i want to thank the people who did post supportive things in my other thread.. i didn't want that thread to continue. It was heartbreaking.

Sunrise, i will PM you so you do read this, but i'm sorry, i misread you. Since we were both doing the same thing and you thought what you did was cowardly... well, you see what i mean. Thank you for clarifying. i am just really fragile i guess.

this is such a very long weekend. i am still really sick. i have lost 5lbs in 4 days and i am getting dehydrated. i am drinking as much liquid as i can and some powerade to replace electrolytes, but i lose it all almost as fast as i drink it. My body doesn't seem to want anything in it right now. i'm really tired and feeling weak. There's no point in seeing a doc yet... there's some bug going around and they'd just send me home and tell me to wait it out. i have been on this long term antibiotic treatment for something else and i am sure it's not helping. i may skip a day or two of it just to give my poor tummy a chance.

i've been playing leave-a-message with T. He has been trying to help me get through until Monday so we can talk about what i need to do for myself. He left me a voicemail that i can listen to as a sort of tool to give myself a boost. i am conflicted.. he's doing these useful nice things now... but on Thursday he was obviously exasperated with me. He has gotten so close to me, without knowing how close, that he is able to hurt me so bad.

At a time when i am fragile and hurting it's hard to decide whether therapy is helping or hurting. Yeah, i want to find long term solutions to damaging patterns.. but right now even a bad pattern would get me through this painful situation i am in. i think i need to ask T what he thinks... if he can be supportive without us doing any "work." i need someone who can boost my spirits and encourage me.. make me feel not so alone in this world. i don't have a lot of reserve strength.

i dunno... therapy takes more than i have i think.

[sunrise]

(((((gerber)))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i think i need to ask T what he thinks... if he can be supportive without us doing any "work." i need someone who can boost my spirits and encourage me.. make me feel not so alone in this world.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Therapists love to hear what we need from them. It helps them do their job. Hearing about your need for staunch and unconditional support right now will be so helpful to him.

Take care, get well, sleep!
sunny

Thanks sunrise i have been drinking so much fluid i think i'm going to burst. i just tried some crackers/peanut butter... see how i do with that. If it stays in then i'll try some soup later. It's been horrid.. i'd get hungry but not be able to keep anything in me.. i won't get graphic blech.

i think he will definitely understand this particular need. My life has fallen apart around me. i'm alone now. i keep jumping around in what i want to do or talk about but i think i need help. i'm going to ask if maybe he can try to keep us on one track for now.. just take control for a while, until i feel less fragile.

trouble is trust.. i don't trust that he won't just kick me out in sheer frustration. i don't trust him to be there. i don't trust him or anyone is so many ways. He is a really nice guy and i think he's a good T. Word around is he's one of the best here... haven't heard one bad thing, all good.

i dunno.. we'll see on monday. i may leave therapy for a while anyway... depends on what we can work out. i really need specific things around me and he might not be able to do exactly what i need right now. If not then i need to just stop for a while.

[Mouse_]

Gerber, I've only just read the reply to my original reply to you on the other thread. I don't think my point came over very well. I wasn't accusing you of regarding therapy as only being "teddy bears and music"...I just see a lot of posts here going down that route and it appears as if some only feel this "soft" touches are what the be all and end all of therapy are, then you post in obvious destress and I wanted to reasure you that though you feel awful it really is beneficial to reach that level of discomfort and meet it and get to work through it. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, maybe I'm not in a good place to respond to posts. I hope this post doesn't add to your distress.