Requesting a boundary change

My T responds to emails during office hours Mon-Thurs. If I email him on a weekend, he’ll respond on a Monday. Sometimes his responses are one sentence and sometimes they are longer and more thoughtful. Lately I have felt stressed out that he is not reachable on the weekends for a quick response. Our sessions are on Wednesday and by the weekend I often feel like our connection starts to fade in my mind. Last Saturday I sent an angry email partially about this which we mostly talked through last week. I asked him why he doesn’t respond on weekends and although I can come up with good answers on my own I just wanted to see what he would say. I happened to ask if his other clients email him and he said others only email about scheduling issues. I felt both embarrassed and touched by this at the same time. Embarrassed because I had just sent him an angry email and touched at the realization that he had been letting me do this even though it wasn’t the norm. I typically like to be “normal” and am a rule follower. He says I’ve had “relational trauma” and my needs have not been met which I think is why he’s been good about emails. I’m typically very independent and don’t rely much on others. However, I’m asking him for an occasional quick email response on weekends. He seemed to be talking aloud about the pros & cons of this during our last session which made me uncomfortable so I changed the topic.

Have you every asked your T for a boundary change? Do you think I’m asking too much? Am I just testing him?

My T used to frequently let me have an extra session if I was feeling bad (as in not quite suicidal but seriously distressed). Then a while ago he started offering only phone calls. A couple of weeks ago we talked about this and he stated that he did this on purpose. When I told him that I thought that was unfair and mean, he agreed and we agreed to change it back to that if I feel I need it, we can meet, given he has a free slot.

It's not exactly the same as your situation since your T never offered contact on weekends in the first place. But it's still asking for a change in some boundary things. I think it's reasonable to ask for it. But you also have to be prepared for the fact that your T might not want to respond on weekends. If you are open to that or maybe some compromise (for example maybe Friday or Thursday evening, or some other way of making you feel connected like a transitional object or similar), I think it's perfectly reasonable to at least ask.

I don't think you're asking too much, but I can also see why your T might not want to offer contact during his free time. It's always okay to ask though. If nothing else, at least it helps your T understand what you need and maybe there's a different way that you can get the thing you need.

Mine is the same, weekends are his time to be away from work things. Unless it's a legit crisis, like someone in my life died or something, he wont reply. It truly does suck but I've gotten used to it. I have had to learn other ways to cope on weekends like venting to people online, journalling or crisis line. I've mentioned it before about the weekends and he sticks with his reasons, I just have to respect it. I don't wanna be demanding and make him stop his private life for me.

I guess, I would work on other options to cope. I don't like relying on people either so coping skills I can do on my own are great for me, another one is journaling. There is a lot of nice Facebook groups for anxiety and such that you can vent on or here or reddit has a therapy forum etc.

I think this is the kind of thing that you have to talk to him about. I can tell you what I think is reasonable or what my therapist offers to me, but at the end of the day, this is something that only the two of you can work out together. I think that's part of what heals relational trauma, asking for what you need and negotiating getting your needs met with important others in respectful ways. That's true regardless of whether he says he can or can't do what you're asking.

For what it's worth, I would have been uncomfortable if my T had been mulling the question aloud in front of me too. Usually in that case she will say, "Let me think about that and get back to you." So hopefully if you decide to ask about weekend contact, your T will have had time since the initial conversation to decide what he is able to offer you.

I don't think it's terrible to ask, but he has the right to say no and if he does you'll need to accept it. Can you maybe think of other things that would help you get through the weekend besides email? Journaling, exercise, some activity you enjoy, getting in touch with a friend? Maybe you could talk over different ways to cope if he does not answer email.

I just sent him an email asking him to clarify what he feels comfortable with. It’s Saturday, so he won’t respond until Monday, and even then he will likely say, “Let’s talk about this on Wednesday.” I can and will find other things to do. I mean, before he was my therapist I spent every weekend without his email support, so obviously I can do it. I’m feeling high maintenance for even asking now because nothing is wrong with me. It just would be nice to get an email saying “I wanted to let you know I’m here” or something like that. Feels like sort of a lame request now.

I don't think it's high maintenance or lame or anything like that. Of course you can get through the weekend, but it bothers you. The only thing wrong with that is that it's unpleasant for you.

