Feeling bitter and resentful about therapist's situation

I don't see you as heartless, but it's not your beliefs that I was suggesting some further inquiry into, if it would be helpful to you. What I wonder about is why your agreement with the reason for someone else's life choices determines whether you are angry or not about a situation that is objectively painful and impacts you. I have a certain belief system and that's how I (hopefully) make most of my life choices, such as how to spend my money or leaving a job that wasn't right for me. But I don't understand why I would be angry or not about someone else's choice, based on whether I agreed that they were doing their life "right" or "wrong." That's all.

@BudFox: Hmm; that's strong. Is this really failed therapy? That scares me because a part of me already feels that there is something irreparable. Even if the therapist does come back after twelve months, I feel like things won't ever be the same. It's like something is broken in our therapeutic relationship and work beyond repair. I haven't spent much time thinking about this feeling and thought yet.

That said, however, I see where you're coming from. Why set us up for something so safe and then present something so risky or such a loss? The therapist, by the way, doesn't see this as a loss. I disagree. She insists. It makes me feel worse. At least just sit with me. Now is not the time to say anything hopeful or positive. It'll just make me feel worse because I don't believe in it. She thinks we'd be doing phone or video call, anyway, and said I would find that it wouldn't be much different. Isn't that for me to say, though, and not her? Hmm. Sorry, I sidetracked.

Well; my response to what you said is something that the therapist said. She said that external things in her and my life will come up during the course of therapy, and that we will work it out and see it through. I agree with her on that. Things happen. I just ask that they be sensitive, ethical, honest, and responsible in handling whatever comes up.

Anne2.0: Hmm; good question. Maybe I'm angry because it affects me? Say if I'm an observer in the situation, it would also annoy me, but not to this extent of feeling angry about it. I tend to absorb things around me - even if it has nothing to do with me. It's one of the reasons why I don't read the news anymore. If someone - even a stranger - does something I disagree with strongly, it bothers me. Maybe I'm a nutcase for being so sensitive.

So it's 9:21pm where I'm at. Therapy ended at 7:30pm. I'm still in the waiting room. I was about to leave, but started crying hard. My eyes and face are too red to walk out now. There are no tissues in the waiting room.

I thought about getting the grandbaby a small little stuffed animal. Would that be inappropriate? I think it's my way of processing and accepting the situation as part of life.

I am getting so much out of this thread, so thank you for sharing your difficult life- moment here with us. This is my nightmare- what is happening to you- and I know I would handle it horribly.

@SalingerEsme: I'm glad you're benefitting from this thread. Don't be quick to think that you would handle it horribly. Sometimes we don't know what we can do until we're in the situation. You might surprise yourself.

It's unconscionable. Therapists should never suggest it's a safe. It's unsafe. That should be emphasized. I think the crux of the problem is that therapists aggressively preach that everything revolves around the cient, and people start to believe it on some level.

Obviously something could derail the process, and the therapist might have no control over this. But what if this leaves the client in a very bad state? Should this be written off as a "s**t happens" moment? That is ridiculous.

What about the money, time, emotional energy the client has invested in the process over many months or years? Erased. No recourse, no compensation. Therapist walks away unscathed and with all your cash. Insane. I realize your therapist was charging a low fee. Ok so it's slightly less exploitive.

The therapist who dispatched me tried to get me to accept it was not a loss or damaging experience. Was another manifestation of the needs hierarchy. Her need to hold on to a narrative of success trumped my need for reality. If this compounded my misery, that was a matter for the "next therapist". Dirty dirty business.

I do try not to reply to many of your posts bc I disagree so completely and I dont' want to get into an argument or whatever...but if therapy is inheritely unsafe, how could anybody ever feel better? You must admit that some people do get better with therapy, or is that just a random happenstance, like a percentage error?

EDIT: I don't disagree completely with your points, as I do see there are major problems with the system of therapy. I just disagree with you painting the whole therapy profession with one wide brush.

I don't see inherent danger and successful outcomes as mutually exclusive. The dangers or limitations can be overcome in some cases and produce a good result.

I think if you just run down the list of basic realities and rules of therapy, it looks quite dangerous. That's my honest perspective. It horrifies me what therapists get away with.

@BudFox: I'm really sorry that your therapist "dispatched" you. No doubt that such an experience would leave you not believing in the notion of therapy at all. The therapist is still continuing her practice through phone and video call. You're right, though, that therapy can be a risky thing because patients can get dropped anytime. What kind of guarantee would make you feel safe?

Anyway, just in case no one saw my post: I've been thinking about getting the grandbaby a stuffed animal. LoL. I'm not good with expressing touchy feelings. I like it better when people think of me and see me as an a-hole. LoL. But this is my way of processing it. Is it inappropriate? I don't want to get one if the therapist will reject it.

I would be tempted to do the same thing. I did not go back and read your entire thread so I don't know how much time you have to make a decision. Has your T accepted gifts in the past?

I believe my T would accept a gift like this given that we talk about it and she understood the significance of it. I probably wouldn't tell her about it beforehand, just talk about it as I gave it to her. My T has accepted gifts from me before.

No; I haven't talked with her about it. Tuesday is the last in-person meeting before she leaves. It doesn't seem like she has the time for an additional session beforehand. It's something that I thought about doing, but was a fleeting idea. I had an epiphany today, though. I think it doesn't matter what her reason is for moving. I've always known her to be a reasonable person. Maybe I could just trust it and her. I think I'm beginning to accept the situation after this insight. So now I really feel like I should get the grandbaby a stuffed animal. As much as I am not fond of babies, I mean, the baby is just a little thing born too early and I bet it wasn't an easy ride for him or her. I'm not good at expressing such touchy stuff. It's disgusting. LoL. But I think it's my way of expressing something that I cannot yet put into words. If I do it, I hope she accepts it; otherwise, I would be very embarrassed and feel burned. It's kind of like a turtle coming out of its shell and then you torch its head. LoL. It's difficult for me to express things like that. No; I've never given her a gift before, so I really have no idea how she would respond.

