Schema focused therapy and limited reparenting

I think theres a little gremlin in us - i should say in me, i suppose, but i dont think i am so unique! - that responds to a LITTLE tough love. Kind of like in the movie Moonstruck, when Cher tells that goof to "Snap out of it!"

Seriously. I grew up with mixed messages, to put it mildly. It can be like a driving roundabout. You can keep going around in circles, if you cant figure out what turn to make. A sharp reprimand from someone you trust can be taken as a "Turn here!" You would take it from a GPS system, why not your t?

MRT6211, I'm doing schema therapy as well. And when I've had fallings out/ruptures with my T, he always points out that in a healthy relationship, people can get angry or frustrated, and then work it out, and it doesn't have to mean that the relationship is over. That has been a huge learning thing for me too, and something that I have learnt and experienced through the relationship with T and been able to transfer to other relationships.

I do think that Ts need to be careful with professional boundaries, even in the context of limited reparenting, and if my T ever actually shouted it would be game over, for me. But you know best about what actually happens with your T. I'm happy for you that you clearly feel so secure with this T and that the therapy is helping you.

I don't know what all you are seeing your therapist for, but if you are finding their approach to be helpful and are experiencing progress than perhaps your therapist has clued in on a need that isn't obvious here in text. Hopefully you will have the opportunity to discover why her methods seem to be working for you.

What you said earlier in the thread about feeling like it could be because someone is finally paying attention sounds like you already have a pretty solid theory.

I think you hit the nail on the head here, honestly. It’s yelling, not screaming, for sure. More like a slightly raised voice with a very firm tone and it serves to give me the message that my behavior at that moment is NOT okay. It snaps me out of that emotional mind that won’t listen to reason at all and makes me listen to what she has to say and be able to have a conversation. It does not feel like abusive screaming, like it used to with my mother and others. I know for a fact that it comes from a place of caring deeply about me. She never personally attacks me or makes me feel like I’m a bad person, just that I am exhibiting bad behavior that could jeopardize my future. And the instances of yelling are few and far between.

I think it’s because it shows me she cares about me, honestly. And it feels like she’s paying attention to me and giving me the attention that I need. I also tend to argue back when she’s more gentle, and this makes me not want to do that as much.

I do really feel like I deserve to be yelled at. Perhaps that’s why I sometimes push limits so that she will “punish” me by yelling at me. I agree that this seems like it could be something to explore in therapy. There’s probably some deeper stuff to get into there.

Exactly! Tough love is exactly what it is. It’s basicslly like verbally doing the whole “slap the person in the face to get them to snap out of it” thing that you see on TV. It’s funny you use the GPS as an analogy, because she uses a similar one. She says that all therapy really is, is navigation, so basically she’s a GPS for living a normal human life.

I think you’re definitely right here. She definitely has clued into needs that are hard to explain. And I definitely do want to discover why I have this need to be corrected in such a way.

Yes, I’d say the ends justify the means here, honestly. It bothers me a little, honestly, to read all of these replies bashing my T, but I understand that everyone has their own opinions and is entitled to them. I also think some hard to explain context is missing that might make people see why she does things like this. Bottom line is that I know she’s taking care of me, and I know that she’s effective at her job, because there’s empirical evidence of progress. I came to her right after I got out of the hospital after a very serious suicide attempt, and in the 8 months since I started seeing her, I haven’t been hospitalized even once (and I haven’t needed to be), and I have only cut once. This is opposed to the 5 months preceding seeing her, where I was hospitalized 4 times and cut nearly every day. Not to mention, my demeanor is completely different, I can interact with people more effectively now, and I have a ton of skills to deal with distressing situations.

Overall, I’m very grateful I found this T, no matter what others might think of her methods.

Yeah. I meant to say, we have internalized a lot - so not all my parts are the most upstanding citizens! Part of me is pretty darn awful. I dont want to argue with it - i just want to tell it to shut up and go away and quit interfering in my life. I dont know what purpose it is serving anymore - its job used to be to kiss my mothers butt so we would be safe, pardon my french. So... buh-bye! Hate to see you go, but its you or me, buddy!

Hey MRT, thanks for clarifying about the yelling. I was thinking along the lines of verbal abuse since that's my life experience of "yelling", rather than a raised tone and firm words.

I'm glad you're secure with her and trust she's operating from a nurturing parent mode (which includes firmness!) and not a punitive parent mode.

Do you feel like it helps you outside of therapy as well? If it seems to be helping in ways other than how you feel when you're with your therapist, then that's good. My psychiatrist has used similar approaches with me (to a much lesser degree and with no yelling). I've been told to "get over it" and to "knock it off" and have also responded well. I have no idea why it works but if it does, go with it.

Yes, it definitely helps me outside of the therapy room. I’ve definitely internalized her voice a lot more than I have with any other T.