Forgive me, I am in a particularly bad funk today because on top of the depression I came down with some cold/virus thingy so now I'm out of my internship and in bed all day.

I decided I am sick of T and feel like telling him that I never want to talk to him again.

You see, I spoke with him yesterday because the depression was so bad-- and I told him how at night it gets particularly severe. He told me how if it ever gets to the point at night in which I feel unsafe and completely overwhelmed, that I should go to the emergency room. I wanted to tell him, "%#@&#! you." I'm not going into the %#@&#! hospital, I HAVE TOO MANY THINGS TO DO. Doesn't anyone understand this?!?!

I am so aggravated because.... what is my alternative? I guess just to sit around and wait for the depression to lift-- only so another episode can come back soon enough-- perhaps right after Christmas, like it did last year for seven weeks.

I feel like my depression is so independent of anything... it just shows up and the world stops. It is independent of T and of meds... so I don't feel like talking to him anymore. I wanted him to fix it. He can't. So %#@&#! him. He told me yesterday to remember that he is t hinking of me. I felt like saying, "Yeah right."

I feel like putting my hands on his shoulders and shaking him back and forth and yelling, " Don't you understand that I'm graduating in six months?? That I applied for doctoral school?? Don't you understand that I have reading to do... research.. papers... patients to see... work to do... a house to care for... and it's getting to the point where I am scared shitless??? I'm not going to the %#@&#! emergency room. Do something!!!!"

But in actuality, what can he really do?

I am writing all of this in the letters that I give him every Saturday-- I need to let him know all of it.

[Perna]

In the larger scheme of Life. . . looking back on this in 30 years. . . it will be okay! I had to take this semester out because of my arm and the depression it was causing me. I couldn't give a small fry fish without the "ie" about the reading, the projects, couldn't bend to pick up my pen and papers that had fallen so just deleted all the schoolwork there was on my computer. . . But it will be all right. I'll take "a" class next semester (or 4 in a 9-month program :-) and slowly get back up to speed.

Don't be worrying about the "next" spell in the middle of this one. Rearrange this one a bit (with T's help) so you have some room to relax and not feel so stressed. You're only making the bonds tighter fighting them. Didn't you see the first Harry Potter movie with the binderweed or whatever it was? The more you struggle the tighter it gets but relax, and you fall right through (and out of it).

unexpressed anger becomes depression or deepens depression... i think it's essential that you tell him this.. put it "out there."

hope you feel better soon.

[Gracey]

What's different this time Pink? What's different with this depression than the last one? Could it be that you're able to actually verbalize some of what you're feeling even if you do have to say %#@&#! you t!

To coin a therapuetic phrase. . .that's progress baby. You aren't the same as you were last Christmas with the seven week depression. You're different now. Yeah, it might still suck. It might get really bad. But, you aren't the same person you were last year. Are you?

Have you considered the lithium might not be working?

You are scared you said in y our post .. You have allot going. Do you think you could talk to your T about that because often that drives my depression (when im fearful of something). What are you afraid will happen? What does that mean?

[MissCharlotte]

I know what you should do.

Get him a toolbox for a gift. Then he can fix everything.



Feel better.

[Mouse_]

I agree with Gerber. I also know that feeling when we are almost pleading with T to help/rescue us and they appear to come out with a "lame" response, such as go to the emergency room, when really we want them to be right there beside us???

[Hopefull]

I'm glad that you are planning to share this in your Saturday letters. Sharing came help make a problem feel less huge. Of course this one is still big but not as huge as it is without sharing it. I hope you find a way to get out of this episode and make any future episodes that you may have less severe.
If it means anything, I sometimes wish I had a magic wand that I could just pass over all of us to make us all feel better and more stable mentally. But, your T and I don't have that kind of power. So, keep sharing your thoughts and feelings with T and here. It helps to share it and hear others share their experiences.

I'm here Pink.....I care...you'll make it! I promise!

[Perna]

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sister said:
I know what you should do.

Get him a toolbox for a gift. Then he can fix everything.

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One of those little computer "toolkits" like you're an elaborate electronic toy.

http://www.amazon.com/107-Piece-Prem.../dp/B000233XCW

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He told me yesterday to remember that he is thinking of me.

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I am so, so happy for you. What a wonderful thing for him to say!

Okay, I'm ashamed of myself. I admit it. I'm jealous. As you know, when I asked mine if he thought about me in between sessions, he said that he wouldn't lie to me to make me feel better. &^%$##@* T!!! Curse him for not saying what your T said! Curse him for putting me through pure hell this week!

It's good that you are writing this in the letters. I'm sure it will help T better help you. And it is clear that that is what he wants to do. I'm so happy for you!

Yeah, I wish he could have said something else instead of telling you to go to the hospital. He could have said call me any time at night and I will talk you through. Take care!