I think it would be perfectly appropriate to get the baby a stuffed animal gift, maybe an animal you admire or have a particular connection too. I think you've made a lot of progress on a very difficult issue.

FWIW my first therapist as an adult when I was willing to dig into some traumatic childhood stuff "left" me after two years and a lot of difficult stuff done. I say left because even though he kept his private practice, he also joined the department at a college where I taught so I had to quit seeing him. It was hard but I think the experience taught me something about loss that stuck with me, and some of what I came to know about grief and still living openhearted was useful in my future when I lost other important people in my life. It was still tough when I was going through it but I have found that even the heartbraking stuff in my life has been useful to me. What feels like bitter now may be bittersweet in the future.

Good for you! Can you e-mail or call her before your session to ask if it would be okay to get a stuffed animal for the baby?

Lol I wish I knew you in real life. I think with this kind of talking truth to power coaching, I could kick the therapy addiction. I believe what you say with my mind and my emotions- in my mind I know T doesn't specifically care about me unless a general sense of caring about humanity, and that he could change coasts or go back overseas or just not like it here( or his wife hate it). However, he acts as if I am important to him nd choses pretty language like stay the course I'll be right beside you. . . and I fall in love. Not in love with him, but that there is a wise figure who is going to be by mysids on a journey through the difficult past to heal and redeem it. I am attached to that narrative, and it feels like he cares. After LT's T used Linked in as an example of a Nono, I did my first little rebellion and Linked In's my T. We had to have a discussion about therapy boundaries being for my safety, and I finally said - PLEASE. It is for your convenience, and I have a ton of local linked in contacts who would be great for you to meet being new in town. Your choice though. He was flustered- he said yes my choice in a way bit let's talk more about it for you. I said there's nothing really for me- just trying to be friendly and include you. He didn't like that at all, bc it was a huge shift in 'tude for me acknowledging that we are peers in most ways rather than sitting at the feet of the powerful one.

Yeah; some people on the forum thought that I was heartless, selfish, and an a-hole when I started this thread almost a month ago, but it was really about the bitterness and resentment that I was feeling at that time. I'm not a complete heartless person. When the therapist had to make an emergency trip back in November when the baby was born, I told the therapist to give her daughter a hug for me. The therapist either said that she can't or won't tell the daughter who it's from, but she said that she will do it, and only she - the therapist herself - will know that it's from me. LoL. Yeah; this is a professional relationship and all that stuff, but we're humans and some of things that I say or do in therapy is from one person to another - not necessarily the identity as patient to therapist.

Hmm; I'm afraid of emailing or calling her about it. I'm not sure if it's something she would get into outside of session, but due to how Tuesday is the last session we see each other, she might make an exception? I really don't know. I shared some of this thread with her, though. Maybe I could send her an email with some of these posts, so she knows what I'm thinking and feeling before I see her on Tuesday?

Don't get me wrong. Having this insight doesn't mean that I'm no longer anxious, worried, angry, or sad. It's still a process going on. This doesn't mean I suddenly became a baby-lover either. LoL.

My T is fine with accepting expensive gifts, but not linked in invites - go figure

I think it wouldn't hurt to try, especially since it is your last session.

mm, a small gift for the little one it is a lovely thoughtful gesture. Not inappropriate at all.

Many things put me off therapy. That experience was just the catalyst. Took a couple more years. Guarantee... i'm not in therapy. I never expected guarantees though. My point is that i think the alleged safety is a lie. And I thnk it's important to call out that lie. You can be dropped, yes, but i think it's usnafe in terms of the basic interaction.

I hope the phone/video thing works out for you. I found it impossible enough in person, cant imagine doing it remotely. No in-person contact/proximity seems problematic.

@BudFox: So you're basically also struggling with what SalingerEsme said earlier, "The problem with therapy is that the therapists act " As If" what the clients need in relationship is true, and are trained to do so. They don't really believe they have responsibility commensurate with the tone of promise and investment they convey. Just my observation."

I think just bringing your gift for the baby to session is a lovely and entirely appropriate gesture. I think your T would recognize the gesture as important for you, too.

In my heart, I really feel like getting a stuffed animal for the baby, but I feel like the therapist hates me right now. I felt really bad after our session on Friday because she got visibly angry when I interrupted her. She also seemed exasperated or exhausted. I felt like a disappointment. We were done with therapy at 7:30pm. I didn't leave the waiting room and building until 9:30pm or so. I was crying hard. I cannot seem to cry in front of her. When I imagine handing her the stuffed animal, I imagine her thinking and feeling, "You're disgusting and I want nothing to do with you." Maybe I'll just slip away and disappear after she moves. Forget that any of this ever happened. Free others from me and unburden them.

I think emotions tend to run high all around at thee sorts of times.

I wouldn’t base the idea of what you think she really feels — given that you’ve been seeing her a couple of times a week for more than 2 years — off of an expression or gesture or two in a session.

Even if she’s currently feeling frustrated with you, I highly doubt — from all that you’ve said — that that’s her underlying actual disposition towards you.

I know this is a bit of a hijack so sorry, but - for every linkedin comes the innocent question, so how do you know this person? For every patient - what would a t say? The same lie? A different lie? How would they maintain your (and all clients) confidentiality? And why would you want them to know your friends and acquaintances? Worlds colliding is never good!