[sidony]

I haven't had much chance to come on and talk lately. I've read a bit -- followed several threads (Pinksoil, I'm glad your T called!) -- but have been too wiped out to write.

Trying to adjust to a new job, feeling really low about myself. T talked about how I need to learn to love myself. I don't. At all. Don't even know if I will again. I feel so awful about everything. Wish I'd done things differently in my life.

Anyway, I miss you guys. I'm still around and appreciate all the support I've received. I'll be glad when I have a little more free time. Right now I'm going to grab a book and try to relax.

Just wanted to say hello again.

Sidony

I miss you too, Sid. I figured you have probably been busy with the new job and all the other crap you have been going through. :-(

It is good to know that you are still around. I hope to see you post more. I miss when we would freak out about what to wear to session. Now that I can't afford to buy new clothes, am depressed, and have Saturday sessions, I seem to have no problem going in looking like a bum-- with nice hair and makeup of course... :-)

I'm glad my T called, too. Or else he would look like this guy once I got through with him.

[ECHOES]

(( sidony ))

I'm glad your job seems to be going well. It takes a LOT of energy--physical and emotional--to get comfortable in a new job. It sounds like you're doing really well!

The other stuff will wait for you to have time for.

Grabbing a book sounds great and I hope it helped you to relax.

[sunrise]

Hi Sid. Thanks for checking in. I miss you too.

What book are you reading?

[sidony]

Hey guys,

Thanks for the nice responses. Funny pic, Pinksoil!

Ah Sunrise, I'm reading total escapism. I'm reading the sci-fi novel "Dune" again. The funny part? It's because T said to me "Fear is the mind-killer" and I immediately recognized it as a "Dune" quote. He was delighted that I recognized the quote.

Pink, I do miss freaking about the clothes. I've had to dress up more lately (my new job requires "professional dress") so I'm generally dressed pretty nice when I get to therapy. Except I have a limited number of outfits that qualify as professional dress so have to wear some of the same things again.

Dang, I just realized I need to go to the dry-cleaner! Ugh ugh ugh.

I'm still pretty low. Found myself crying on the way home from work. I just feel hopeless about the future. The only things I wish are that I could go back into the past and do things again. I wish I could go back to college and start over, making nice practical career choices where I could feel like I had permanent prospects in the work world. I also wish I could go back to my last relationship and do things right. I miss my ex so much that sometimes I don't know how I'll get by. The only things I want are in the past. So I know I won't get them. I don't know how to feel good about life. I'm afraid I'll always be alone because I feel too low to try to be with anyone else.

I feel like a failure. All the time. It's awful.

I just go to work each day and come home. Now I'm about to go out to an aerobics class. I'll feel better while I'm working out. I'll feel low again afterward. At least the weekend is almost here.

I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I guess I do look forward to seeing my family over the holidays. But that won't last long enough.

So this is what my days are like now.

Thanks for listening. I really have missed you guys.

Sidony

[sidony]

Update: And this evening I'm feeling better. Strangely since I'm clearly getting a cold. But I was out with friends earlier, and the companionship does help. Or maybe it's just the distraction from my own thoughts. Anyway. I want to check out some of the other threads and see how the rest of you are doing!

Sidony

[ECHOES]

I'm glad you're feeling better!!

(I was hoping maybe the reason was... us )

[sidony]

yes you guys are very helpful!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry I haven't made that more direct. One of those things that seems obvious to me. And that reminds me of therapy because T and I are always discussing the things that I don't say because they're so obvious to me that it doesn't occur to me. This apparently is one of my difficulties with intimacy....

Sidony

[Perna]

I remember when I broke up with my first love and also got a new job (one that at one point had been my dream but in reality turned out to be scary then boring). It was bad for a few months but then I met "Mr. Right" and my life really changed forever. I was 35! But I'll never forget those 4-6 months when things were so very dreary.

Being with others does help; it's not the "job" or any other "thing" that helps but the relationships I think.

[sidony]

Thanks Perna! Your story is hopeful.

I'm 37. Maybe it's not too late....

[sunrise]

Hi Sidony, that's great you are feeling better.

37 is not too late! I know someone who is 53 and just a couple of years ago found the love of his life.

[sidony]

Thanks Sunrise! I do hope for love. And the hope with therapy is that I don't screw up the next relationship. Or at least not in the same exact way. I will communicate, dammit. Whatever else goes wrong I'll do that part differently!!!!!!!

Sidony