Need help explaining some things to my T

Part 2: T was done reading. He asked where I wanted to start. I wasn't sure. He said he'd answer the easier questions first. The being comfortable thing...that was his concern about discussing transference being helpful to me. I said I still felt like it was partly about his comfort, about his being uncomfortable with it and thus not wanting to work with me on the topic. He said he works with clients who discuss many things that make him uncomfortable, like , clients who don't seem to care about the feelings of anyone except themselves. But that doesn't mean he won't work with them. And that the only thing that had made him slightly uncomfortable with me was...I said, "The stone?" He said yes, but only a little uncomfortable.
I said my concern was that I'd avoid topics if they made him uncomfortable. That one of the notes at the bottom was about that, the dream. Like if I had a dream that he was in, it could be something fruitful to discuss, but now I'd be reluctant to bring it up for fear that it would weird him out. Even though all kinds of people show up in my dreams. He said a dream wouldn't bother him.

I said, "OK, so you were in my dream the other night. We were working together, and you were my boss. Which I feel has meaning." T agreed. He made a comment about what sort of dream might make him uncomfortable. I said how maybe it would be weird if it was a sex dream? He said no, not really. I said, "Oh, like a dream about someone killing you?" He said yes, more like that.

I brought up the judging thing, how he didn't seem to understand. I worried that maybe it's just that he was so self-confident and mentally healthy that he'd never felt judged or shamed in his life. He gave a little laugh and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone has felt that at some point, unless maybe if they're a complete narcissist." I said good, that I was just scared he wouldn't get it. He said how I tend to generalize, like my comment about how his not getting one thing I was saying meant he didn't get me in general. I said I do tend to generalize like that, not just with him. Like if you don't understand this...how can you understand other stuff?

I explained more about feeling judged about the stone. He seemed to get it more this time. He apparently thought I was trying to say he was passing judgment on me. I said it didn't matter what his or someone else's intention might be, that they could have the best intentions, but I can still feel judged. I said how I knew it tied into childhood, and I gave an example. I feel like he finally got it...

He said how with giving me feedback he's trying to help me with other relationships. That he's sharing his reactions, when other people might not. When they might be thinking something in reaction to me, but not share it, and it could even possibly lead to the end of a relationship. That he isn't trying to be hurtful. I said that was similar to how I felt about working through transference, like using my relationship with him as a model for others.

Then I said I wasn't sure what he thought I meant by "transference," that maybe he was thinking about what had happened with ex-MC and assumed when I talked about transference for him (T), I meant that. Like maybe because at the end, with the e-mail, there was the romantic love, that T may have thought that's what I meant when I said "transference." Looking him right in the eyes, I said, "That's not what's going on here. I don't feel romantic love for you." He thanked me for clarifying that.

I said really, with ex-MC, yeah, there was some romantic stuff mixed in there, but the parts that were really hard for me was the paternal transference. I said there was stuff MC did that contributed to it, like talking about his kids so much and drawing connections between his relationship to them and with me. I said I appreciated that T didn't talk about his son...at all, really. T: "Well, therapy is supposed to be about you, not me." (I just let that one go...)

I said how I had felt some paternal sort of things for him...like in telling him about getting the PhD interview, the way I felt about his reaction to that was different from H's or my friends--that my thought was "Aw, he's proud of me." Which is like what a kid would want from their parent. T said of course he was proud of me. I said I could give another example but felt awkward...managed to spit out that when he'd said the thing about feeling older, I had the desire to say something like, "You don't seem that age" or something to make him feel better. And that instinct is the sort of thing I'd want to explore, like where is that coming from. He said maybe I was just being nice (I didn't want to explain it more at the time).

I talked more about feeling that he'd been dishonest with me from start, by saying he was willing to work with transference, then seeming to change that belief. T said that life is uncertain--he might say and mean a certain thing at one point, but that doesn't guarantee that he'll feel the same thing later on. T: "I'm feeling this relationship out along with you." Me: "I get that." T: "And I hate to say this, but I'll most likely hurt you again. Not because it's my intention at all, but because of a misunderstanding." Me: "I understand."

Stone thing came up, how I regretted telling him that I'd held it. How if I just hadn't said that, we wouldn't be dealing with all this right now (lots of tears there). T: "Maybe it had to happen." I said maybe... T talked about how he thought it wasn't healthy for me if I was attached to him as a person, but maybe he was wrong about that? As in, maybe he was wrong regarding the stone.

