[Fuzzybear]

I’m not sure how to make sure that a therapist doesn’t completely misunderstand me.

Is it “normal” for a therapist to simply say “misunderstandings are inevitable” especially to someone who has already been hurt by misunderstanding from doctors and or therapists?

I don’t think I’m a “horrible person” and that includes me not being a “horrible person” in therapy either. I’m fairly sure I haven’t lashed out at a therapist especially out of context. But even if I had done.. well it would be within the context of my pain that I’m getting help for?

But a therapist lashed out at me out of context. This could be some technique more common in certain locations

If I could move to a different country I would No sarcasm at all

I’m usually someone who wants to “fix” misunderstandings ... or I used to be .

I think the freeze, flight, fight (or fawn) concept is of value - i don’t even know what I’m saying here

If you can relate to the idea of freeze, flight, fight (or fawn) I’d welcome any replies. Or any other (supportive) insights. (Hugs)

Mostly I resort to “avoidance” these days. I don’t think this is healthy for me

[SlumberKitty]

I don't know if it is normal for a T to just say misunderstandings are normal. They happen but I think a mindful T will work hard to not misunderstand all that much. My former T who I miss like crazy worked extra hard to try to not misunderstand me by asking me more questions or by clarifying what I had said to see if she understood. New T just says, well you can see why I'm confused. Ugh.


It is hard to work through misunderstandings but try to remember that it isn't your fault or it isn't only your fault. It takes two people to misunderstand. I think there are good and not so good therapists everywhere, it just takes a lot of time sometimes to find them.

[SlumberKitty]

Also I think a therapist should never lash out at a client either in context or out of context. They should be professional. Yeah, they can't always be perfect, but to lash out seems inappropriate to me. I'm really sorry that happened to you.

[here today]

As I understand it, freeze, flight, fight, or fawn behaviors are what people do when their survival-level instincts take over. Here's video:

[Just so you know -- I just tried the link myself and PC now has a filter that warns you the link is not a part of PC. The main thing I was trying to do was provide an easy description of the polyvagal theory. There are lots of options if you prefer just to do a search for polyvagal theory.]

("Fawn" would be in in the appeasement section that he talks about after the other 3.)

Yes, I agree, misunderstandings between people may be inevitable --- BUT people saying that to dismiss the impact of a misunderstanding is bunk, or worse, IMO.

By chance, this video seems also related to your other recent thread about a "safe" address.

[rainbow8]

I don't know if it's normal to "say" it but it's true. People do have misunderstandings and therapy is a place to work them out. Still, I don't think a T has to bring it up until it actually happens.

Fuzzy, whenever I read your threads I wish I could send you my T! She's so compassionate, caring and gentle. I know there are others like her. My wish for you is that you find one of those kind of Ts. Don't give up! Hugs!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I’m not sure how to make sure that a therapist doesn’t completely misunderstand me.

Is it “normal” for a therapist to simply say “misunderstandings are inevitable” especially to someone who has already been hurt by misunderstanding from doctors and or therapists?

I don’t think I’m a “horrible person” and that includes me not being a “horrible person” in therapy either. I’m fairly sure I haven’t lashed out at a therapist especially out of context. But even if I had done.. well it would be within the context of my pain that I’m getting help for?

But a therapist lashed out at me out of context. This could be some technique more common in certain locations

If I could move to a different country I would No sarcasm at all

I’m usually someone who wants to “fix” misunderstandings ... or I used to be .

I think the freeze, flight, fight (or fawn) concept is of value - i don’t even know what I’m saying here

If you can relate to the idea of freeze, flight, fight (or fawn) I’d welcome any replies. Or any other (supportive) insights. (Hugs)

Mostly I resort to “avoidance” these days. I don’t think this is healthy for me

I'm doing a lot more avoidance these days as well. I think it correlates with low self care for me...in other words, if I am not taking care of myself and don't feel rested and centered, I avoid.

[tomatenoir]

Hi Fuzzy,

I think it's difficult to know if 'misunderstandings are unavoidable' was the right thing to say to you at a particular time without more context. If they said it at a moment where you needed emotional support it might have been ill advised. But on the other hand, they might have been gently trying to encourage you to think about how to deal with day-to-day problems (like misunderstandings), so that you're more prepared for when the next one happens. And that's an act of care.

I'm sorry to hear about your therapist lashing out at you, and your bad experiences to the point you want to change countries.

If memory serves, you're in the UK. If it's any consolation, I lived in Canada for 25 years before I moved to the UK, and my UK therapist is 10,000x better than the three Canadian therapists I saw. There are good ones out there!

So please don't think you're doomed to get bad therapy because of where you are... you may just need to keep looking (easier said than done, I know).

Wishing you all the best.

There were a number of misunderstandings and misinterpretations (on both sides) with my therapist, which was a large contributing factor to terminating. It was so frustrating— for both of us, I’m sure.

I think misunderstandings are avoidable, but they can be quite easy to stumble upon regardless of the effort to understand another. T raised her voice a couple of times to defend herself, and they were justified moments, really. But lashing out on a client out of context? If a therapist does that, they have their own work to do outside of that session.

When I’d be stuck in feeling misunderstood and try to explain myself, my therapist would say, “Use your words.” I wanted to say, “We wouldn’t be in this position if you’d use your head and try to actually understand me!”

Sometimes we over analyse and get lost in theories which brings on confusion about what we choose to ignore. In this case, looking at what currently works with hard evidence to support the 'statistics'.

My opinion doesn't matter if I'm not involved somehow.

I'm sorry for any mixed message but I'm not doing so well and if you're still up for it, how about a date