Couch 175: You've Got Mail....

This first.

I've spent too much time on another forum, the advice is always initially to take baby steps if your not in any danger, to get copies of all financial documents together and to see a solicitor to get legal advice.

I started making of the mob on Netflix. I got to the bit where they convince one of the gangsters to voluntarily hand himself to the police and with their contacts he's out after a year.

I'm not in any danger. I guess that's what getting rid of clutter is... a first baby step. Thanks for that.

All this makes me keep thinking of Springsteen's Atlantic City. It's one of those songs that's as much about the delivery as the actual lyrics (I think he recorded it in his bedroom or something, doing all music and backing vocals himself):

Now I been lookin' for a job but it's hard to find
Down here it's just winners and losers and don't get caught on the wrong side of that line
Well I'm tired of comin' out on the losin' end
So honey last night I met this guy and I'm gonna do a little favor for him
Well I guess everything dies baby that's a fact
But maybe everything that dies someday comes back
Put your makeup on fix your hair up pretty and meet me tonight in Atlantic City

That’s something to think about. Good advice. Thank you. A big part is feeling so isolated because it’s just me and 2 toddlers all day. Normally any other family I worked for didn’t mind me taking the kids in the car to go places to be around people but these people are afraid of that. (Not of me driving. Just the way others drive) I tired talking to them that the chances of getting Into a car accident don’t decrease when their kids are with them in the car and they understood that but still just don’t feel safe. Plus in general I’m just tired of what I do. I’m getting older-the parents of children are getting younger because I’m getting older and I needed change for a long time now.

You weren't to late! I saw your post on my H's phone.

Met up with a friend today, and she bought me my favourite flowers, without even knowing....

I want to share with the Couchies.

I'm home from surgery. It was a success. And I still have both ovaries! Doctor said to take it easy for today, but I can basically resume normal activities tomorrow (except anything that deals with soaking the site or using the site (i.e. sex, crunches, etc)).

Thank you for all the support!

Those gerber daisys?

So glad the surgery went well and that you were able to keep both ovaries!

They are, Scarlet. I adore them.

They're beautiful!

Glad to hear it went well!

I want to call out sick for the rest of the day, eat a bag of peanut m&m's then sleep until therapy tomorrow afternoon. I am feeling so down and it's feeding on itself. My fault I suppose for having fun over the weekend.

I really need to shake this **** off.

Scarlet, glad the surgery went well!

Its funny cuz its true.

Okay I cried start to finish of my session, and I can't even say why exactly. It isn't like me at all in real life, but I feel so torn between truthful therapy self and the day -to- day self that realizes my life story is TMI for normal dynamics. I trust my T sometimes, and then dread sets in that I did because therapy mystifies me in a way nothing else does. I guess part of it is the experience of one person having total control of the rules, the room, down to the tiniest detail of how many feet apart we are and the second we end on while not sharing anything or putting skin in the game somehow. It's so strange how the room and the rules and the frame remain exactly the same all day, and the thing that changes are the faces looking at T from the couch. I feel so anonymous, like the more deep we get, the more I am a cliche of some kind: the 8am client, the c-ptsd client. It must be really confusing for my T, bc he doesn't cause the wavering. Sometimes, I really can believe in it all. He seemed a little less strict and more willing to communicate in the face of all the tears bc he was at a loss and I was too, but even a day later I feel scared. Maybe scared he is going to give up working with me if I backslide like that or maybe scared he knows so much about me now, and I can't take it back. Part of it is the self discipline and professionalism he shows. I appreciate it in many ways, but it makes him seem almost too much of a boyscout to do more than gloss over some things. He probably isn't, but at work he seems like a straight arrow in the extreme, which makes me nervous about making mistakes.

I know Ambien has a bad rap, but I think breaking the cycle of not sleeping by using it for a few weeks or even days can be helpful.

Does he show any self-awareness that he is terrified about his health when the problem was fixed and now there is nothing wrong? Does he have glimmers of omg what is happening to me? I really do understand panic attacks, but he seems to be experiencing some kind of break with reality? Would an inpatient stay be covered by insurance for him?

Now I want pizza to go along with the peanut m&m's and some wine and a tent to camp out in t's yard.

You're allowed to have some fun.

I think what's going on here is that you've taken several steps forward but H hasn't kept up. And maybe he knows that and it's making him scared and grumpy?

That's a good way of putting it.
"Therapeutic distance" is just a nice way of saying "no skin in the game."

And I'm doing my codependent behaviors as usual which make me miserable. I am really struggling with this stuff. I've got the recovery patterns I should be practicing but I'm not. I'm sad and tired and wanting to hide. Maybe I'll email one of the CODA peeps on the contact list. I am really afraid I'm going to slide back down that horrible black slope again. No.no no. I have worked too hard for too long to let that happen but hiw do I let go and give control to a higher power without losing what little is left of my Self? I hate how I feel right now.

The codependent contract is "I can live with being dependent on you, provided you stay dependent on me."

I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain.

Shopping therapy: I bought some very red sheets.