[Mouse_]

This week I've felt a certain change in me, a positive change. A feeling at times of being "well". Its not set in stone and not all the time, but its like a signal trying to break through.

I was writing last night, and one of the things I've always felt is the fear of being "cured". I remember talking to T once about this and being afraid if I were "cured" that I'd then have no one helping me. T said even by thinking this means I still need to be in therapy. That was comforting.

So last night these feelings that I have reminded me of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, and believe me I am a non believer, an atheist through and through, but the story was actually helpful in helping me put my thoughts into some meaning.

I feel if I reach up and take the Apple, feel well, then T being god will be angry at me and withdraw her care. I realised that was how it was growing up. Mum would squash any signs of me being seperate from her, any signs I showed of having an individual thought.

But T isn't going to be angry, and isn't going to withdraw her care, infact she will be pleased and want to talk about it.

Finally I think its safe for me to take the apple and know I haven't commited a sin.

[chaotic13]

Mouse I can relate to what you're saying. I feel like I am just now starting to realize how warped my world had become and that Therapy might actually help me. At one point in my life I had managed to escape my past, put it behind me, and embark on a better life. Only to realize now that my past left me vulnerable, blind, and easy prey for the type of manipulation I'm living with now. Although I see it now, I'm afraid that I will discontinue therapy before I really get to the point of self awareness that is necessary to avoid these pitfalls in the future. I've been to this point before but didn't really grasp the situation fully and slipped backwards. Hopefully I will stick it out and deal with some of my unresolved issues and hopefully my T won't kick me out of therapy before I do.

I need to stop thinking that I don't deserve, or am not sick enough, or abused enough, etc... to warrant the benefits of therapy and ultimately achieve happiness. I know this but I really haven't gotten myself to full believe it yet.

[MissCharlotte]

Interesting post Mouse.

I have been thinking recently about how I wish I had something nice to say to T, and how I wish I were "better." I recall saying to him a few weeks ago that I was sick of being sick.

In my case some of this feeling stems from a resistance to being dependent on another person and also from this illusion I hold of a desire to be "normal" -- as if there is such a thing.

Now I feel like celebrating every day that I don't have to call T; everyday that I make it to work despite wanting to stay under the covers. The path toward health and independence is crooked indeed, with many turns and bumps in the road.

It's nice that you are ready to take the apple. And no, it isn't a sin. I'm sure T will be happy for you. I think you should make an apple pie and share it with her.

Peace