Feeling bitter and resentful about therapist's situation

I agree with what SE said (though I don't quite follow the first sentence). Therapists are good at making promises, and elevating themselves to savior status, but not so good at accepting responsibility when their "life transformation" fantasies crash and burn. They have a nasty habit of blaming their victims.

I had one more thought. Could this be an enactment, bc the situation is intense on both sides so the T's private stuff is ping ponging with yours? Did you project your anger on her bc you feel badly about having it, and she expressed it for you bc she feels guilty down deep but hasn't really dealt with all of that yet?

Agree- it was more of just a joke from LT's therapist.

The T's here all want online google plus reviews. Isn't that the same thing?

I'm probably the only one here who feels uneasy about the stuffed animal. Maybe it's because I don't have kids. IDK. It's as if you're trying to express through your T that you forgive the baby for causing this whole mess?

I've followed this thread from the beginning with interest. I hope tomorrow goes well, MindM.

@SalingerEsme: Do you mind rephrasing that? What do you mean when you say that the therapist expressed it for me because she feels guilty deep down? What did she express? When you say that the therapist's private stuff was ping ponging with mine, did you mean that maybe she was probably mad at me or some things that I said? On my part, when I interrupted her, it was a practical thing because we were running out of time in the session, and it seemed that she misunderstood my intention and I knew what she was going to say. So I interrupted her at that point. It was a practical thing for me - not a projection. I've no trouble expressing or verbalizing my anger directly. LoL.

@SparkySmart: Hmm; that's a good thought. But I'm certain that that's not the motivation behind me having the thought of getting a stuffed animal for the baby. While I hate babies, I think that I'm actually more angry at parents for having coitus in the first place and creating life. I wrote in one of my posts a few weeks ago when I first started this thread about how I think that people should be adopting babies or kids instead of creating more life. Why bring more life into this world when there are kids without a home? Kids are narcissistic projects for parents. I mean, save a life, you know? I think if I'm to be brutally honest with myself - something that I'm not fully ready to do yet, but you guys seem like good people, so I'll share it with you - I think it's more feelings of jealousy towards the grandbaby. I feel shame just thinking and putting this out there. To have two loving parents and a grandmother who is willing to make such "sacrifices" and move to a different state for a year? That's a whole lot of love right there. Some of us never had it, never knew it, and won't ever know what it's like. But whatever. I don't need it, anyway. Don't mean to sound cliche, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Anyway, I think that as I'm processing all of this especially after the insight that I had, I'm beginning to see the grandbaby as an innocent little thing who was just born too early. I don't know how to express such touchy, lovey-dovey, and positive feelings very well. Like I said, I prefer if people thought of me as an a-hole. I feel vulnerable otherwise. But as schizoid as I may be, when I think of the grandbaby now, there's something gentle and tender in me that comes up. And that makes me want to get him or her a stuffed animal. Nothing fancy. Just something small and soft. I don't know. I haven't dealt much with babies. But I got a stuffed animal for the baby of a friend who lives out-of-state when I visited her. Like I said, sure, this is a professional relationship, but we can't forget the part about being human. That's why I asked the therapist to give her daughter a hug from me while she was in the hospital when all this started late last year. I wasn't taking on the identity as a patient then; it was from one human being to another. I think that as I'm processing all of this and working through my feelings, coming into terms with the situation, et cetera, I start to feel more in touch with this other part.

@unaluna: No worries about the hijacking. It seems like some of you are benefitting from this thread. Personally, I agree with you. I wouldn't want the therapist's world and mine colliding. I wouldn't add these mental health professionals on social or professional networking sites. Heck. I'm already afraid of running into the therapist outside of session on the streets or in the store.

Perfectly understandable. No shame in feeling that way. Some kids get all the breaks.

I'm not much of a baby person myself...I never had any maternal instinct. I wanted to travel instead. Babies all look pretty much the same to me. Now I can deal with 5 year olds; they're pretty funny and interesting, and the ones I meet are pretty darned articulate.

@SparkySmart: Tell me about it. I used to hate babies and kids. Then I started working with kids. Now I hate them less; I think I'm neutral towards them. Maybe I should start working with babies. LoL. I agree that some people just don't have that paternal instinct.

I have a 7-year-old daughter, and I'm very much not a baby person. Still am not (I'm the person when someone is passing around their baby to hold, and I'm like "No thanks!") I do better with older kids.

Quoting what I wrote earlier: I think it's more feelings of jealousy towards the grandbaby. I feel shame just thinking and putting this out there. To have two loving parents and a grandmother who is willing to make such "sacrifices" and move to a different state for a year? That's a whole lot of love right there. Some of us never had it, never knew it, and won't ever know what it's like.

I have more thoughts on that.

I guess that's the reason why I think that the therapist should stay here for over fifteen or so of her patients instead of moving to help with the grandbaby. The grandbaby, after all, does already have at least two loving parents. Now s/he is going to have a third warm embrace. Some of us didn't even receive one of it. Yes; she is a therapist, not our mother - not that I need or have any desire for one. But is this world really that cruel? I can feel tears at the back of my eyes right now. I don't like the term "savior mindset" because I don't think of myself as anything great, but I'm guessing this is why I choose to help a client at work or a friend over a family member if the former is in greater need of help or would benefit more from me helping them. I guess in my mind, I held the therapist to that level of compassion. But at the end of the day, this is just a job. We're nothing more than work, nothing more than cases like ink on paper, and nothing more than money to them. Sure; the therapist kept the same low fee for me after she left the clinic and started seeing patients in private practice. But maybe this gives her some kind of narcissistic pleasure if not for some other self-benefitting purpose. The way I see it, humans are essentially selfish and self-centered animals. They wouldn't engage in something unless there is something in it for them.

What more is there to say.

Indeed. But say it as many times, in as many ways, as you need to. Sometimes it just takes a lot of time to process.

It's three and a half hours away to my last in-person session with the therapist. Aside from feeling very nervous, I can't seem to feel anything else. I feel like there's sadness and disbelief deep down, but I can't seem to feel it.

I hope you're okay, and that there's some feeling of a good goodbye. Numb, in my experience, usually isn't good. It is like when you fall and break your ankle, there's that delay between the injury and the pain, a cushion made of shock . I hope your T rises o the occasion and gives you something powerful to take with you on your way.

@SalingerEsme: We talked about it. I think she's leaving with a scarf that she uses, a small little building plank that we might decorate in session later, and a pillow. She brought the pillow in when we had to move to her new office. Apparently, I get to take that back with me if I want. But if she does return after twelve months, I would return her all these things. I don't really like holding onto things.