Couch 167 1/2; Tennis Anyone?

Walked into Piaf’s not really mad at her any more—there are worse things than a therapist mis-speaking. But even if I had still been mad, I would still have laughed when she handed over the letter I’d written (handwritten, double-spaced) with her own commentary between the lines, in which she used words like “Kafkaesque” to describe her missteps last session.

Although I was disappointed she’d never heard of peine forte et dure (harsh and forceful punishment), a medieval torture method, when I told her I felt like I was experiencing it in my meltdown Monday.

Ah, oh wow....I had no idea at all — I didn’t realize that WASP implies all of that stuff. When I first landed in the US, my Cuban-American room-mate’s mom would complain about how some folks in her suburban Virginia neighborhood acted high and mighty because they descended from folks who came on the Mayflower. But, other than that, I thought the whole thing was just a relic of the past and no one really paid attention to it much, other than in movies or TV or something.

I think you’ve got it right on something being really off about Blondie marrying someone not-WASP — she’s made sort of passing dismissive comments both about her husband’s and mother-in-law’s (she’s the first generation Italian) sentimentality / being excessively emotional etc (and in contrast to her) until she caught herself.

And, a while ago, when I was being a royal arse and asking her if she’d ever done something that was even slightly outside the norm (I’d thought she was being a tad judgmental about my choices and so, I was pettily retaliating), she mentioned dating black and brown men as the one area where she’d defied the norm — I kinda just stared at her puzzled because I didn’t think that for someone of our generation (she’s less than 10 years older than me), it’s such a big deal.

But, now from what you’ve said, her comment makes a lot more sense.

Second (or third) marriage and inheritance issues keep lawyers like me in business.
It is not, in my experience, very unusual for a divorced spouse to continue looking after a sick ex-spouse. The second woman I saw said she did it when her ex-husband was dying. Sometimes divorce is because people are not good at being married but they can still care about each other. In my lawyer world, the problems usually come in when a new spouse gets involved.
The first woman said she thought it was un-natural for people to be married for 30+ years to the same person. (Both of the women I recently hired were remarried )

I am Staying Home.

It's been so busy here that I am looking forward to lounging in my pajamas until my brain melts on Monday.

The weather is supposed to be nice. I might see if I can insist that....er, convince, that's it...the crew to go hiking with me.

AY--OMG. Just the way she said that about her dating--and that she consciously views it as outside the box--is so telling. Yeah, the families are "First Families" in that they trace their lineage back to the original Colonies (the Mayflower being the creme.) It's pockets of the Northeast, VA, Mainline Philly, a few other places where families settled the colonies. There's also often involvement with the Daughters of the American Revolution, esp prized in VA. It really is a sub-culture, I think.


Excessive sentimentality--oh yes: stiff upper lip and all that. Emotion is "sloppy"; and there's a distinct connotation of lower class behavior. Never a public display of any emotion. Very unseemly. Her becoming a therapist is even odd.

Maybe it’s another form of not-quite-carried-through rebellion, like the interracial dating? She wants to be different...but ultimately can’t.

I suppose it’s at least a different unsuitable reason for becoming a therapist.

Sometimes Blondie elicits from me that Jimmy Stewart line in The Philadelphia Story: “CK Dexter Haven, you have unexpected depths!” Sometimes.

Would it help if I said Blondie was rather prescient on what exactly my mom got up to?

Just spoke to my mom -- I guess it's no surprise that there's no medical emergency anywhere on the horizon (long story short, it's meant for my brother who's been milking them dry, it seems).

I think I'm going to go to bed and maybe just stay there....for a while.

P.S. I owe my sanity, or whatever's left of it, to the collective awesomeness of the Couch

Even those of us who put cheese in rice?

On cultural stuff about giving money to family, especially parents...

It's huge in my culture even when parents are really abusive. It's literally raising kids to be your caretaker and safety net and cash machine when parents are old.

My parents have life insurance on me since I was really young. One reason why I haven't offed myself yet is because I don't want them to get the sweet sweet payout...

Of course I give them a chunk of my paycheck each month. Even my friend who was put into foster care and hasn't lived with his parents since 11? does so for his parents. Even though they tell him to kill himself.

It's such an obligation. There is SO much crap if you don't. Even with horrific abuse. Physical, sexual, emotional, neglect etc. Doesn't matter...

Another friend from my country waited till he could migrate to the USA then cut off family ties. So they'd get some geographic distance from the immediate and extended family. Cited the individualistic culture.

It's hard to explain to someone like Blondie probably. The collectivist culture. Of course it isn't just confined to POC cultures.

Sorry, I'm safe, just in a really bleak mood.