We had about 10 minutes left. T looked at me quizzically and said, "Can I ask you a question?" Me: "OK." T: "How do you feel this session went? Because like I said in the e-mail, I feel I often have a very different sense of a session than you did. And I think this went fairly well, but what do you think?" Me: "I think it went well, that it was a generally good session." I started crying again. T: "But you just said things were OK--why are you crying right now?" Me: "I don't know...relief maybe? I was really anxious coming in. I was afraid it would go badly. That I'd have to leave. I mean, I know I have to leave this session soon! I mean stop seeing you."

T said he was glad I said it had gone well. But that he thought some past sessions had gone well, and I seemed OK at the end, but then I let him know (e-mail or next session) that I wasn't OK. He said there was some Murphy's Law thing about...if you have a barrel of sewage and add a teaspoon of wine, you have a barrel of sewage. If you have a barrel of wine and add a teaspoon of sewage...you have a barrel of sewage (like because the one bad thing ruins the good stuff). So he wondered if it was like that for me or if I could take the good parts and kind of balance it out. I said I definitely recalled the good parts, but was just more likely to talk about the negative. He said good, that he hoped I'd also consider that when thinking about our relationship. I said I'd try.

When I left, he shook my hand (as usual), saying, "Good luck out there today," I said "You too." He held onto my hand a couple seconds longer than usual, like nonverbal reassurance or something. He said to remember that his e-mail policy is still the same, it hasn't changed (in other words, "E-mail me if you need to"). I said I knew that and thanks. headed out.

I'm not sure if I did a good job of capturing this in the writeup, but his demeanor just seemed very different this session as compared to Monday or Tuesday. He seemed kind of...gentler, softer. And like he was really trying to understand, and I feel like maybe he did--or certainly better than before.

This sounds like a really productive session LT. It seems like your T is hearing your concerns, really taking them into consideration and making some adjustments which is great.

A couple of things:
1. It seems like your T needs reassurance/confirmation that he's doing his job. My T is the same. If I only talk about my problems, she doesn't see how I'm progressing. So I have to remind myself to share both the good and bad.

2. About the wine/sewage scenario: I'm the same way. If my T does one thing wrong, it has the potential to make me feel like everything is ruined. She says that once I'm in the phase where I think she's "bad", not much will get me out of it. That's why sometimes she doesn't respond to emails because it will only add "fuel to the fire". But when I see her in person, things are different. I'm more open to errors.

I think you might be right. I actually sent him the following e-mail after yesterday's session: "Just wanted to say that I felt really heard and understood in today's session. So, thank you." He replied with, "Thanks for the positive email, glad that it was a good session! Onward and forward " I'll try to give him more positive feedback in the future, too (maybe in session as opposed to e-mail though).

My ex-T seemed to have some issues with this, too, like at one point near the end of our time together she didn't seem to think I had progressed much. Which was difficult for me, because I felt I had! Though now...I feel I've progressed much more in much less time with this T, so maybe I really hadn't.

And interesting that your T is like that--she strikes me as being very self-assured from the way you've described her, but maybe not?

It helps to know you can react that way, too. I think of a recent example, which was in person, when he said (in relation to something we were discussing) how he was much older than me, when he's not--he's only 7 years older. Which I took to mean he doesn't know my approximate age after 8 months of working together, so he must not know me at all if he doesn't know something that basic about me. Then he explained it as, it's more that he feels much older than 40 because he's close to 50. I wasn't sure why I had reacted so strongly, and he said maybe it was because I felt if he didn't know that, how could he know other things about me? And how I seem to worry a lot about people knowing or understanding me. I said that rang true. Like I take any sign of someone (like H) misunderstanding me and can generalize that to everything. Which is something I need to work on...

Anyway, I'm just rambling now! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

My T is self-assured about herself. But she can't read minds, so I have to remember to tell her when things are good/helpful. I tell her all the time now how x email helped, or x phone call helped, to even things we talked about in session. And I always tell her of my successes: walking outside, quitting smoking (even if it only lasted 9 days). And when I need something from her, I try to be a clear as possible: reassurance, encouragement, comfort, advice/opinion, etc. That way she knows what will help.

I think you're right, that he's willing to try says something says a lot, really. It probably also doesn't help that as I've explained transference to him before has been regarding what I experienced with ex-MC, which was an extreme end of it.