How do i become less avoidant

I am extremely avoidant and want to know how other avoidant people get over this. Any mention of feelings and i dissociate, talk around the topic or just plain ignore it.

Probably by having a safe relationship with my t. You know, working thru that whole glass of water thing. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. Or some other benchmark. Can you look back and find one?

Thats my whole problem i sometimes feel safe but mostly wary. How do i make it safer.

Thats why you take a benchmark. Like marking on the wall how much your kids have grown? Reminisce with your t about how you used to do x with him, now you dont. He should have some insights of his own. You have to make a conscious effort to notice these things or else they dont register. Like kids height. Safety comes with that acknowledgement. IMO.

I think this is a great idea Una, and I think I do this too. It's kind of reassuring when I get upset over something. I'm kind of reminding myself and T that last year or a couple of years ago, it would have been worse. T always agrees!

Don't think we need to get over it as much as understand it.
I still don't bother having friendships.
Didn't before therapy, and still don't.
I understand why now. But because of the sum total of my life I am how I am and I'm happy with that now.
I use to feel I should have friends, do friend things.
I've dropped the should and know for me I can only tolerate small doses of other people.

I have never been extremely avoidant but was definitely more on that side of the spectrum when younger and still have traits. For me, the way forward came from having good, meaningful relationships in my everyday life - friends and intimate partners. I can very easily get into a (for me, false) state of perception when I feel like I don't want to have complex relationships with people, that I don't need them, that I am fine being on my own in a large portion of time... in part bacuse I have a very active and rich inner world, so rarely feel bored and empty. And only recognize it's being unhealthy from obvious symptoms of depression and anxiety. Usually not severe enough to feel lonely, hopeless, alienated, but enough to cause blocks in areas of my life that are not even closely tied to relationships, e.g. creative work and professional motivation/productivity. Luckily (although I don't always feel that way) my work is very collaborative and can provide lots of social interactions. Of course those are not intimate relationships.

What really makes a difference for me is having 1-2 genuine, close friendships at any given time with decent, respectful people that share interests, are similar or at least compatible in interaction style, and need for substance. I had a few long periods in my life when I avoided these and definitely experienced negative effects. I don't think I could personally get this from therapy as I want the close relationships to be equal and balanced. So I look for them in everyday life.

I like una's benchmark idea. Even though I have experienced similar outside of therapy, it is indeed very rewarding and inspiring to see the development. I do have to force myself regularly to maintain relationships but, if the person is right, it is definitely worth the effort.

I also benefited a lot in terms of improving my avoidance from serious crisis situations, when I really was not able to resolve them on my own, and other people came to help in very significant ways without my even asking. I did not refuse it initially because I felt truly helpless and unable to turn it over myself. I let them in and let them help because I could not do it on my own and my own methods did not work.

The other side of it is that, I think, some avoidant streaks can be pretty beneficial and make life easier. Of course it depends what kind of avoidance and the extent of it. Not having to struggle with constant need for attention, not getting overly worried what others think of me, being autonomous and independent are not flaws in my view, and I think these things tend to come more easily for those who do not rely on relationships for many aspects of fulfillment. It can also be quite protective regarding manipulation and abuse. I definitely think that my avoidant streaks kept me from being traumatized by a therapist who was a real jerk, for example. It provides a level of immunity even if some call it resistance.

I'm this way, I don't want new friends etc, but my T keeps saying I need a bigger support system so I feel like I have to

The thought of making new friends makes me very uncomfortable and sick but I'll probably do it and just settle with whatever I find lol.

I'm also very avoidant but I'm not even sure if I really want to make any friends. Not that I would know how to become friends with someone.

Xynesthesia mentioned that her work is very collaborative. I'm in science too and I realise that this is a very realistic reason I might fail because I'm not able to do this networking thing. I don't like to work in someone else's project under someone else's supervision or guidance (and somehow I have the situation that I don't have to) but in order to do the things I would like to I should be able to collaborate with people who are interested in same things and I feel I just can't do it and maybe I don't even want to. I haven't come to the conclusion yet but I'm seriously thinking about giving up my job in academia because I know that realistically I can't get anywhere unless I start networking. And I have zero desire to do that (don't know how to do that either). And no one comes and does it for me or makes it easier for me.

I have instituted a life-long system of rewards for good social behavior. I started doing it in High School (yes, children went to school back then too!).

If I go out to a social function, I can have a frozen peppermint patty upon arrival home.

If I attend church, I can go for a walk with my dog and space out in nature.

If I stop at the local bar for a drink and...gasp..conversation with strangers, sleep in the next day and read to my heart's content.

You get the point.

I have zero desire to do most of these things, most of the time. But a lot of the time, once I get going, I forget about my heavy-duty avoidant character and it goes okay.

This is one area where I basically went exposure therapy method. I made the choice, not my T. It has all be around talking to T about my feelings towards her and what occurs with us. I have little problem talking about feelings to one person that happen with with a different person. It's talking directly to the person I have the feelings or had an emotional response to an event that cause my problems.

I started with her reading what I wrote between session in sessions while I waited. She'd want to talk about it after she read it and I'd be all blank - it was all there on the paper.

