[Coraline23]

My therapist of 2-1/2 years moved way too fast with a new modality early this year. I was a wreck. I kept trying to tell him I was overwhelmed, but he wasn't getting it. I spent months flipping between dissociation and emotional flashbacks. I nearly quit multiple times. He finally got it and backed way off. But now, my anxiety in therapy, already high, has tripled. He said he can't be afraid to accidentally push too hard or he wouldn't be doing his job. And he sort of took responsibility for moving too fast. But I really think I need more. I think I need an apology or something. Is that an okay thing to ask him for? The thing is, I don't know how I can feel safe there if I feel like I have to have my own back all the time. And my narcissist mom, a clinical psychologist, was overtly cruel and never apologized, so apologies are kind of a sore spot for me. I just don't know if I can get past this otherwise.

[Ellahmae]

I would bring it up with him as a main focus of a session that you both need to work through together. I don't think it's out of line to ask for an apology or to ask that he recognize he was in the wrong.

[Coraline23]

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

I would bring it up with him as a main focus of a session that you both need to work through together. I don't think it's out of line to ask for an apology or to ask that he recognize he was in the wrong.

Thank you. And for me, it's really about him taking responsibility. And it might not be such a big deal if it wasn't such a sore spot for me. It's not that I think he should feel guilty or treat me with kid gloves. But I feel like I'm almost afraid to try anything now.

[Deejay14]

Nothing wrong with asking for an apology and talking about why it's important for you to move on. I would tell him you are especially sensitive to the pacing of your therapy. He needs to keep it at a pace which doesn't make yours symptoms spike too greatly.

[starfishing]

Absolutely, sounds very much worth bringing up. And as far as "He said he can't be afraid to accidentally push too hard or he wouldn't be doing his job," he doesn't necessarily need to be afraid, but being cautious about not pushing too hard is a really important part of his job and something he should never be dismissive about.

[stopdog]

There is no harm in telling the therapist what you want if you can handle the therapist refusing.

[Coraline23]

Originally Posted by stopdog

There is no harm in telling the therapist what you want if you can handle the therapist refusing.

That's where I get anxious. If he refuses to take responsibility, I don't think I can ever feel safe with him. So I'd quit therapy. But if I don't say anything, I'll get stuck and end up leaving anyway. Really, I just want to be able to feel safe.

[mostlylurking]

If being treated with kid gloves means being treated very carefully and with sensitivity, I think it would be appropriate for a therapist to treat a client with childhood trauma "with kid gloves," for whatever that is worth.

Personally I think it's fine to ask for an apology that he didn't listen to you when you were indicating this modality & pacing was harmful. I hope he is receptive and understanding.

Is your therapist perhaps an older man? I think therapy used to involve a lot more pushing of clients to address painful events. But my understanding, partly from ex T, is that these days the emphasis is on stability first, and maintaining that stability as much as possible during processing of traumas. So, again, I think it's legitimate to ask him to be careful and cautious of how you are handling things as you try to face painful things.

[Coraline23]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

If being treated with kid gloves means being treated very carefully and with sensitivity, I think it would be appropriate for a therapist to treat a client with childhood trauma "with kid gloves," for whatever that is worth.

Personally I think it's fine to ask for an apology that he didn't listen to you when you were indicating this modality & pacing was harmful. I hope he is receptive and understanding.

Is your therapist perhaps an older man? I think therapy used to involve a lot more pushing of clients to address painful events. But my understanding, partly from ex T, is that these days the emphasis is on stability first, and maintaining that stability as much as possible during processing of traumas. So, again, I think it's legitimate to ask him to be careful and cautious of how you are handling things as you try to face painful things.

Thank you so much for this. I think my therapist is a couple years younger than me, which puts him in his mid-30s. He can be a tough therapist, but he always surprises me and comes through when I don't expect it. So hopefully he will this time too.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Coraline23

Really, I just want to be able to feel safe.

This seems to me to be more what you need than an apology (which I am not opposed to you asking for). But in your shoes, I would say "I am having trouble feeling safe in here and this is why . . . . . "). Talk about what makes you feel safe and unsafe first because I think that's where you will find a deeper conversation about what's important to you.

Personally apologies have never held a lot of weight for me. I don't mind them and they do tend to provide some kind of closure to some upsetting event. But the thing for me is being understood about the past and helping the other person understand what I need in the future. I don't usually get that from the apology per se but from the discussion surrounding that.

Originally Posted by Coraline23

That's where I get anxious. If he refuses to take responsibility, I don't think I can ever feel safe with him. So I'd quit therapy. But if I don't say anything, I'll get stuck and end up leaving anyway. Really, I just want to be able to feel safe.

It's sad you even have to ask for an apology. I find it very immature and arrogant for someone to refuse to apologize for wrongdoing.

[Coraline23]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Talk about what makes you feel safe and unsafe first because I think that's where you will find a deeper conversation about what's important to you.

I hadn't thought about it that way before, but I think you're right. Apologies do mean something to me, and I do think it's important to me that my therapist take responsibility for pushing too hard. But I think you're right in that I'm going to get the most from the conversation that surrounds that. Thank you so much for the suggestion. This really helped me think through what's important to talk to him about.

[Coraline23]

Originally Posted by Heartlight

It's sad you even have to ask for an apology. I find it very immature and arrogant for someone to refuse to apologize for wrongdoing.

I have a good relationship with my therapist, and I'm cnot trying to throw him under the bus. I haven't found him to be immature or arrogant. This is probably just my fears and neuroses talking. I have a bad habit of focusing on the worst case scenario. And he has definitely changed strategies. We just never had a conversation about what went wrong.