For those whose T's have given them transitional objects

I don't have much advice, LT, as I can't even imagine wanting, much less asking my T about a transitional object. This is no judgement upon you. I am actually a little amazed you can be so vulnerable.

That being said, my T once drew a crayon drawing of ***** mountain, and then how an activity I was doing made a tiny dent in that mountain, explaining that she didn't think just because I was being more social and active that it was going to automatically solve all of my problems.

It is beyond a simple drawing. A 4 year old could probably do a better job, lol. But for some reason, I put it on my bulletin board that I have with things that I like. I told my T that, and she laughed and made some derogatory comment about her art work, but I could tell she didn't find it weird at all. I don't consider it a transitional object, nor do I even look at it much, but I could see it sort of be in the same vein as what you are describing.

From my gut instinct (you know, an anoymnous person just reading your accounts of therapy), is that T isn't used to attachment at this level, so it is going to take some adjusting from him-which he seems quite willing to do. I don't think that it is a bad thing. Besides people on this forum, I am not sure the "average" therapy client has as much knowledge about therapy and terms and theories that we might, so it might throw him off a little.

Maybe I'll have to join you in bizarre then. I have two kleenex from his office that I've been carrying around in my hoodie pocket for about a year now. Not used, I promise! When I'm feeling stressed, it helps to know they're in my pocket and if I need to I can put my hand in my pocket to touch them. I also have kept every parking receipt for the last 22 months, since I started seeing him, except for public holidays when I don't have to pay for street parking. That started because I didn't want my husband to know I was in therapy at first and would stick them in a pocket in my backpack. Later I didn't want him to know where the office was located and it just turned into a thing. I showed him the stack of them one day and I think he was amused in a good way. He suggested writing what we talked about on the back of each one, but they're really too small to do that, maybe only a little over an inch square piece of paper.

I keep my receipts from the hospital outpatient clinic where I see my T. Every one of them in a file together with whatever handouts or notes she gives me.

It's not speculation that he had some sort of discomfort if he literally expressed some sort of discomfort.

Where did he express discomfort? I read that he said the need was OK.

When he responded 10% weird (let's assume it wasn't lame humor, even though it might have been because we just can't know) I read that as responding to LT's fear that it was very weird--she characterized the action first. By saying "only 10% weird" it's minimizing that expressed fear. And let's be objective here: while it is not an unusual desire to ask for a TO in therapy, and as such, perfectly appropriate, it reflects a childhood need that in the usual course of development, is outgrown. So it is not 100% "normal" for an adult to feel such a need for an object in order to be reassured about an emotional connection, one that ideally would be internalized. There are lots of interactions in therapy that are appropriate and useful, but that would be seen as aberrant in other circumstances. No judgment here about the need or its expression.

And yes, it led to a good discussion in session--as it should. And that discussion will need to be repeated many more times. But how is all the projected speculation here, that undermines the in session discussion, helpful?

Turning this into a referendum on the T's stability or competence seems completely unfounded to me.

@at&t, I agree with you that "normal" adults imbue all sorts of objects with emotional sentiment, but it is because the objects are a tangible expression of an already internalized relationship/ experience (like your remembrance of your grandfather). That's very different from needing to obtain an object in order to feel/sustain the relationship. The latter is a developmental stage of childhood.

that would bother me honestly if my t had said it's only a little bit weird. sharing that is vulnerable imo. I do suspect that he is not used to doing therapy with people with intense attachment issues. I mean he said it himself right? like I've said before I worry you're setting yourself up for failure here with this T.

my t ordered me a transitional object a few months into therapy. I did not know what one was. but he had been letting me take home small things from his office... like a Queen from a chess set. I think by that point I had named every stuffed animal in his office. he asked what I wanted and I got moosolini... a small beanie baby moose.