Then I started reading what was written and dissociating pretty much as soon as I was done. Slowly over time, the dissociation got less extreme and more capable of telling her that I wasn't hearing her anymore and we're able to stop or back away from the topic some.

She also immediately respects my request to talk about something else; which has helped.

The biggest thing that has helped is she doesn't take any of it personally, at least towards me. If she does, she deals with it outside of the sessions. She makes it always about me, what I am feeling, why I am feeling that, how do those feelings show up elsewhere. I don't get yelled at (which for me does not mean a raised voice). When appropriate she has acknowledged her part in the interactions.

We've also done the reflect back on how far I have come in talking about stuff. It helps to see that there has been progress.

I think a safe relationship with T, over time their consistency and caring will help you...

I'm going to assume that you asking this question means you want to try and improve on it.

I wonder if you can try to use exposure to deal with it. People with social difficulties often have this, where the best way to improve is forcing themselves to interact with others. It could be similar for you, put yourself in situations where you open up to others, possibly starting with those you trust.

The other aspect of this is try to maintain focus outwards rather than inwards. Part of your hesitancy might be you're too focused on your own feelings or putting yourself in a vulnerable position. However, if you initially focus on the feelings of the person you and speaking to and stay focused on them by asking questions, it will hopefully help you relax.

I am much, much less avoidant than I used to be. I used to be very, shy. I'd usually have one or two friends and I'd be ok with my family, but anyone else would make me anxious. I didn't like going to parties or have to make small talk. I spent the first year in therapy terrified the entire time.

I did two things. First I got on an antidepressant. Those actually do help a little bit with shyness. The second thing I did was make it a rule that I would "do it anyway." I no longer waited to feel comfortable before I did something. I'd do it anyway. I spent a lot of time doing things while anxious. But eventually the anxiety does subside. And then the next time the situation comes up it is much easier, because you know you survived the first time.

I have never wanted to be less avoidant. I have friends and colleagues and I like them -I don't fret or anything when they are not around and I like a lot of alone time but I don't consider whatever avoidant tendencies I have to be something I would not want to have.

I'm not clear whether you feel you're avoidant just in therapy when the focus is feelings, or generally in life in many situations?

To some degree, I think part of the problem is waiting for an internal signal to say it's OK. It's like feeling doesn't motivate behavior--action motivates (and can sometimes change feelings). It's a bit of a CBT thing.


So with your T, maybe benchmarks could help if you're also willing to take motivation from them and temporarily ignore your internal feeling/dialogue.


Your T may be able to help you with ways to not dissociate. I had to learn that it was a process and then learn to recognize the earliest hints, so that I could intervene. At first, all I could do was signal my T that it was starting, and he'd intervene. Slowly, I got better at going from recognition to intervention on my own.

A bigger challenge was in making the choice to not dissociate. When a defense has worked so brilliantly for so long, it's very difficult to choose to walk away from it. It's almost alluring, and I've wondered if there is a brain reward center parallel to drug effects that the more you dissociate, the easier it is to slip into.

I never used to be socially avoidant until i moved to this new state and I tried to make friends but they only used me as a baby sitting service. one mother actually admitted it it. Now I dont want to interact with anyone.

I have always been emotionally avoidant and i feel like this is keeping my therapy back. it seems nice when T describes what feelings can do but i find all of them over whelming.

I also had so many cycles of this throughout my career in academia! Don't like networking either, I learned to fake it and make it effective, but the so-called professional schmoozing is not rewarding for me for the most part. Working collaboratively with smart, like-minded people is though. I have also learned to focus on the work and productivity primarily and not get turned off by dealing with people I don't enjoy interacting with. Basically, focus on the professional purpose and not so much the professionals themselves. This way I tend not to avoid it much because I do want the results and the work to be done, that excites and motivates me. But still get fed up with the whole of academia every now and then. In my experience talking to others who have been in it for a while, I think everyone experiences these ups and downs. I guess in every profession. I've also developed a way to kinda have one leg in academia and another in my own private business, that has helped immensely.

I very much relate to becoming socially avoidant when in an environment that is not compatible with me. I have moved around quite a lot and had two periods becoming very socially isolated in that way. The last one was also plain destructive in other ways, I developed my most significant mental health issues during that era and am happy that I managed to escape it alive and now live in a very compatible environment. It's not without long-term, some most likely irreversible consequences. I don't think any amount of even the best therapy would have helped me personally very much if I remained in those environments longer.

The avoidance of emotions... I really have the impression that this is often exaggerated and overstated, especially by therapists - of course, T's job is to deal with emotions. I personally would not want to be someone who experiences a wreck to due emotional reactions to events all the time. I do find a little dissociation and ability to be able to detach from strong and often random emotions helpful and beneficial. Of course, as said before, the question is the extent of it. I liked the kind of therapy most useful where not everything was focused on my feelings but a lot on practical goals and how to achieve them. Deal with the feelings when they interfere with those goals, not merely for their own sake. I think it is important to have a compatible therapist whose approaches are not alien to our personalities, just like with the environments. Same for everyday relationships. I am definitely not avoidant socially when interacting with people whose style is similar to mine - then much easier to experience an emotional connection as well since it is not repulsive.