[Lrad123]

My therapist is very kind and thoughtful and nonjudgmental. I’m allowed to email him, but he will only read and respond during work hours. I send an average of about one email every three weeks. He doesn’t like to conduct therapy over email so sometimes his emails are short but often they have been very nice and reassuring. The last two weeks I have sent what felt like very intense, vulnerable emails (for me anyway) and he has responded with something like “let’s talk about this next week” which initially makes me feel dismissed and sort of blown off. It feels silly to get upset about it though because technically he didn’t do anything wrong. On the other hand, when I get those simple, abrupt emails, although I initially feel hurt, I actually seem to obsess less about therapy during the week and have a better week overall. Does this make sense to anyone? Is there maybe a reason that he is responding this way to help me feel better or is it just coincidence?

[DP_2017]

Just ask him

For me, I don't email anymore unless it's super important, I just got sick of how much miscommunication could happen with emails. Anyway, I used to email weekly... and during that time, he was awesome with replies and on occasion would do something like this too and I agree, it felt dismissive so I called him on it, after that, he never did it again. He said he would only reply when he had time to properly reply, it was nice. So yes talking to him is best

[mostlylurking]

I think sometimes T's don't want to even touch the more serious, vulnerable emails because they fear a miscommunication, and when we are vulnerable or upset we might be more likely to misread something. So my guess is, they just say "Let's talk about this in person" because they are more sure they can be helpful. Smaller things are safer to reply to more fully, perhaps. But for us, when we lay a lot out there, it would be nice to get a very kind reply.

I also have had a self-protective response to a disappointing email, where a part of me feels annoyed or defensive and so I kind of refuse to think about therapy as much. It's like a pulling away because of disappointment. Which in a way can be kind of a relief, if you find yourself obsessing about therapy less.

I had that problem with my T as well. She doesn't do therapy over email and very rarely has her replies actually helped me. I still email but am the one telling her that we can discuss it in person and not to reply. It helps release some of that tension and still feels like contact with her.

[lilypeppermint]

Tone of voice gets lost on email so your mind can make it up. Is it possible you’re feeling vulnerable and that it’s hard to feel your T is being supportive?

[Lrad123]

I understand that he doesn’t want to do therapy over email. I get that. But I feel like I revealed myself and he completely ignored that which makes me just feel like withdrawing. We had had a conversation during our last session about possibly ending therapy (at my request) and after sleeping on it, I felt much better and expressed this to him and even felt sort of warm & fuzzy. His only response was “see you next week.” Even if he was busy he could have included another sentence or two acknowledging my email (it wasn’t a long email) or letting me know that he hadn’t had time to read it. I mean, his entire job is to be a good communicator, right? On the one hand I feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing and in the real world, I’d just let it go. But this is therapy, so maybe I should bring it up with him?

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

I think sometimes T's don't want to even touch the more serious, vulnerable emails because they fear a miscommunication, and when we are vulnerable or upset we might be more likely to misread something. So my guess is, they just say "Let's talk about this in person" because they are more sure they can be helpful. Smaller things are safer to reply to more fully, perhaps. But for us, when we lay a lot out there, it would be nice to get a very kind reply.

I agree with this. My T *does* sometimes write lengthy responses to e-mails (he charges for them if they go over a certain time), but there have been a couple cases where he's said "This isn't something I feel comfortable handling over e-mail" and will either offer an extra session or say we can discuss next session.

I've had some serious misunderstandings happen regarding e-mail/text responses with current T, ex-T, and former marriage counselor, so I understand why T's could be reluctant to say more in a response. There's so much to potentially misunderstand because you lack tone of voice/body language.

I'd definitely bring this up with your T though. I've found it can help if I very specifically ask what I'm looking for in an e-mail. Like: "If you could just give me a sentence or two of reassurance about x, that would be helpful." So see if that's a possibility.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

My therapist is very kind and thoughtful and nonjudgmental. I’m allowed to email him, but he will only read and respond during work hours. I send an average of about one email every three weeks. He doesn’t like to conduct therapy over email so sometimes his emails are short but often they have been very nice and reassuring. The last two weeks I have sent what felt like very intense, vulnerable emails (for me anyway) and he has responded with something like “let’s talk about this next week” which initially makes me feel dismissed and sort of blown off. It feels silly to get upset about it though because technically he didn’t do anything wrong. On the other hand, when I get those simple, abrupt emails, although I initially feel hurt, I actually seem to obsess less about therapy during the week and have a better week overall. Does this make sense to anyone? Is there maybe a reason that he is responding this way to help me feel better or is it just coincidence?