But I do wonder about emailing on a Saturday when you know you can't expect a real answer until Wednesday. If you were fine with that it would be no big deal, but it seems like you're testing him a little to see if he'll answer sooner and setting yourself up to be frustrated if he doesn't.

My T told me that I can email "Are you there?" and she will answer as soon as she sees it. But, typically my T doesn't answer emails on the weekend.

I think it's OK to ask. My T does generally look at and respond to e-mail on weekends (though he charges if it takes more than 15 minutes to read/respond, if I want a long detailed response, but that's the same policy for weekdays, too). He says with e-mail, he can choose when to look at it, so it's not really that intrusive. With texting/phone calls, he limits that to scheduling because that is more disruptive (he uses same cell phone for both work and personal). But, as someone else mentioned, what my T does has no bearing on what yours will be willing to do (I know many T's don't allow any e-mail at all).

What I'd suggest is telling him what you'd want from a response if you e-mail him on the weekend. If you'd be content with, say, a one-line response--confirming that he's read it/that he's there--let him know that. So that it wouldn't take that much of his time. Maybe he could agree to check e-mail once over the weekend (and possibly give a very brief reply), but not more than that. I've found that spelling out exactly what you're looking for can be helpful. And to explain why, like if you're having trouble with connection. Maybe even to agree not to send him long e-mails, but just something he could answer with a few words, like, "You're still there, right?" Just a few thoughts...

I think it's reasonable to ask, but you have to be prepared and willing to accept a no. Your T is a person too with his own needs. He may need this "break" from work related things to truly give his best to his clients including you. If he can't email on the weekends, maybe there are other workarounds. Some have already been suggested. Could you possibly change your appointment day to later in the week so the topics are fresh in your mind?

I would respectfully disagree that you have to be prepared and willing to accept a no. Some of my most productive therapy moments have happened when I have had a fairly emotional, seemingly immature reaction to something in therapy that I find painful, unfair, or unsatisfying. Does it hurt? Tremendously. Does my T change her mind or "fix" it? Not usually. But if people can't express anger, disappointment, or despair in therapy, then where can we? I'm not abusive or threatening to my T, but I do tell her exactly how I feel, even if other people would think those feelings are unacceptable, disproportionate, or embarrassing. I am unlearning how to suppress my emotions, and it is the most freeing experience of my life.

Em

Everyone handles no different. By preparing at least for me I don't go in completely hopeful and expecting it all to go my way. I prepare for a no. I sometimes cry or get angry before etc but it helps me handle the rejection easier when it happens.

I think many t's use weekends to step away from work so i would not expect wknd contact even thought at times it would be great. That's also a way i prepare for a no. Trying to understand the reason behind it

I think it is a good idea to ask. I think it would be good to be prepared for "no" without really being prepared for it. I think when the answer is no the best thing to do is not hold anything back and just respond as irrationally and immaturely emotionally as possible, just let the raw emotions out. At the same time, I don't think that this should be the reason for the T to change his answer (i.e. let himself be manipulated by your reaction) - but it is definitely his role and job to fully accept and tolerate your response - however unreasonable in retrospect it might sound.

I think it would be far more useful not to try to handle the rejection more easily but lean with all the emotional force on the T (in the session, of course, not later in the email) and let him handle it. If the T is good enough and can handle such situations, it would enable to take a large step forward.

I once emailed and asked if he was real. The connection was fading in my mind and I just wanted something even a sentence. At first I just wanted a response, and tried to disguise the question as a “real” question but eventually gave in and said I just wanted any old answer. I felt silly but I got an answer.

You might be right that I’m testing him. If I am, I don’t really know how to stop. In my real life I am much more disciplined and have more self-control. In the therapy world I don’t understand what I’m doing half of the time.

Like I said, everyone handles it different, this is how I've always handled rejection or possible rejection. It does not matter if my T is good or not.... I would not be having any emotional reaction in front of someone else over rejections. It's who I am.

Sure, I was just offering another view.

This is a wonderful reply. Thank you. Maybe all I need is to talk about it even if the answer is no. I do feel ridiculous and immature about my feelings over this when I look at it logically, but the bottom line is I still feel that way even though I don’t want to and that is tormenting me. So maybe the solution is really to talk about it regardless of the outcome.

