[stopdog]

what makes therapy therapeutic for you? Can you tell when therapy is being therapy versus something else?

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Having somebody there who doesn‘t judge me, tries to understand me and listens is what makes it therapeutic for me. I judge myself a lot, people have a hard time understanding me and I don‘t feel it‘s appropriate to share my issues with most people.

If any of those points are not fulfilled, it isn‘t therapeutic to me.

[seeker33]

Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup

Having somebody there who doesn‘t judge me, tries to understand me and listens is what makes it therapeutic for me. I judge myself a lot, people have a hard time understanding me and I don‘t feel it‘s appropriate to share my issues with most people.

If any of those points are not fulfilled, it isn‘t therapeutic to me.

This is exactly what I feel, too.

[CharlieStarDust]

It’s hard to point to something specific other than: she’s not my friend. - that’s what makes it more therapeutic. I don’t have to worry about her and her feelings. And the fact that she can handle things people in my real life can’t (by handle, I mean respond appropriately).

[stopdog]

What is it that those guys do that makes something therapy? Stay back - is that it?

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Originally Posted by stopdog

What is it that those guys do that makes something therapy? Stay back - is that it?

I think the answer might depend on the person.

For me, it's not that my T stays back (I understand 'staying back' as not getting too involved, being respectful). I can give a few examples of what I feel is different from a friend:

- most people seem to have some kind of empathetic reaction when their friend is suffering. If the friend is depressed and tells them every day, or if the friend thinks about suicide, or is really anxious, they will kind of take on that feeling. They will feel with the friend, suffer with them and try to help make things better. However, that gets quickly exhausting. Imagine a friend who shows up on your doorstep twice a week just sobbing about their life, but never paying a whole lot of attention to you since they are so absorbed in feeling bad.
In this situation, I'd expect a T to of course have some empathy, but to be rational and collected enough to not just be depressed because I feel bad. I expect that I can go there every week, rant about the exact same thing as last week and I do not run the risk of losing the person I'm talking to. I think if you just rant to a friend once a week and don't do anything else with them, they will quickly abandon you.

- when I do start talking about difficult topics, I don't get judged or the topic gets avoided. Lets say abuse of some sort. For some reason most people avoid this topic if you start talking about it. They say 'oh, but it's not happening now' or they try to lead the conversation in a different direction. And that's often unhelpful, on the one hand because there's a need to talk about such things in a lot of people, and on the other hand because it makes the situation even worse. It also helps not to feel like a weirdo just because you did something that other people maybe do not do. It helps to feel normal.

- friends seem to keep the level of the conversation very shallow most of the time. Lets say I constantly am scared that all my friends are going to abandon me. I did communicate that for a while with them, and what I got back was 'I'm not going to leave' and similar answers. That's reassurance, which helps short term, but it doesn't solve the underlying problem. For some reason I'm constantly scared that people will abandon me. To solve that, I need to think about where that fear comes from. If I know the source then I can rationalize my feelings and that makes them less scary, intense and easier to control. But to get to the source I personally need somebody to guide me. It's hard to see connections in your own life sometimes, because you're so involved, you do not see the forest for the trees.

[CharlieStarDust]

Originally Posted by stopdog

What is it that those guys do that makes something therapy? Stay back - is that it?

I think there is a certain distance that is welcomed. In addition, she can reframe things in ways people in my real life can’t. But most importantly she doesn’t freak out when I talk about dark stuff. I think the thereputic part comes in that she says things in a way that’s appropriate and makes sense? There’s also the placebo effect that if she says something it’ll work because she’s a professional so it has more leverage.

[Carmina]

I need a place where I can fall apart and it be OK for me to do that and still have someone there for me.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by stopdog

what makes therapy therapeutic for you? Can you tell when therapy is being therapy versus something else?

Having someone there for me, completely, 100%, on my team, with unconditional positive regard, helping me through dark times (depression) and SH and SI and still being there for me even though I feel like crap and probably don't deserve the positive regard, someone who gives me perspective and helps me rethink some of the things in my head that were either put there in childhood or just my own backward thinking, someone who helps keep me safe from SI and from other harmful ideas I sometimes get when I'm having an episode. It's not like talking with a friend because when I talk to a friend I have to censor what I say and not make it all about me, and I have to make sure my friend is okay and can handle what I'm sharing whereas I expect a T to be able to handle what I'm feeling and sharing. I don't expect a T to be there for me at 2 in the morning or go sit with me in the ER but I do think some of my friends would do that for me in a heart beat.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

My therapist and I touched on this periodically over the course of a few sessions about a year ago. I was really trying to figure it out, why it worked.

Having a compassionate witness who can be there while I cry or speak of my grief and self-doubt and loneliness and anger, all the ugly stuff, but who isn't going to go home burdened by my grief, has been powerfully healing for me.

My therapist understands abuse dynamics and recovery and wasn't shocked by anything I told her. She's able to offer information and guidance and reassurance about what's normal or usual, and answer many of my questions.

If I were to say or do something completely unsafe or uncharacteristic or unhealthy, she'd probably speak up, but mostly she helps me to consider all of the angles of whatever I am tackling, gives me a platform to talk through what I'm facing without having an investment in my decisions.

I think what all of those have in common is that the distance relieves me of the burden of having to navigate how she feels about what I say. It just occurred to me that I have no idea what she'd do in my shoes (beyond a best guess based on what I do know of her), or what she thinks is best for me beyond letting go of my fears for the future.

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Having someone there for me, completely, 100%, on my team, with unconditional positive regard, helping me through dark times (depression) and SH and SI and still being there for me even though I feel like crap and probably don't deserve the positive regard, someone who gives me perspective and helps me rethink some of the things in my head that were either put there in childhood or just my own backward thinking, someone who helps keep me safe from SI and from other harmful ideas I sometimes get when I'm having an episode. It's not like talking with a friend because when I talk to a friend I have to censor what I say and not make it all about me, and I have to make sure my friend is okay and can handle what I'm sharing whereas I expect a T to be able to handle what I'm feeling and sharing. I don't expect a T to be there for me at 2 in the morning or go sit with me in the ER but I do think some of my friends would do that for me in a heart beat.

Good description

You know what I think is therapeutic? A cold beer and a bar of chocolate.

But in the context of therapy... the most "therapeutic" therapy I've had was when I've had something on my mind that I couldn't really talk about with others.

For example, some friend-related things I can only talk about with my spouse. Some spouse-related things I can only talk about with my friends.
But then there are occasional things I'm working out where I think I'd like to workshop them a bit before I bring them to an audience I actually care about (eg. something odd happened in relation to my father once that I couldn't speak about with others because they knew him, and it would embarrass him for them to know. I worked with a therapist for a while because I couldn't humiliate my father but I had to get these things off my chest)