I slept with moosolini for a long time. years. sometimes I would take him to therapy with me. mostly if I was struggling. moosolini soothed that child part within me that craved nurturing and love. holding him while I slept helped me to feel safe.

t knew that moosolini had become important to me. one night during a crisis I was having, t came to my house with another female staff member from the treatment program I was in. they sat with me and talked. t helped me to take my nighttime meds and I laid on the couch... t went into my room and got my comforter and must have seen moosolini under it. he brought the comforter to me and put it on me... handing me moosolini and saying here's this little guy. I will always remember that

after a while moosolini got a bit worn out. he needed some sewing repair. on a Skype call with t one winter I showed him moosolini. he said he looked rough. t offered to have him sewn up. next session I brought moosolini and t sewed him up for me

these days I do not sleep with moosolini anymore. he sits on my dresser with my penguin named bob. in acute times of distress I might hold him. moosolini got caught up in my mind games and magical thinking.... I thought if I slept with him things would go badly... so that was a large part of why I stopped.

sometimes when t makes me mad I think about filming a video of me setting moosolini on fire

but that's bc I'm BPD lol

I'm sorry LT that you had this slightly tricky conversation about the request for a Transitional Object being 10% weird. I just want to say though that I am finding it very comforting reading all the replies on this thread. My T gave me a TO even though I didn't ask for one. It really helps me though. So my T would be the one who would be weird, apparently!

I think maybe T's have different approaches to therapy and that maybe it depends where they did their T training or how / which approaches they were trained in etc. My T told me that where he did his training there was a lot of emphasis on the importance of a good therapeutic relationship between T and client (and there are lots of studies to back this up as well). I'm glad as his approach works really well for me. But maybe LT your T was trained in a different way or with a different emphasis on the approach. I'm sure he also learned a lot of good and effective things (and it seems like he is a very good T from what you write here), but perhaps his 10% weird is just reflecting the fact that he wasn't trained in that way, to see giving transitional objects as a helpful part of therapy. Also final thought is that in your shoes I think I would also be slightly put off by his finding my request "10% weird" (!) but glad to know that he is very honest. Because if he wasn being very homnice st with you he could have just dismissed it or said not weird at all. I think it helps me to know that a T is being honest.

Not weird at all.

My T has given me numerous transitional objects; stones, cards, voice recordings, stuffed animal. She encourages me to use these things when I need too. However my T practices schema therapy, which includes limited reparenting.

LT, Sometimes i feel as though yoyr t and my t could be the same person. Lol. I am too afraid to ask for a transitional object but could totally see my T having the same response. Definitely bring it up because i would be focusing on that 10% too. Good luck!

Saw your dear t updates

It's good he replied. Seems lots of t's are not these days. Anyway
..i was thinking why is weird such a bad thing to you?

Weird is something my t and i regularly call each other and i call myself it often. I embrace it. So does he

Weird can be unique and different but why is it bad? Standing out and doing your thing is a good thing. Just another way to view it

I hope you don't let this ruin your weekend. Enjoy your mothers day tomorrow and its 100% ok to be weird 😀

Thanks, DP. I agree that "weird" can be OK at times. In this case, I meant it more in the sense of T being uncomfortable. Like his "feeling weird" about it. Like...fear that I'm too attached, and he's not comfortable with that.

LT

You've said he has not much experience with it so of course he would be a bit uncomfortable. Imagine you in that position. First time experiencing intense attachment would probably make you feel that way too. Maybe you are too attached, who knows? I can't talk because I'm beyond help with mine. I already know I will spiral when I have to quit therapy.

At least he is comfortable enough to still allow 2x a week. That's a good sign. If you personally feel you are too much, you can ask him or just set your own limits. I do the set my own limits. I am free to contact my T as often as I want but I wont do it more than 1x a week and maybe try a week with 1 session again and see how you do?

Otherwise again, I wouldn't worry too much. He's handling things well for someone with not much experience with this.

There's been times for me when I've feel gross or creepy or weird to him... just by things he has said and done... I've projected my own "feelings" on to things and it's been bad... but I try to think of all the good things and how if he was truly weirded out by me in any way, he would surely not be putting up with me as much and as well as he does.

I'd say the same for your T. It's new, it's uncomfortable for him, but he's handling it really well. Worst case scenario, if he does feel weird about it... so what? It comforts you, it helps you and it makes sense to you, therapy is about you and how you feel about it is most important.

I wont even tell you the "weird" stuff I do with my T things, well at least not publicly. I feel crazy nuts but I am to the point where I just casually tell him anyway and we both just go on like nothing happened. Hopefully you get there too.

