Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Two more weeks and the 5 week gap will be over.

I know I'm work. I saw your post that your holiday isn't long enough.

Dear T,
As I said, that session went in a different direction than expected, but it was helpful. It was nice joking around with you and having you tease me--I think I needed that after last session and last weekend because it confirmed that things are good between us and you still like working with me. Like, last session you said it, while this session you showed it.
And what was up with the boring beige socks? Laundry day?
Love,
LT

Dear Tony the Tiger T: I need to be less concerned about what you are thinking and feeling and more concerned with telling you how I am thinking and feeling. Otherwise what the blank am I doing there?

I wish you would let me know it's gonna be ok!

Nope, you were right, I'm angry with you.

I think I'm subjecting myself to emotional pain and dread (not consciously), much like I did with the work incident afterwards, because I can abandon myself and be in more pain than anyone else can deliver. It's almost as if I do this so I can be in control instead of waiting for the unknown and feeling helpless. I get that it's a waste of time, but it's not a choice. My shadow is becoming ever more present, and I am becoming less present. I'm not even sure that the extra days are going to be helpful and I'm not sure if it is just subjecting myself to more pain. I want to pretend like I'm an adult and that I'm not really this way. But it is crystal clear that this is who I am. I am not in control of this, it is in control of me. I don't think that this is going to be as traumatic as I fear, I suspect that once you go I'll be able to stop waiting for the shoe to drop. Because for me, it has already done so.

T: waking up soaked in sweat twice, and having to change clothes SUCKS. I assume they are nightmares, but grossssss.

Dear T,
So...based on something you said today--is there a possible issue with us both having kids on the spectrum? Does that color the way you respond to me? At least when I talk about D? I see it as a positive thing, that you get it. But just wondering if it could be a possible negative to you. Part of me wants to ask about this, but part of me also doesn't want to know. And have you noticed, I've avoided asking anything about your son? Of course I'm curious if he's struggling with going back to school like D is--and maybe your understanding comments about that today were colored by your own experience--but I know that asking you that likely won't get me anywhere good. It's just a doorway to stronger transference, at least based on my reaction to ex-MC talking about his kids (and their issues) so much. So, I will not knock on that door.
Love,
LT

7 minutes. Please don't hate me. Please don't let this change things. Please don't leave me again.

To me, in just the right ways, this song is you.



I think I may want to bring my phone in and play it for you next week.

Love,
me

Dear No. 3,

You told Info you mistakenly relaxed boundaries with me. And you’d learned from it.

So I got to be your guinea pig. You got to learn on me by hurting me.

I feel like a lab animal thrown out with the trash.

ATAT

Wait, is that what you thought I meant this entire time, or just what you thought I was telling you today? I mean, I can see how you might think that, and, don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you would be understanding and non-judgmental and willing to discuss it if that were the case.
In retrospect the part about how I was worried you'd be so disgusted you wouldn't even be able to look at me let alone continue to work with me certainly lends itself to that interpretation. Oh, yeah, and I referred to it as being "not appropriate." But, no, I really do feel that ashamed and guilty and pathetic and dirty and wrong for wanting the parental kind of care and compassion (though I avoided using the word "dirty" because I thought this was how you might interpret it). I forget that that's not normal.

I am so tired of all of this. of me. I am afraid to cancel any appointments I have. And yet, I have the overwhelming need to distance myself because I am ashamed of who I am. This happened at work, I was glad when people left because they saw the needy side of me that I don't want to exist. They saw my dark passenger/shadow, and that made it real. I have to believe that my shadow side is only a myth. I want to disappear. How do I find my way out of this? What should I do?

Thanks! But why should I be inconvenienced and let a bunch of inconsiderate, immoral, lizards run me out of town? I think they should be the ones moving out!!

I can't stop thinking about this.
If I told you specifics that weren't in my letter, like that part of me wants you to hold me in your arms like a little kid and tell me that everything will be okay and that it's not all my fault and that I don't deserve to hurt myself (and that you care and that it upsets you when I do), would you really still be able to look at me after that? Would you really not find it shameful and disgusting and pathetic? Even if you still acted professionally, at least part of you would have to be horrified and disgusted, right?

Hey. I don't have to like something to accept it. Duh. That includes loving you, my attachment to you. I can accept it without having to like it. Right?

I love you.

((Heartlight))

Well, I can certainly understand why you feel like that.

However, it is sometimes wiser to make a better life for yourself, than to wait for jerks to get their act together.

I'm guessing your ancestors chose to move to America rather than wait for things to get better where they were.

Five more sleeps...and I'm nervous as anything. This is ridiculous.

Why do I take it out on my loved ones when I'm feeling afraid and angry at the universe? What f***ing good is that supposed to do me? Push everyone away when I need them the most?

Your luck is going to run out some day. The police will catch up with you!!

Holding the stone you gave me was nice just now, when I felt disconnected from you. It seems helpful. Thank you.

How much do you hate me?

Well I don't hate you if it makes you feel any better and I bet your t feels the same way.

I don't hate you either, captgut. hugs