The bolded stood out to me.

Whether it's purposeful on his part or not, it sounds like when he doesn't step in with reassurance, you're able to find that for yourself.

On a more practical note, I don't have any idea what your t uses to communicate, but when I am typing something on my phone, it tends to be much shorter and to the point, possibly sounding abrupt, just because I hate typing on that teeny keyboard.

[Moment]

(1) You can bring up anything you want in therapy. It's your time. Certainly stuff that you'd just "let go" in life is worth talking about in therapy. Sometimes it is the small things that are the most revealing, about both yourself and the therapist.

(2) You say you understand that he doesn't want to do therapy over email but then said you've been revealing yourself over email and are upset with his responses and feel ignored. That makes me wonder
(a) why are you choosing to emotionally reveal yourself in a medium (email) that you know your therapist does not like to use? I'm not trying to be snarky here. I am genuinely asking. You could hold off and wait and express those same emotions in session, when he's actually physically present and able to respond fully. But you're choosing not to do that. Does it feel "safer" via email? And is choosing a safe but ultimately disappointing route potentially part of a pattern?
and
(b) I am really curious why he allows emails and why he has these different responses (reassuring vs. curt). It seems worth talking about with him for sure.

My therapist never offered me his email address and I am relieved. I don't want that option there.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Moment

(1) You can bring up anything you want in therapy. It's your time. Certainly stuff that you'd just "let go" in life is worth talking about in therapy. Sometimes it is the small things that are the most revealing, about both yourself and the therapist.

(2) You say you understand that he doesn't want to do therapy over email but then said you've been revealing yourself over email and are upset with his responses and feel ignored. That makes me wonder
(a) why are you choosing to emotionally reveal yourself in a medium (email) that you know your therapist does not like to use? I'm not trying to be snarky here. I am genuinely asking. You could hold off and wait and express those same emotions in session, when he's actually physically present and able to respond fully. But you're choosing not to do that. Does it feel "safer" via email? And is choosing a safe but ultimately disappointing route potentially part of a pattern?
and
(b) I am really curious why he allows emails and why he has these different responses (reassuring vs. curt). It seems worth talking about with him for sure.

My therapist never offered me his email address and I am relieved. I don't want that option there.

I have a hard time opening up and being vulnerable in general and it’s easier to do by myself rather than in front of someone else. I know that’s not ideal, but I’m not sure what to do about that. Expressing myself through email is just easier. And yes, safer. Also, sometimes I can think about something more deeply when I’m by myself and there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to do that or feel that during my once/week 50 minute appointment. Generally, that’s when the walls go up and it’s just harder to think straight.

I’m not sure whether this whole email topic is petty and therefore not sure if I should bring it up with him. This is something I would definitely let go of in real life, but since it’s therapy, should I say something? If so, should I do it now (via emai) when I’m really feeling something or should I hold off until I see him next week at which time I might not really care? If I email now, saying I feel dismissed he will possibly email back with a sentence or two apologizing genuinely for hurting my feelings. I’m not sure I want to put him in a position where he feels like he needs to apologize. Then I just feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. So I’m stuck.

I do like your idea of asking why he sometimes has curt responses and other times not. I may do just that. I know he’s not a huge fan of email but is aware that I process things better via email so I think that’s why he tolerates it, although I know he’d rather discuss things together in person.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I have a hard time opening up and being vulnerable in general and it’s easier to do by myself rather than in front of someone else. I know that’s not ideal, but I’m not sure what to do about that. Expressing myself through email is just easier. And yes, safer. Also, sometimes I can think about something more deeply when I’m by myself and there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to do that or feel that during my once/week 50 minute appointment. Generally, that’s when the walls go up and it’s just harder to think straight.

I’m not sure whether this whole email topic is petty and therefore not sure if I should bring it up with him. This is something I would definitely let go of in real life, but since it’s therapy, should I say something? If so, should I do it now (via emai) when I’m really feeling something or should I hold off until I see him next week at which time I might not really care? If I email now, saying I feel dismissed he will possibly email back with a sentence or two apologizing genuinely for hurting my feelings. I’m not sure I want to put him in a position where he feels like he needs to apologize. Then I just feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. So I’m stuck.