I have the same fear with my T. She said "And I've explained before some of my discomfort with being a sole support person." And that having other attachments will relieve the pressure on her. We'll be discussing this on Monday. She says everything will be okay. I'm scared.

LT—my advice is be yourself, ask for what you need, and if he can’t cope with it, eff him. I know you’re attached, but this guy is not the sine qua non of your existence. No one is, except maybe your daughter.

I hate to see you wasting precious time and energy on worrying about this guy. You’re an intelligent woman with advanced degrees and a mind of her own. Why dance to someone else’s tune, especially when they don’t know how to play the flute?

(Sorry if I sound crabby, I’m not mad at you and I’m not criticizing, and I know all that is easier said than done. I’m just having an anti-therapy day, and reminding myself that therapists are very much disposable. After all, they consider clients disposable, clients should return the favor.)

It's tough because he seems to be adjusting to the attachment stuff you want to work on, but it seems like you're leading rather than following. I would find that really stressful. My T works from a relationship/development framework to begin with, so she could not possibly be more comfortable with all these intense, uncomfortable attachment things that come up for me. But I would feel really rejected if I had to constantly explain them to her and get her used to them. The whole point is that I'm learning that close relationships can be good and healing and that my feelings (no matter how intense and "bad") are okay. Maybe this T can help you get there; I just don't know. It seems like his cluelessness kind of throws you into a panic spiral sometimes, though, and that seems really unpleasant.

Thanks, EM. You make some really good observations here. I hadn't really thought of it in terms of my leading and his following, but that makes total sense. Because it's like each thing I say or do or request related to attachment...it's like I'm waiting for his approval. Hm...that connects to some patterns in my life... But anyway, for this example, it's like, "Could I possibly have a stone?" And first it's the seeing if he agrees to give me one. He said was OK and gave me one. Then it's finding out if it's OK to hold onto it longer than for the event I wanted it for. Yes, it is. Now I'm talking about how I get comfort from it--is that OK?

I guess because he doesn't have the experience with it, it's like he hasn't really thought some of the stuff through. Did he think he'd give me the stone, I'd take it with me to event, just have it in my purse but not actually touch it, then next session hand it back to him? (OK, some people may have done that.) Did he think when I did hold onto it longer that I just it sitting on a shelf or something? Did it not occur to him that I might want to hold it, that I might get comfort from it? Because if I'm not getting anything from it...what's the point?

Where if he'd had, say, 10 previous clients who'd had transitional objects, this probably would just be totally normal to him, he'd expect me to hold it and get comfort from it. Where maybe that might have seemed weird to him with the first client or two, after a bit, would just be expected. I guess I can think that I'm helping his future clients as a sort of attachment trailblazer?

Also, "panic spiral" is a good phrase and an accurate one for me!

I think too it gives me a bit of pause that he's apparently not very well-versed in the literature/theoretical understanding of how this stuff works. There have been things that have come up in therapy that were pretty unexpected (to me, anyway) and my T said, "Oh, yeah, that actually makes perfect sense because of this relationship dynamic or this developmental thing..." And then I go and look it up and see that she's right and not just making stuff up. So it's not necessarily just being comfortable with attachment but it's also understanding how it works and why and being able to talk through it. I think particularly given that you didn't seem to have parents who knew how to give you what you needed, that aspect of growth could be really important for you if handled skillfully.

He seems fairly well-versed in attachment theory in general, at least how it applies to children (he explained the ways children react to their parents leaving a room for each of the attachment styles, for example). And he talked about how some people need an object to feel connected to someone while others can just hold that feeling inside of them. So I think he understands a lot of the theory on an intellectual level. Certainly not as much as ex-MC did (he was psychodynamically trained, current T was not), but then...look where that got me...

However, I'm not sure T fully understands it on an emotional level. Like he doesn't get why it's so important to me, why it can be so intense and painful. He seems confused by some of my reactions to things he says and does (while ex-MC never really did--or at least he did a better job of hiding it!). He's learning and adapting, but I'm not sure how I feel about him learning on the job, so to speak. I feel like a bit of a guinea pig.