I'm the same way...I definitely did a lot of testing with my ex-marriage counselor. I'm trying not to repeat patterns with current T...but then I find myself doing that anyway (the testing). I think much of it is working through past stuff, like from childhood. For example, ex-MC (who's mostly trained in developmental psychology) talked about how kids test their parents, like, "Will you still love me if I do this? Ok, how about this? What about that?" So it's not too surprising if we do that with our T's...since they can sometimes fill a bit of a parental role, especially if we didn't get what we needed in childhood.

You are not asking too much. You are asking for what you need. If you need to have more frequent contact, that is the real need, whether you are testing him or not. I actually don't necessarily see it as a test. If it's true that you have what your therapist calls a "relational trauma" (which is something, I believe, everyone has to some degree) then your need for attention and connection is much higher than that of those who were fortunate enough to receive enough of it in their formative years. This is the real need that has to be satisfied one way or another, not only through a therapy relationship.

I don't like seeing something as natural as the need for genuine human contact as a "testing" strategy because that suggests that the person's request to fulfill their natural needs is pathological, which it isn't. Whether the need can be satisfied or not is a different story, but I highly recommend you not to look at your needs (and yourself) in pathological terms. There is nothing pathological about them. They are natural and healthy.

You have the right to ask the therapist to change the boundary and it's okay to do so. Now, it's also okay for the therapist to refuse to make a change. What would not be okay for him to do is to suggest that your need for a change is not healthy and is a "problem" you need to work on. If he makes such suggestion I strongly urge you not to accept it as a fact of reality.

If the therapist doesn't want to change the boundary, he is within his rights to refuse, but he should make it clear that such change doesn't work for him, that this is something he doesn't need to have in his life. He shouldn't make it about you.

This type of a situation is one of the reasons why psychotherapy has a potential to harm regardless of the individual therapist's ethics and intentions. People with a traumatic history have a much bigger need for validating and empathetic human interactions than everybody else and, in order for them to heal, that need has to be fulfilled to a large extend. The current model of psychotherapy doesn't allow for that to happen. When therapy takes place in a small private setting when one therapist works with many clients one-on-one, the therapist cannot possibly satisfy the clients natural need for contact and communication because the therapist has their human limits. That's why I believe therapy should take place in a much bigger settings like a clinic or a wellness center that operates with a 24/7 hotline and that always has someone available for one to talk to when one's regular therapist is on vacation or when one needs to talk on weekends or after the therapist's business hours.

Back to your situation, you can ask your therapist if he'd be willing to do phone sessions on weekends sometimes, but you have to be prepared to pay for them. This may not be what you want. It sounds like you want just to feel connected to him in between sessions. If you can be satisfied with a brief email or phone interactions (within 5 minutes) just to feel connected, ask the therapist if he can do that. But if that leads you to want more and more interactions outside sessions, then it'd be a time for you to discuss your loneliness in therapy, your need for close friendships where you can be seen and validated. It'd be a time for your therapist to work with you on how to get that type of relationships in your life, as opposed to trying to turn your relationship with the therapist into something like that, which would be an ultimate failure.

Ugh. How embarrassing. Especially since I’m a full fledged grown up. I’m navigating new territory here so I don’t have the luxury of much experience with psychotherapy. I guess I’ll just keep acting immature and hope my T can continue to tolerate it as well as he’s been doing so far.

Thanks for your thoughtful response and for normalizing my situation. I’m not sure what exactly I’d want from him, but I think I’d be ok with a super quick response. I might steal LonesomeTonight’s question, “You’re still there, right?” As ridiculous as it sounds (of course he’s still there!), it might be satisfying enough for me. I guess I’ll have to wait and see if he’s even willing to compromise. I do hate putting pressure on him though.

@Ididitmyway- your post is very well written!

T's also seem to not get the fact that many clients also lack object consistency. I know I do. It takes time, and experience for a child to develop a sense that when someone leaves the room, the person is still on the same planet, and will reappear again. I needed to know that he was still "there" when I couldn't see him.

Oh, I'm very much a full-fledged grown-up at 41! Yet because I missed out on some of the testing as a kid, it's like I'm doing it now.