Well, just finished a 50 hour work week. I'm tired of working in industries where unpaid overtime is the norm. Not like they pay me a lot.

After my last session I feel like I just want to give up on therapy.

He's always been calm and cool as a cucumber, but seeing him frustrated at me hurt more than anything. I'm not the best therapy client.I know I shut down and dissociate, but I feel like he should have handled it better.

I posted the whole thing in ITS, but it's the effed up comment I can't get over.

""When I leave here, what then how will you feel on the weekend after I'm gone? You'll know this was the opportunity you had to speak to me, but you spent the whole session effed up playing with the fragmented picture ( It was a card I had ripped up) and crying. Maybe you'll feel like you'd like to speak to me or send me a message. "

I know I cry a lot but that's only because I've felt safe enough to do it in front of him. The whole thing just brings up a lot of shame and my child parts don't feel safe.

Hey couch! Coming back to you all because I want opinions.

T and I talk a lot about how I view myself. Admittedly I don’t have a very high view of myself. So, t generally Is always trying to point out the good in me. My son’s t as well, only because I think I am a horrible parent.

So last couple of sessions with my t he really has been on this I am not bad kick. I think though, after working with me for almost 7 years perhaps he has idealized me. I know in the t client relationship it generally the other way around. I think he has a too high view of me, and perhaps there is some countertransference going on. However, to talk about it with him would mean t would just say I don’t want to believe somebody would think I am good.

But then, my son’s t emails me this week and it’s a link to a job opening. She knows I am in school to be a social worker, and looking for a job in entry levels positions in the field to get my foot in the door. And this job I am way under qualified for, but she thought I should apply. And hello.. another example of therapists thinking way too much of me.

Tell me this is not crazy thinking, do you think T’s can and do idealize clients. Maybe want the to be better than they really are?

I'm sorry...that comment would make me feel shame and like a scolded child as well. Do you think you could talk to your T about how it made you feel? With that last sentence, was he saying it was OK to speak to him or send a message this weekend? Or by "I'm gone" did he mean out of town, so you can't contact him?

At the moment I feel like I don't want to see him and just want to skip my next session, which would be classic acting out .

"The gone" bit would mean when the session was over. He has allowed out of session contact which he didn't previously do but I wouldn't want to reach out.

LC - I have read that sort of thing is a technique they use at clients to shake them up. I would not take it to heart.

Healed - Is it possible they have a different definition of good than you are using? I think those guys can overstate just like anyone else. I would hesitate to call it idealize in this case due to the range of what makes a person good or good enough but I don't think it can't ever happen.

I think we are our harshest critics.We can't see what we posses. It wouldn't matter if someone shouted at us good will hunting style that we were worthy- it still wouldn't sink in because the notion that we aren't good is so deeply ingrained in us. Until we can see it for ourselves, trust their belief in us.

I would encourage you to apply too!

My longtime T definitely idealized me. I mean, they only see what we choose to show them in session. It's not surprising.

But I don't think you're bad, healed.

I've been seeing my T for almost seven years (not continuously, though) and I think she is far less likely to idealize me at this point. She knows me really well and has heard about all of my complicated stuff and incurred my wrath on more than one occasion. So I'd be more likely to trust your T's opinion, not less. But I think it's good to talk about this if it's a concern you have. Negative self-image stuff is a beast to conquer, and it can be so hard to see yourself clearly when you have a lot of negative things clogging up your brain.

A couple days ago, I came home and was so in need of sun and fresh air that I walked over and wound the pea vines around the trellis before I even went into the house. I was pretty up close with those pea vines, and they were only green and vine-y. A couple hours later, I looked out and saw this:



Now my peas are covered with blossoms and my nasturtiums are started to bloom, and we've been eating greens from the garden almost every night.

I was thinking last night about how working on the garden a year ago gave me one thing to look forward to, one thing that was grounding and just for me (besides therapy which is often not as nurturing and pleasant as the garden, because the garden doesn't ask questions).

This year, it's just about delight and good work and dirt and fresh veggies.

If two people are seeing strength, competence, positives, likely they are seeing and reflecting the positives they see in you.

I hope you apply for the job.

Why is couch so dead?

Holiday weekend?

But it means I can jump on the furniture!

And sneak some of SD’s scotch.

It's a mystery.

I am recovering from an attempt at thinking that I could down a large pitcher of Michelada and kinda, well, be okay.

Also, in the cheese-with-rice category, Michelada is definitely going in until someone can give me a really better recipe.

Is cheese with potatoes OK? That’s what’s in the oven now.

Want some of SD’s scotch?

Yes! (To both.)

Are you trying to make the dishes for your story featuring the 5-course?

I think you totally should and report on it as a PSA (and gladden your mother's heart as well).