I think something else that's worrying me is how he's seemed more fuzzy with boundaries lately. In the beginning, he seemed really strict about things like e-mail rules--only OK occasionally, he charges for longer ones, etc. But lately he's been responding pretty much anytime I e-mail (usually within a few hours), not charging me, not telling me it's an issue at all (granted, they're 1- or 2-paragraph replies, where the couple he did charge me for were much longer). And he had said before that texting is only for scheduling and had called a text I sent at 9 p.m. requesting a phone call (because it was weekend) "intrusive" because I included the reason why I wanted the call (I considered a phone call scheduling). Yet a couple weeks ago, he said to text him if I heard news from the program I applied to. I was like, "You mean e-mail?" He said no, that texting was fine for something like that. Which confused me (I'm still only texting for scheduling--actually I'm generally e-mailing for that to be safe). He commented the other day how sometimes during less heavy moments in session, it can just seem like "two people talking" instead of therapist-client, and he needs to be more mindful of that (he was speaking in general about his clients, not about me specifically--just realized that might have sounded kinda weird out of context). And we went 5 minutes over yesterday, and he didn't even notice till I pointed it out (I kept saying "I know we have to stop in a minute" and he kept talking about the topic were on).

How does this relate to the transitional object topic, you may be wondering? In the beginning, he just seemed to have very clear, set boundaries. Which, after MC's loose, shifting, unpredictable boundaries, felt a bit rigid, but also made me feel safe. It felt like current T knew who he was as a therapist and what he was and wasn't OK with. But now? I'm not really getting that sense. It's more like he's winging it, and the transitional object falls under that. Like, if in our first month of working together, would he have given me a transitional object? Hard to say. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what's going on. Maybe it's just a case of him feeling more comfortable with me and adapting to my needs? Maybe he gets like this with any client he sees longer than, say, a few months (it's been 8 months for me, but the past few months at twice a week, so probably approaching a year's worth of weekly sessions)? Or is it possibly some countertransference coming into play? I don't know. I know it makes me kinda nervous, I just don't know how to talk about it. Especially because part of me likes that it's a bit more relaxed.

I don't think it sounds like counter transference as much as him learning how to handle attachment at a high level. Realizing you might need a bit more. It's small seeming changes from what you say and it seems normal for a t for clients who need more.

I wouldn't be too worried unless it's bigger and more consitant changes. Sounds like he's trying to give you whst you need and what he's ok with

I recall one therapist that had many objects on an end table ... She said to feel free to take whichever one appealed to me ... I selected a heart carved from stone ... It was early on in my process and after a handful of sessions, I knew I wouldn't continue seeing this particular therapist so I returned it on my last visit ... I found it a right comforting thing for a therapist to do for her clients.

Oh that's a nice way to do it, just have them ready. My T has tons of random stuff sitting around his office--stones, shells, metal circles with words on them, etc., so he could easily do that (he apparently doesn't even remember which stone he gave me!)

This reminds me of when i first started seeing current t, and i brought him a bag of (uncooked) steel cut oatmeal. He later told me it was delicious, that it lowered his cholesterol, and that it changed his life. I was like, does this mean we have to get married now? Cuz really, i didnt know what it MEANT.

My family never let me have any effect on them, at least not that they showed me. I never felt like i contributed, mattered, etc. Only that i was a disappointment, an impediment, a bother, a weight.

So my "relationship" with my t has partly been about my presence just being acknowledged. Maybe appreciated? Idk.

My T gave me something to use during sessions because I get so anxious and fidget a lot. So one day he gave me a toy to play with and it helped reduce the panic I felt while talking about difficult topics. He then told me that the toy was mine and I could take it home with me if I wanted it. And to bring it to sessions to use when I want to.

We never identified it as a transitional object or talked about what it meant. He would just ask every now and then if it was helping me. It does help a lot and I’m glad I have it. It reminds me of my T when I look at it and it has a calming effect.

So, weirdly there was a bit in the book I was reading last night (Grief Works by Julia Samuel) about transitional objects!

100% not at all weird.

I don’t think it’s weird. No therapist has given me a transitional object.

I find it strange that you’re (the OP) apparently the first client to ask for a TO in ? 17 years If a therapist said that to me, I’d find it hard to believe it ...

My therapists ... big walls, big boundaries, not particularly helpful (to me)