[LonesomeTonight]

If your T has given you some sort of transitional object (a stone, a note, a stuffed animal, whatever form), have you talked to the T about how you used that object? Like, that you held the stone, reread the note, snuggled the stuffed animal, etc.? If so, how did the T react?

My T had initially given me a stone at my request to help me get through some stressful PhD interviews. I asked if it was OK to hold onto it, and he'd said yes. For the record, I'm apparently his first client (in 17 years) to ask for a transitional object. So today, I mentioned how I'd felt really sad the other day and held the stone for a bit (I just said I held it in my hand--didn't mention that I actually held it against my chest) and that it made me feel better. I said I was afraid to share, that he'd think that was weird. His response? "Only a little bit weird. Like, say, 10% weird, 90% not-weird." Which...still made me feel awkward. Why is it at all weird if something he gave me provided me comfort in a difficult time? (It led to a good discussion about how people with secure attachment can internalize feelings, while those who don't have that may need outside reminders.)

I wonder if it's because it's the first time he's given a transitional object (he did have a client steal a stone and tell him about it later), he's just not sure how to respond? Or if he's just uncomfortable with my attachment? So, just wondering how other people's T's have reacted. Unfortunately this came up near end of session, but will discuss with him more Monday, because of course my brain is focusing on the "10% weird."

[growlycat]

I don’t think it’s weird.

[Echos Myron redux]

I am completely baffled that he finds it even a teeny bit weird. What does he think the point of a transitional object is?

[DP_2017]

Same way he responds to my love feelings with understanding and compassion. Actually he's even suggested i use some certain things at various times.

I'd be uncomfortable with a t being even slightly weirded out about it.

[NP_Complete]

That was a rather unfortunate choice of words. I don't think it's weird. I have a letter that my therapist wrote me and it sits on my windowsill where I can see it. I reread it sometimes.

[the forgotten]

My T had never given me anything, but I would sure love and treasure anything from her. Mine is hands off, big walls, big boundaries, etc.

[DP_2017]

Also I'm not sure I'd believe in that many years he's never dealt with this sort of thing. I think from other posts he does seem somewhat uncomfortable with the attachment level

I'd talk about it too and also focus on the 10 percent part.

At least you still get 2x a week so that's something good and he's at least ok with that

[atisketatasket]

I disagree with him—people with secure attachment can find objects comforting. I have an old ink bottle I found bottle hunting with my grandfather (actually I suspect he may have arranged it so I found it) and I’ll look at it and run my finger along it when I’m sad sometimes. And likewise other mementoes of other relatives.

I think what he may find “weird” (you did use the word, but he could have replied with a better one) is that you turn to an object from him instead of other things. That would be worth discussing, because it might provide insight about where your life isn’t where you would like it to be and what you can do about that.

[lucozader]

I think it was always my T's intention that I would hold and play with the stones he gave me - in fact that's why he originally gave me two. From what I've said to him since, he knows that I always keep them with me and... Well, I told him about losing them in the bed that time so I guess he knows how attached to them I am. Hah!

He has not seemed at all weirded out by any of that.

It is absolutely the point of such an object, in my opinion.

[Lemoncake]

LT I'm sorry about his response, but this is 100% not weird at all! It's the same thing as a child having a security blanket. The point is they help relieve anxiety and provide comfort because they can provide the same associated feelings.

I carry a lego mini figure I feel looks like my T (if he was made out of lego xD), in my pencil case. I even took it with me during my last exam. I feel safer having it with me and it helps calm me down if I have it in my hand. I have shown my figure to my T he commented that he didn't wear cardigans. I said he should and he called it little R (T's name).

[Thalassophile]

Do you think he meant he really thinks it is weird as in was he saying it in a lighthearted way in response to your saying it was weird perhaps?

