Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

nottrustin · Sep 09, 2018, 06:09 PM

Emdr T, so much I want to say but don't now how and to scared to try. I feel you don't want to text you so I haven't for the last month even though life has completely sucked. I realized I was looking for a connection that just isn't there. So instead I have reached out to the crisis text line, written but never sent emails to T, consumed lots of alcohol at times, stayed ridiculously busy, and decided to just shut back down. It is not fair of me to expect us to have even remotely the same bond T and I had. Nor am I sure I want to. T and I had so much in common. From what I see you and I don't. You, T and I have worked so hard to get me to be able to feel and express emotions but I have come to realize it is all overrated. These last few months have been to damn painful and crying has gotten me nowhere. So I have decided I need to be able to step back and shut back down. I know you said a couple of weeks ago you were pushing me a little bit to get me to feel emotions in every appointment. I knew you were doing that and was allowing it as I thought it would make my life better but really it hasn't. Last week when you just to being out some emotions I went back to my old ways of breathing and not allowing it to happen. For now that needs to happen. Someday maybe we can back there but not now. Thursday was the anniversary of moms death and tomorrow is my dad's. We discussed how hard the week would be and I had hoped you would reach out just to check in but you didn't. I am honestly okay with it but it would have gone a long way in me feeling some type of connection. I probably will not say anything about any of this to you. Who knows if you will notice and even I'd you do if you will say anything. If you do then I will ne honest as always but otherwise I will not. I can't allow myself to be vulnerable for the hour we are together and then walk out that door and be oi n my own again to deal with the hurt and pain.