[MessyD]

I have a hard time opening up, it's been taking me really long time to let my T in but it is slowly getting better. Some sessions can be intense which I consider good because I'm pushing myself out of comfort zone and revealing my thoughts and feelings which isn't easy or natural for me. And even if it comes with mixed feeling I am excited for myself that I'm finally able to do that. But then the next session goes different, and I'm starting to think its a pattern, since it has happened couple time before and now recently again, after I let myself feel some anger for my T, and even admitted to it. I have difficult time with anger, so that is a bid deal for me.

So the session after, I find myself disconnected and foggy or blocking him and it's like my defenses are up again. I can hardly maintain eye contact and it's like I'm almost rejecting the connection. I don't realize it in the moment, it's not until later when I look back at the session. We have talked about it once, and we figured that maybe it's because I feel closer to him after a tough session and then I get scared and pull away? He reassured me that it's ok and normal feel that way so I thought it will be ok now but here we go, I find myself doing that again. Does anyone know what I'm talking about or have any experience with it? Will I always stay behind the walls?

I want to talk about it again but I feel silly bringing it up again.

[Fuzzybear]

I have a hard time opening up too, and I can relate to this. I don’t think it’s at all silly to bring this up again in therapy. With a good therapist, and with work from both of you, you won’t always stay behind the walls.

[dlantern]

Mee to I just love circumventing the issues, I am glad they get paid to at least sit there and act like they listen

It is a constant struggle to be open or even attempt to be open for me and if I open up too far, it's like I panic and retreat. I pull everything back behind the castle walls, pull up the drawbridge, and set archers along the perimeter. As I go along and as I open up more and learn to trust my T more, it becomes easier. There are still days where I am on high alert but they are not as frequent. It takes time though. You developed these defenses out of necessity and over a lot of years, your T understands that and understands that it's not an overnight process. I would almost guarantee that you are not the first or last client with the same issue. It's ok to bring it up and talk about it as much as you need to. 2 years with my T and I still bring it up occasionally. It's what they're there for.

[Lrad123]

I am the Queen of this behavior. I think it may be the whole fearful/avoidant and push/pull thing that many of us do. I worry that I should be over this phase by now and that I’m taking too long to let my guard down, but my T said not to think of it like a class that I’m getting graded on. Some of us just take longer than others. I bring it up and you should too if that’s what you want to talk about. I’m sure your T is aware of this pattern and would be open to talking about it.