Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

hi t, well your drumming for me the other night was so awesome, and got me really wanting to go to a journey circle and so i looked up my meetup group and sure enough they're having one later this afternoon so i'm going!! i haven't been to one in awhile, i need that in my life regularly but somehow life keeps pulling me away from them. i've got some questions for Alia if she graces me with her presence again. oh i looked up the meaning of that name and it is perfect-perfect: "supreme, exalted".

I've been playing dobble with my kids. I'm crap at it! You're going to beat me easily. My 7 year old and my 9 year old both consistently did!

what is dobble??

I can't do that homework assignment. Last night I had a mini breakdown about the realization of how much anger and loathing I feel towards my 7-8 year old self. I don't want to be gentle with her, I want to hurt her. She disgusts me.

I didn't hurt myself though, even though I really really wanted to, mostly because I was scared that if I did you'd leave again.

Sooooo fun

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Asmodee-ASM...WyL&ref=plSrch

I’m feeling really down and not good enough right now. I feel like if my friends, professors, supervisor, boss, etc. knew the real me, they would all wish I wasn’t a part of their lives. I think this is the main reason I feel like disappearing lately.

Ooo! Our friends brought that game camping, and we all had a great time playing. In the U.S. it's called Spot It! but I like Dobble better.

Thank you for yesterday, it helped somewhat but my anxiety is still trying to take over my mind. I am hoping to get this under control by Tuesday. That will be a tough enough day for me, I don't need other emotions dropping by. Hope you are having a nice weekend. Wish I could hug you

That looks like fun. There are language versions also.

Fkin love you, you beautiful bstrd

i keep reading it as "Dobbie" and am like "ooh a new Harry Potter game!"

You never ****ing listened to me or understood me. Which would be somewhat forgivable except you assumed you did.

hey t. i had a beautiful afternoon at the journey circle, didn't even find out about it til this morning but just felt pulled to look at the meetup site, and there it was!! I was almost late cuz I couldn't find it at first, they moved to a new location this past week and today was the first circle in the new space. glad i was there for it!! the energy in the room was amazing.

I don't think we're going to talk again. I wonder if you'll be relieved when I leave therapy to C like it used to be. I decided not to try telling you I'm not coming back anymore again. You always say something that pulls me back in. Best for me to just not say anything. That way, you won't feel you have to reassure me or ask me to stay. I was never really your client, it was always C. You don't even think I'm a real person.

Or maybe you won't be relieved. Maybe it won't even register that I'm not coming anymore. It probably won't. I know that when you said you care, you don't really mean it. I never expected you to care, and it bothered me that you claimed to. Such a pointless lie.

I really can't live without you. Please, please don't make me.

I'm kind of trying. Kind of? I think?

Can you forgive me?

I came back yesterday evening.

Dear No. 3,

Someone posted earlier about how they felt protective of their therapist despite the issues the therapist caused for them.

I’ve sometimes thought of reporting you or suing you. But I always decide not to, partly because I don’t want to go through that again, but also partly because I don’t want to risk hurting you either emotionally or economically. Because it’s not like you did nothing for me.

But why should I protect you? Where were you when I needed protecting, from Smaug and from you?

ATAT

me..........

I hope I have the guts to do Thursday's session well. This has been a very difficult time.

****TRIGGER WARNING FOR TALK OF SI,SH*************




Dear T,

I know I have thought a lot of emails over the almost month since I have seen you. You should of known as I was crying in your office last time I saw you I was going down hill quickly. I guess what I learned is when life gets really hard, all at once I will choose unhealthy coping skills. The emotions become too much. My thoughts increasingly turn to dying as being my only option. And in the meantime doing things that are harmful. the question is should I tell you now, or wait the 10 days until I see you next? Idk.. I hate myself right now.

Healed

I don't want to go back to once a week. Are you going to make me go back to once a week, or were you just assuming I wouldn't have time to see you twice a week once I'm back in lab? I know it's stupid, and you probably only meant for it to be short term when things were bad, but I don't feel ready to give up having two days and if you take that away I'd feel rejected and abandoned and pathetic and guilty for wanting things I can't have.

You know I can't ask for the things I want/need. Six months ago I would have just dealt with this kind of thing by hurting myself to show that I wasn't ready and still needed more help. I'm trying to do things differently, but what if I ask and you tell me no?

Life is hard and I'm sad and scared and I miss you.

I’m so worried about seeing you tomorrow after my string of quitting emails. Please don’t hate me, please make everything ok. Love you.

For some reason t, I just started thinking about my session the other day when you made that peekaboo comment. I mean if you really see me as that infantile then why do I even want to keep doing this. ugh.