I only ask because sometimes my friends will say something quirky or that they did something strange and follow it with a 'is that weird?' and I'll say something like 'ya kind of or a little but...but no not really' as in I'm kinda joking about it being weird as on a surface level to some it could seem that way but I don't actually think it is. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Someone else suggested your T not being 100% comfortable with the attachment which is a possibility. From my perspective, it seems like he is definitely trying to be, wants to be and is making improvements but still learning it seems.

I got a transitional object from my T a while back although I didn't ask for it. I appreciated the sentiment and still have what he gave me but if I'm being honest I don't find it helpful. I'm not sure why. There wasn't much thought behind what he gave me other than wanting to give me 'something' so I don't really have any attachment to it and nor does it bring up any good feelings for me. To me, it is just that an object. I would perhaps far more prefer a written note or message I think for me it would have more meaning.

[ruh roh]

It does kind of sound like his humor at play here, sort of like when you wondered if he had a second child but didn't see a picture and he said they don't talk about the other one. So, sort of a smart aleck kind of humor. I wouldn't take it to heart. My therapist said it's very common for clients to ask for transitional objects. She also has a very high bar for what she will consider weird. I don't think I've found where that threshold is yet.

[ScarletPimpernel]

You're not weird at all. I've talked to my T about the rock and the stuffed animal. She's okay with me holding the rock when I feel I need her. That's the point of it. Now the stuffed animal, she told me to try to put off cuddling it. She doesn't want that to be my go-to coping skill. If I try to cope using other skills and it doesn't help, then I can cuddle the stuffed animal. At first I was afraid to even touch it. Made me feel sad not comforted. I asked her if I can touch it, and she said of course! So now I sometimes just pet it when I go by. Or I tell her I love her to the stuffed animal. And on occasion, I give it a quick hug.

I have lots of transitional objects from scarfs, to rocks, to stuffed animals. I even asked my H for one. And I also jave a lot of objects that have great sentimental value to me.

[ElectricManatee]

Even if it's a joke, it doesn't seem terribly therapeutic to make one there, especially when LT is clearly feeling insecure and making herself vulnerable. I used to use humor a lot to try to gloss over uncomfortable feelings. It would not have been helpful for my T to encourage that strategy, rather than digging into the uncomfortable feelings.

As for transitional objects, I have done stuff that's way "weirder" than holding my transitional object, like making a weird little therapy scrapbook, for one. Holding the object is kind of the point, isn't it? My T knows that I have had mine in my pocket every day since she gave it to me, which was over a year ago. She has also given me supplemental objects, held onto the object to recharge it, and taken it on vacation with her, at my request. If holding it is weird, then I have crossed over into the truly bizarre. And my T doesn't seem to mind at all.

[ruh roh]

Just to clarify: I wasn't saying he's good at his use of humor, or even that it's funny. I just thought it would sting less to consider that he doesn't think it's weird.

[LonesomeTonight]

Thanks for all the responses! More later, but I also wondered if it could have been a clumsy attempt at humor/keeping things light? Not unlike "honey" a week ago...

[stopdog]

I think if you used the word weird when you first asked him about it - he was using your word back to you and trying to be playful.

[SummerTime12]

It’s hard to tell how he meant it, but either way it sucks and I’m sorry he said that. I would be really hurt if my t called something I did 10% weird too. I don’t see how it’s weird at all though since the whole purpose of a transitional object is to help you feel better. Tons of people have transitional objects, and not just those of us in therapy either

[Carmina]

As Winnicott defined the concept transitional objects are found/created by the infant, not given by the parent. eg a parent may give the infant a teddy but the infant picks the blanket or piece of cloth or something completely unexpected as the actual transitional object. It is whatever they invest with the symbolic functions that create for themselves a sense of relative safety and contact with the person who provides that holding environment. So while I accept that many therapists may provide such objects with the intention of it serving such a function I think they are rather misunderstanding the concept by thinking you can just give these things out.

[skeksi]

The “10% weird” response would have really upset me, and it would be something I’d want to address with my T. But I have a real fear about seeming or being somehow “weird.”