I do like your idea of asking why he sometimes has curt responses and other times not. I may do just that. I know he’s not a huge fan of email but is aware that I process things better via email so I think that’s why he tolerates it, although I know he’d rather discuss things together in person.

For certain things, I can think a lot more deeply and clearly outside of session than when I'm sitting in front of my T. I know exactly what you mean about the walls coming up and not being able to think. It can be a lot of pressure.

I know it's a cliché, but I have had a lot of success with writing something out when I'm feeling it intensely and bringing it to session for my T to read, sometimes with the caveat that I felt one way when I wrote it and I feel a different way now. You could also write the email now, save it as a draft, and send it right before session with a note that you want to dive into it deeply when you get there.

I think most things that really bother you are worth talking about in therapy, even if you would let them go in real life. Sometimes talking about those things makes me realize something new about my perspective or habits.

[Merope]

I know this is an old thread, but I've been reading over it and feel fairly strongly about it, so I figured I should share.

I get it, I REALLY, REALLY do. Emailing my therapist is something that I absolutely agonize over. When I first started with him, he'd email me homework about once a week. And not just attachments, but actual thoughtful words. After a while, he stopped. I think it had something to do with our sessions becoming less CBT-oriented and more psychoanalytical. Since then, our emails have mostly been about scheduling appointments.

Recently, however, I sent him a couple of emails about what we discussed in a previous session (especially when I felt like I wasn't clear enough and wanted him to really "get it"). I noticed that when it's not something more urgent (such as scheduling) he takes longer to reply (days as opposed to hours). In fact, he still hasn't responded to my last one, which makes me feel guilty for sending it in the first place. I hate the idea that I am too much for him, or that I'm bothering him, or that I'm disrespecting his boundaries. He hasn't mentioned anything about his email policy, though I'd like to believe that he would have said something by now if he didn't want me to email him. For me, even a quick acknowledgement would be enough. Like you said, bearing such feelings in an email makes me feel vulnerable, so if he were to completely ignore it, I'd feel a little rejected. I hate the idea that I'm that "annoying patient" even though I know my insecurities are speaking and he probably (hopefully) doesn't feel that way.

I think that, in order to save myself the agony, I will not email him about stuff like this in the future. I find it far too hard to be ok with myself after sending such vulnerable emails (and not too often either, perhaps just once every three weeks or so) and getting no response. He has yet to completely ignore an email, but I really feel that day is coming.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Merope

I know this is an old thread, but I've been reading over it and feel fairly strongly about it, so I figured I should share.

I get it, I REALLY, REALLY do. Emailing my therapist is something that I absolutely agonize over. When I first started with him, he'd email me homework about once a week. And not just attachments, but actual thoughtful words. After a while, he stopped. I think it had something to do with our sessions becoming less CBT-oriented and more psychoanalytical. Since then, our emails have mostly been about scheduling appointments.

Recently, however, I sent him a couple of emails about what we discussed in a previous session (especially when I felt like I wasn't clear enough and wanted him to really "get it"). I noticed that when it's not something more urgent (such as scheduling) he takes longer to reply (days as opposed to hours). In fact, he still hasn't responded to my last one, which makes me feel guilty for sending it in the first place. I hate the idea that I am too much for him, or that I'm bothering him, or that I'm disrespecting his boundaries. He hasn't mentioned anything about his email policy, though I'd like to believe that he would have said something by now if he didn't want me to email him. For me, even a quick acknowledgement would be enough. Like you said, bearing such feelings in an email makes me feel vulnerable, so if he were to completely ignore it, I'd feel a little rejected. I hate the idea that I'm that "annoying patient" even though I know my insecurities are speaking and he probably (hopefully) doesn't feel that way.

I think that, in order to save myself the agony, I will not email him about stuff like this in the future. I find it far too hard to be ok with myself after sending such vulnerable emails (and not too often either, perhaps just once every three weeks or so) and getting no response. He has yet to completely ignore an email, but I really feel that day is coming.

I actually ended up emailing my T and telling him I felt hurt by his curt response. He wrote back a very nice, thoughtful email. Understandably, he prefers to process emotional content together in session, but he was still very kind in his email and he apologized for making me feel dismissed. I sort of felt bad for putting him in a position where he felt like he had to apologize, but it still felt good to get a more substantial response.