caused because there are negative aspects to a person? If a person had no negative qualities, why are they in therapy? If a T rejected every person who had a negative quality or a personal flaw, who would be left as clients?

I don't think you can solve this debilitating fear unless you just admit that you *think* you know something that suggests he might be moving in the near future. But more importantly, I think the real issue is being open about something that makes you seem, I dunno, less than perfect? Personally I don't see what you know and how you know it as a problem and I doubt he will.

[Merope]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Sometimes in therapy I have talked about the thing to be talked about. For instance, you could say T, I want to talk to you about something but I'm afraid. It's difficult for me to reveal something that I think will present me in a negative light. I'm afraid that if you see something negative in me, you will reject me, or abandon me.

To me it seems like if you turn it around and listen to what you said, particularly how you fear rejection if he is presented with something negative about you, you can see some of the logical problems with your thinking more clearly. As in, hasn't he even seen one negative thing about you in the time you've been seeing him-- you've never done or said anything that showed you might have at least one flaw as a human being ???

Taking this just one step in another direction, is abandonment really caused because there are negative aspects to a person? If a person had no negative qualities, why are they in therapy? If a T rejected every person who had a negative quality or a personal flaw, who would be left as clients?

I don't think you can solve this debilitating fear unless you just admit that you *think* you know something that suggests he might be moving in the near future. But more importantly, I think the real issue is being open about something that makes you seem, I dunno, less than perfect? Personally I don't see what you know and how you know it as a problem and I doubt he will.

Thank you for this. I agree with what you said and maybe in a bit of time, I'll be able to talk to him a bit more freely about how I'm feeling. I have disclosed things that have portrayed me in a negative light before and he accepted/responded very kindly. This fear of rejection/abandonment is all on me.

With this, however, I feel like I'm invading his privacy and I have no right to do that. I hope you are right--maybe he won't see it as a problem that I did a bit of "research", but I still feel tremendously guilty/ashamed for looking up his partner. I think, if I were to bring it up, I'd have to do it from underneath my chair.