[tomatenoir]

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

LT I'm sorry about his response, but this is 100% not weird at all! It's the same thing as a child having a security blanket. The point is they help relieve anxiety and provide comfort because they can provide the same associated feelings.

I carry a lego mini figure I feel looks like my T (if he was made out of lego xD), in my pencil case. I even took it with me during my last exam. I feel safer having it with me and it helps calm me down if I have it in my hand. I have shown my figure to my T he commented that he didn't wear cardigans. I said he should and he called it little R (T's name).

That's brilliant! I'm tempted to do the same...

[granite1]

i have learned to never ask my T a question i might not want the answer to . it seems like yo wanted him to say that he didnt think it was weird . i was just wondering why you asked him that were you not going to hold it any more or no longer get comfort from it if he said it was weird

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

For the record, I'm apparently his first client (in 17 years) to ask for a transitional object. So today, I mentioned how I'd felt really sad the other day and held the

I wonder if it's because it's the first time he's given a transitional object (he did have a client steal a stone and tell him about it later), he's just not sure how to respond? Or if he's just uncomfortable with my attachment? So, just wondering how other people's T's have reacted. Unfortunately this came up near end of session, but will discuss with him more Monday, because of course my brain is focusing on the "10% weird."

Because of the forum, I think we are really savvy clients, and we know about things like transitional objects maybe even more than T's who don't practice that way.

Your new T seems pretty composed and flexible, and perhaps a bit bemused by the TO.

I would suspect his 10 percent weird comes from a client knowing so much about what others do in psychotherapy, then from an intimacy issue.

If I asked my T for a transitional object, he would ask me if I wanted the upper hand or if I read that in a book. (If I asked my T, it would actually be bc I read about it on the forum, and am wistful to have one .

[feralkittymom]

I think it's a bit of classic projection to refashion this into thinking the T has some issue with clients' attachments. The very act of asking for a TO would reflect that it's the client who struggles with attachment. And then to further obsess about the 10%, rather than recognize the 90%, well? Why not accept that, rather than speculate that he has some sort of discomfort or lack of awareness? And to then reverse speculate about what that says about his view of you? LT, you do seem to drive yourself down the rabbit hole. Hashing that all out in the moment with him could be valuable, but gnashing on it outside of the moment--is that helpful to you? Reading it just feels to me like a runaway train of escalating thoughts that wouldn't be productive.

[toomanycats]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think it's a bit of classic projection to refashion this into thinking the T has some issue with clients' attachments. The very act of asking for a TO would reflect that it's the client who struggles with attachment. And then to further obsess about the 10%, rather than recognize the 90%, well? Why not accept that, rather than speculate that he has some sort of discomfort or lack of awareness? And to then reverse speculate about what that says about his view of you? LT, you do seem to drive yourself down the rabbit hole. Hashing that all out in the moment with him could be valuable, but gnashing on it outside of the moment--is that helpful to you? Reading it just feels to me like a runaway train of escalating thoughts that wouldn't be productive.

Because no one wants to eat a spoonful of chocolate that's 10% s***.

It's not speculation that he had some sort of discomfort if he literally expressed some sort of discomfort. And it sounds like they did hash it out in the moment...LT said that it led to good discussion That doesn't mean all the thoughts surrounding it just disappear though.

In any case, LT, my thought was actually just that I'd need him to define "weird." My gut (well, and based on what you've shared of him in the past) tells me it's more like he feels slightly nervous about your attachment to him: fear that he'll let you down; fear that you'll see him as something he can't be, and that his inability to be all things will cause the therapy to fail; maybe just fear because he's just not DONE this before, and a little fear is kind of normal - and good, because it means he understands that there are very real impacts to you.

And, to answer your question - well, my T seems really really comfortable with all of the "weird" things I do to use our attachment to help soothe myself. Heck, my TO is a little lizard that I actually purchased and made into my own TO (not taken from him, but it's with me at every single appointment, he will hold it sometimes, I've left it there, etc.) -- and now my daughter is in love with this lizard -- it's become BOTH of our comfort objects!